What types of bet are there in horse racing

Hello, friends. It’s me again. Eli. Been a while. I’ve been avoiding typing this out because at first I really didn’t want to talk about what happened, but I have now convinced myself that telling all of you might be therapeutic.
Sort of convinced myself, anyway. I won’t lie; I did stop and question my choices about four times when writing just those first two paragraphs. I think I’ve made it over the hump now, though. Too late to go back – I’m just gonna fucking write it, and then I can share it if I feel like it. Right? Right.
Well, let me lay it out on the table then: between my last post and this one, I almost died. Like, more than usual. I mean, I was bleeding and fading in and out of consciousness for several days. Maybe a week. I don’t really remember, to be honest. It’s all kind of a haze. I definitely hallucinated; I remember visions of my family dancing with some Brents and a pineapple king. Nine out of ten medical experts didn’t think I’d make it. (That’s a joke. All ten of ten medical experts have been dead for months).
Also, but just as I was coming out of it, then it was Christmas, and that was an interesting experience too. You know how there are monsters of lore that come out during the holidays, like Krampus or the Yule Cat? Yeah, we don’t have those – because God forbid we have a monster I’ve heard of before, that I could actually look up information about – but it turns out there is a monster around here that likes Christmas. Made its first appearance last week right as I was conscious again and made my headaches start all over. But more on that later. Today I’m talking about how close I seriously came to dying in the past few weeks.
And why did I almost die when I have such a carefully curated list of rules? Because I’m a fucking idiot and decided to forget all about Rule #5. And why did I forget about Rule #5? Because I was too focused on finding that girl.
I suppose I may as well go ahead and tell you what Rule #5 is, because it’s not very exciting. Not all my rules are. Some don’t deal with specific monsters; instead, they’re general guidelines for surviving in this hellscape, and though boring, they’re helpful advice against several varieties of monster, not just one. They’re the glue holding my more species-specific rules together, if you will.
Rule #5: If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
I made that rule pretty early on, to prevent myself from having false hope. Between Ashleys and MJs and other deception-based monsters (though they didn’t all have names at the time), I figured a base rule for not trusting everything good I come across was in order. I believe I made it an official rule after another close call with an Ashley, followed by an encounter with the creature behind Rule #3. I’ll get to Rule #3 another time, by the way, so hold your horses. Today’s star is Rule #5, whether you like it or not.
Unfortunately, like the idiot I am, I forgot all about Rule #5 in my pursuit of the girl. Did she seem too good to be true? (Yes). Yet did I pour all my energy and heart into finding her? (Also yes). So am I a dumbass who can’t follow my own rules and almost died as a result? (Jury’s verdict: yes).
Let me explain.
See, she left me that riddle. After several suggestions and a lot of struggling thought of my own, I came to the conclusion that the most likely answer was echo. That wasn’t super helpful though, because it left the question of where echo was supposed to lead me.
So I then spent days walking around the part of the city she’d left her clues in, desperately scouring for anything that might relate to echo. I also combed the internet looking for answers; that took another day by itself, since my connection is so goddamn slow.
Ultimately, my best bet turned out to be a concert hall about three-quarters of a mile away from where I’d seen her. Old Google reviews mentioned its acoustics and the lovely echoing quality of the music performed there. It was a stretch, but it was the closest link I could find.
I went there about a week after my last post. That’s about two weeks ago, for those following along at home. And yes, I was prepared – or at least I thought I was. I ran through my rules in my head, making sure I had everything I needed both mentally and materially (though conveniently hurrying past Rule #5, apparently).
Once I had my lasers, voice recorder, knife, pistol, lighter, two Molotov cocktails, and of course, Mr. Bailey, we headed out. Everything was pretty quiet on the way to the concert hall, actually, and I made it there without incident. Maybe that should have seemed suspicious, but it’s not like it’s unheard of to get lucky and avoid monsters every once in a while, so I was really just grateful that I seemed to be having a stroke of luck, and hoped that it would hold.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t. Things only went downhill from there.
I stood outside the concert hall for a minute, Mr. B chirping on my shoulder. After a few deep breaths and a glance down at her note one more time – shockingly, there was nothing new written there – I stuffed the paper in my pocket and walked forward.
Steps led me up to the entrance, which consisted of a long row of glass doors. Instinctively, I pulled out my knife and gripped it tightly as I crept closer. It was still daylight, so you’d think I’d be able to see in through the glass, but the interior was completely dark, so all I really saw was glare from the sun. I didn’t like having such little visibility for what I was about to walk into. I may not have a formal rule for it, but a good general tip is not to enter somewhere blind. And here I was, about to do exactly that.
I hesitated, and man, I wish I’d turned back then. This was a high risk, high reward operation, after all: I could be rewarded with meeting the girl and befriending her, but I was risking entering a place that might be a hotbed of monsters, or being led into a trap, or guessing wrong on her riddle and exposing myself to monsters in an unfamiliar part of town for no real reason. If I’d been thinking of Rule #5, it would have occurred to my idiot self that the reward part was probably too good to be true. But as has been established, 1) I am a dumbass, and 2) I was too hopeful, and with my high hopes, I got careless.
So I went in, obviously. Mr. B dug his claws in as I pushed open one of the glass doors, stepping into a shadowy entrance hall where the only dim light came from slanted sunbeams behind me.
The foyer was empty, thank God. My footsteps echoed around the hall, which I guess was a good sign, since I was looking for echo, after all. Mr. B chirped again as I continued forward past an abandoned concession stand to the next set of doors, these ones wooden. Remarkably, most of them were still standing and unharmed; I only saw two that had been shredded to splinters and were hanging off their hinges. Maybe that meant monsters hadn’t been here much. A guy can hope.
Still holding my knife in front of me in my left hand, I reached out and pushed one of the intact doors open with my right. It swung easily, revealing a cavern of darkness. I cursed and pulled out my flashlight. I’d been hoping I could avoid drawing attention to myself with a light, but the hall was basically a black hole – and complete darkness was way more dangerous than showing my position but being able to see. If there were monsters here, they’d probably hear me regardless, to be honest.
I switched on the light and saw a carpeted aisle gently sloping down ahead of me. Rows of seats lined it on either side; the seats may have once been plushy and well-kept, but now they were coated in dust. Cautiously, I started down the aisle, feeling Mr. Bailey’s tail flick nervously against my neck. I didn’t blame him. I was nervous too.
Once I was close to the front, I could see more of the stage. It was impressive, if you’re into that sort of thing. Before all this, I would have said I’d be the last person to be caught dead in a concert hall, but here we were, and I wasn’t dead (yet). And honestly, I could kind of see the appeal. The stage was dusty like the seats, but still managed to portray a sense of majesty. The curtains hanging off to the sides were a deep purple with gold trim. It must have been nice, back before all hell broke loose.
I hadn’t seen anything helpful yet, so I figured I’d get up on stage. At the very least, I’d be able to shine my flashlight into the different sections of seats and maybe up into the balcony. See anything there was to see, you know. The carpeted aisle had muffled my footsteps, but as soon as I pulled myself up onto the stage (who has time to look for stairs?) that was all over. Every step was magnified tenfold, echoing around the entire hall. I’m sure you could hear my steps, even in the dust, up in the farthest seat in the balcony. Well, if this place was the correct answer for echo, it was certainly well-deserved.
This is where it all goes to hell. Strap in, motherfuckers.
I made my way front and center on the stage, and just as I began to shine my flashlight into the audience, I was blinded; a gigantic spotlight turned on, aimed directly at me. It was so sudden and so bright that I cursed and dropped the flashlight, using that hand to cover my eyes instead. Blindly, I stumbled back to escape its glare; it followed. My heart was racing a mile a minute, both because of the shock and because I’d realized that if the spotlight was following me, someone was controlling it.
Thankfully, it only took a minute for my eyes to adjust, but if you’ve ever been in a spotlight, you probably already know what I discovered then: with the light on you, and with the audience dark, it’s fucking impossible to make out anything in detail beyond the stage. This was alarming, since I now could see even less than I’d been able to with the meager flashlight, especially with my eyes adjusted to the damn spotlight and not to the darkness.
I considered calling out, but I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that calling “Hello?” is, at best, useless, and at worst, fatal. So I stood there, silent except for Mr. B’s swishing tail, waiting for something to happen.
I didn’t have to wait long. Suddenly another spotlight turned on, only this one was aimed up to the balcony. And in the circle of light was none other than the girl I’d been pursuing. My heart skipped a beat for a different reason, and for the first time, I started to feel a little more confident that this was the right decision, and that it was safe.
Big mistake.
“You figured out my riddle,” she called from the balcony. She was too far for me to make out many details, but by squinting I could see that she had brown hair pulled back in a ponytail, and that she was wearing glasses.
“I appreciate the challenge, but was it really necessary? I’ve got other things to think about besides difficult riddles. Like, you know, surviving,” I yelled back.
“You thought it was difficult?” came her response. I could practically hear the smugness in her voice.
Well, I wasn’t giving in that easily. “No, I just wanted to make you feel good about yourself,” I called. Mr. B growled on my shoulder, and out of the corner of my eye, I could swear I saw something move. But I, stupidly, ignored both these things.
“Oh, right, obviously,” she answered. There was a pause, and then she added, “I’m so glad you made it here!”
Before I could reply, all of the house lights simultaneously turned on. And, well, it wasn’t pretty. I shit you not, the audience was full of monsters. All those dusty seats that had been empty on my walk up here weren’t empty anymore. Not even close. Where the hell had they all come from? Had they been hidden somehow before? Had she hidden them somehow?
Thankfully, even as my heart panicked, my body and brain more or less knew what to do. A quick scan revealed no Ashleys (there was no food here, so not surprising) and no MJs (also not surprising, since they’re really one-on-one type fellas). Didn’t really see Dylans either, which made sense – they don’t generally come inside, and it wasn’t night outside, so they were probably hibernating in their caves or something. To be safe, though, I reached in my pocket and turned on my voice recorder, allowing “blueberry” to echo repeatedly through the hall. It looked mostly like Calebs and Brents; at least they’re dumb, but I’d still need a hell of a lot of brute force to make it out of this. I’d never faced this many of either at once before, and they were all staring. Right. At. Me.
Keeping my knife pointed towards the crowd, I yelled over my recording up to the girl. “This was a trap!” I called, and even I could hear the anger clear in my voice. “What are you? Are you even human? Whatever you are, you’re a bitch.”
I glanced only briefly up at her, maintaining my gaze on the monster horde so I wouldn’t miss a move they made. So far, they hadn’t moved, which made me fear that they were waiting on a signal from – her, maybe? She must have set me up. A long con to betray and kill me, if you will. Was she a new kind of monster I hadn’t met before? Was she their leader?
“I am human, I swear!” she called back, sounding almost like was about to cry. “I swear I didn’t –”
And that’s all she got out before all of the lights went out. Yes, all of them: both the spotlights and the house lights. We were plunged into complete darkness, except for the single weak beam from my flashlight, which illuminated flashes of fur and skin and claws as the monsters simultaneously raced towards me.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK,” I screeched, tripping over my own feet as I hurried backwards. Fumbling in the dark, I reached into my pockets and managed to find my lighter and one of the cocktails. Unfortunately, I only have two hands, so I had to hold the knife between my legs as I rapidly tried to ignite the cocktail without seeing it. The lighter flicked on, and by the glow of the flame, I could see both the rag (good) and the monsters, who were almost at the stage (bad). Frantically, I managed to set the rag on fire, and as soon as it caught, I flung it into the horde. Then I ran.
From behind me, I heard the explosion and the screeches of monsters – mostly Brents, probably – as it killed at least a few of them. Not that was as helpful as I wanted it to be.
I was holding the knife again now, the lighter in my other hand, but I didn’t have enough of a lead to stop and ignite the other Molotov cocktail, or to try my hand at lasers. For now, I just had to run. The lighter provided just enough visibility to not trip and kill myself as I raced backstage, shrieks and growls getting closer and closer behind me. Mr. B was on my shoulder, facing backwards and hissing, and while I appreciated his efforts, I’m pretty sure they were doing very little to deter our pursuers.
I guess there’s some mercy left in the world, because I came across a ladder. I was running out of backstage space as monsters swarmed closer from all sides (I couldn’t see them, but I could hear them), so without a second thought I climbed it as fast as I could. Thankfully, it led to – I believe it’s called a catwalk, I looked up it afterwards. You know, like a suspended platform above the stage where all the lights hang from. I ended up standing on that.
Apparently, Calebs and Brents weren’t used to ladders, because I had a blessed few seconds up there alone. I used them to ignite the second cocktail and throw it into the monster horde; seconds later, I could see the explosion as it tore apart several Brents. Nice. At least if I went down – and it sure seemed likely I would – I’d go down swinging.
I would have tried lasers, but I couldn’t see the Calebs’ eyeholes, and besides, there were way too many of them. And, as they figured out the ladder and eagerly began to climb up it, there was nowhere else to go. It was too high to jump safely, and even if I tried, I could hear the Calebs and Brents down below, waiting for me if I chose that option.
No way out. I cursed myself for being such an idiot and ignoring Rule #5 – because suddenly Rule #5 was very clear in my head – and said to Mr. B, “I love you, bud. Let’s go out fighting, huh?” He meowed in response.
So I fought. Armed with my knife, a pistol, and a cat, I fought. I held off the first few with only a few scratches and swipes, but then I ran out of bullets, and more of them had made it to the catwalk. I got bitten several times; claws were raked down my back, across my face, across my chest. I honestly don’t remember the details, but I know it was rough, based on the injuries afterwards.
I could hear shrieks and explosions below at that point, as if someone was fighting the monsters down on the stage too, but I didn’t have time to look. And soon it was too late; the monsters had overwhelmed me, I was spitting blood and barely conscious, and I’d run out of catwalk. As I swung the knife one last feeble time, a Caleb lunged at me, and I slipped backwards in a pool of my own blood, falling, falling, falling down to the stage, where I remember my head hitting the wood with a heavy thud (and yes it echoed) before I was completely unconscious.
(Man, fuck that Caleb. I mean, fuck all Calebs, but fuck that one in particular. That one that made me fall off the catwalk might actually be worse than original Caleb....on second thought, nah. He’s still the worst. Fuck Caleb the most.)
I really don’t know exactly what happened for the week after that. I remember flashes of someone carrying me down the street, but not a person; someone big, because I was far off the ground. Like Hagrid carrying Harry.
Then I was home, in and out of consciousness for days, in a haze and in a lot of pain. Most of my body was wrapped in bandages by someone. I think I was fed, too, because I remember soup. It’s all a weird blur of reality and dreams and agony. I’m still getting headaches and dizzy spells; I assume it was a concussion. Pretty serious blood loss, too, and a broken arm. Honestly, I’m probably lucky it wasn’t worse, all things considered.
But here’s the kicker: I wouldn’t be alive if the mystery person hadn’t gotten me out of there and into my home, if they hadn’t watched over me and cared for me and bandaged my wounds and even put my arm in a shitty makeshift sling. I would definitely have died on that stage, either from bleeding out or from becoming monster food. And I’m pretty sure the mystery person is, in fact, the girl I thought lured me into a fatal trap.
Why? Because when I finally woke up for good, I found a note left on the table. Once my head stopped swimming, I read it.
I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen; it wasn’t a trap. I realize it looks like that, and I don’t know how to show you otherwise. But I did what I could, and you should be okay now, though I can’t do anything about the scars. Best of luck to you and the cat.
P.S. If you ever decide to give me another chance, no riddles this time. You can find me in the bookstore on Sycamore Street.
P.P.S. My name is Zoe.
So, before you ask, no, I don’t know what to believe. It sure seems like she led me to a trap to kill me, but then why did she make sure I didn’t die? Is this all a multi-level trick? Or did she get ambushed by the monsters as much as I did? I just don’t know, and all the thinking in circles I’ve done about it has only made my head hurt worse.
I have no idea yet if I’m gonna go to that bookstore. It took me this long to even want to write about my first failed venture. And then things went to shit all over again at Christmas. At least I know her name, I guess. Though was it worth it? Who the fuck knows.
Anyway, I’m alive. And I sure as shit won’t be ignoring Rule #5 anymore. It seemed too good to be true, and whether it was intentional on her part or not, it was. Too good to be true, that is. So I think I’m retired from chasing her, at least for now. At least until my fucking arm can move again and words don’t swim on the page after writing for an hour. I do have long scars on my back and across my face that likely won’t ever go away.
But hey, I’m alive. And so is Mr. B. (I know he’s who you’re really worried about). I don’t think he fell with me; he probably snuck out between the monsters’ legs or something. But he was here purring on my lap when I woke up, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So cheers to me surviving despite my idiocy, and cheers to Mr. Bailey. I changed my mind about concert halls, though. You know how I said I could see the appeal? Yeah, fuck that. I’m never going back in one of those godforsaken places again .

The History of the Entire World, I Guess

hi.
you're on a rock floating in space.
pretty cool, huh?
some of it's water.
fuck it, actually most of it's water.
i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.
it's sad.
i'm sad.
i miss you.
how did this happen?
a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.
when?
never.
makes sense, right?
like i said, it didn't happen.
nothing was never anywhere.
that's why it's been everywhere.
it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
you don't even need a when.
that's how every it gets.
forget this.
i wanna be something.
go somewhere.
do something.
i want things to change.
i want to invent time and space.
and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.
i just don't know when to start.
and that's exactly where it started.
whoah, i paused it.
i think there's a universe now.
what's it made of?
quarks & stuff
ah, that's a thing.
in a place.
don't like it?
try a new place.
at a different time™.
try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.
and emptier.
but it's not empty yet.
it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
great news!
the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron
and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too
HOT
great news!
the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.
and some of them even doubled up.
great news, the electrons have now joined in
congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.
but it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer together.
and it's getting closer toge-
it's a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die.
bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
space dust
which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into
even crazier space dust
so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.
like this ball of flaming rocks for example.
holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.
and it kind of made a mess.
which is
now the moon
weather update:
it's raining rocks from outer space.
weather update:
those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.
weather update:
cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update:
it's raining.
severe flooding alert:
the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert:
that's land!
there's life in the ocean
what?
something's alive in the ocean
oh cool, like a plant or an animal?
no, a microscopic speck.
it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
oh yeah, and it can do that.
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.
so that's pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food
taste the sun
side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.
then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
it's a sponge.
it's a plant.
it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it's the Cambrian explosion
"wow, that's animals and stuff"
but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?
no
why?
the sun is a deadly lazer
oh okay.
not anymore, there's a blanket
now the animals can go on land.
come on, animals, let's go on land!
nope, can't walk yet.
and there's no food yet, so i don't care.
ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?
maybe, said some bugs, and fish.
ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to
have babies
learn to use an egg.
i was already doing that.
use a stronger egg.
put water in it.
have a baby, on land, in an egg.
water is in the egg.
baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me.
bye bye ocean
and now everything's huge.
including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land?
sure.
oh fuck, now everything's dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors.
keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.
here's another map of the land.
yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.
here comes a meteor.
and the dinosaurs are gone
it's mammal time, here come the mammals.
look at those breasts.
now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.
and walk.
no, like, walk like that.
and grab stuff at the same time.
and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
"ouch"
and set things on fire.
"yeouch"
and make crazy sounds with their voice.
"gneurshk"
which can mean different things.
that's a human person
and now they're everywhere.
almost.
ice age
what, you can walk over here?
cool.
not anymore
well i guess we're stuck here now.
let's review.
there's people on the planet.
and they're chasing their food.
fuck it, time to plant some grass.
look at this.
i control the food now.
now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.
let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything?
use metal.
it's underground.
better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.
and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next
more food.
and more people who came to buy the food.
now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.
and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal?
introducing
Bronze
made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.
i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.
also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.
now we're getting somewhere.
also
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop.
it's the people with the horses.
and they made an empire.
and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks
ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.
let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.
they're gone.
guess who's not gone?
china
new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff
you could make a religion out of this.
there's the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?
thanks.
look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.
here's some huge heads.
must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies.
the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.
the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire.
never mind, it's the babylonian- median-
it's the Persian Empire
"wow, that's big"
ah, the buddha was just enlightened.
who's the buddha?
this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.
you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.
it's a great idea.
he was great.
and now he's dead.
hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.
will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?
ok thanks, bye
time to conquer all of india
or
most of india
but what about this part?
that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.
who are the tamil kings?
merchants, probably
and they've got spices
who would like to buy the spices?
me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.
actually, they have three main philosophies.
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.
greekification overload!
bye, said the parthians.
bye, said the jews.
hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.
thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.
you could make a religion out of this.
want silk?
now you can buy it from china.
they just made a
brand new road to the world
or you can
get there on water
sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.
i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire?
yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet?
let's do it together.
china is whole again
then it broke again
still can't cross the sahara desert?
try camels.
hell yeah! now we've got business
said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves
hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?
no.
actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his
main rival
don't worry about rome, it won't fall.
it's the golden age of india
there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.
first name chandra.
the first.
guess who's in rome?
barbarians
what's a barbarian?
non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.
r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.
great job, göktürks.
how's india?
broken.
how's china?
back together
how's those trading kingdoms?
bigger, and there's more of them
korea has 3 kingdoms.
japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.
so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.
and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.
you could make a religion out of this.
and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.
plus there's
new kingdoms all over europe
i wonder if there's room for moors.
here's all the wisdom.
in a house.
it's the baghdad house of wisdom.
just in time for the
islamic golden age
let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?
someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.
surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.
then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.
but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.
they go north, from the north to the northern north.
and they find some land.
two types of land.
and they name them accordingly.
they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.
there's the rus.
the kievan rus.
are they vikings?
i don't think so, said the kievan rus.
ok, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors.
of the "roman empire".
the holy roman empire.
it's actually germany but don't worry about it.
new kingdoms.
christianize all the kingdoms
which brand would you like?
mine's better.
mine's better.
mine's better.
time to conquer england, said william.
it's a bird, it's a plane
it's the seljuk turks
aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.
we need help!
they need help, so they call the pope.
hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?
maybe take back the holy land on the way?
come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.
yes, i do actually want to do that.
let's do a crusade.
crusade
they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.
but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans.
hello toltecs
goodbye toltecs.
hello mississippi
look at those mounds.
there's the pueblo.
i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who's here?
khmer.
where?
here.
and pagan is there.
vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing.
and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.
nice going, Genghis!
i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time?
i think it's tonga time.
i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.
look at this chad.
means "lake".
there's an empire there.
right in the middle of
Africa
the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.
wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.
please remain christian.
we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming
china's back, yay!
hey khmer, time to share.
new kingdoms here and there.
oh, look who controls all the islands.
it's the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
majapahit?
oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.
it's kinda like a rebirth.
here's a printer.
let's make books.
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?
yep, said the ottoman turks.
nice job, ottoman turks.
whoops, you missed a spot.
don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.
well i guess we'll have to find another way to india
wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.
if the world is round, let's go this way to india.
nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.
so chris goes to spain.
hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?
no.
please?
no.
please?
no.
please?
ok.
so he sails into the ocean.
and discovers more ocean.
and then discovers the indies.
and japan.
let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.
i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?
the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.
move over lithuania, here comes moscow.
ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.
persia just made persia persian again.
let's make it the other kind of islam.
the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.
hey christians!
do you sin?
now you can buy your way out of hell.
that's bullshit.
this whole thing is bullshit.
that's a scam.
fuck the church.
here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?
what if the ottoman empire was really big?
which it is now.
what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.
and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.
damn, said england and france.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.
damn, said amsterdam.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
question 1: can you get to india through north america?
no, but at least there's beaver.
question 2: steal the spice trade.
that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
sugar
guess where all the sugar's made?
in brazil.
stolen
and the caribbean.
and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.
more specifically, ohio.
then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.
but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?
yes they did.
it's britain.
guess who's broke?
also britain.
so they start taxing the hell out of america.
fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.
and france helps them win, now france is broke.
and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a reli- no, don't.
haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.
especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.
why didn't we think of this before?
wait, who's in charge of france now?
me
said napoleon, trying to take over europe.
luckily, they banished him to an island.
but he came back
luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.
so now they can make
many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast
then they invent some trains.
and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
hey, china! said britain.
buy stuff from us!
nah dude, we already got everything, says china.
so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.
which worked, actually.
but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.
also, the
sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now
"that's just where he lives"
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.
nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.
technology is about to go crazy
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.
it's bad, they decided.
and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.
they never got ethiopia
britain and france are still hungry.
they never got thailand
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.
hawaii
cuba
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war!
what should we blame on spain?
let's blame the maine on spain.
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we're in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east.
it makes cars go
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn't had a war since the last war.
so they start world war 1.
look at those guns.
it's gonna be a great war.
so great we won't need a second one.
after it's over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.
now everyone's paycheck is the same.
communism
in the soviet union
the arabs revolt and britain helps.
now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the
jewish people a place to live
hopefully the arabs won't mind.
let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.
except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey
and then the saudis conquer arabia.
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
hello?
yes, it's the 1920's calling.
let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.
the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.
germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.
and he's mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.
they should probably just deny it.
hitler's out of control.
so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.
that's world war 2
bonus round!
pacific showdown.
united states vs. japan.
fight!
finish him
let's unite all the nations and have some
world peace
seems legit.
hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.
wow, that worked?
bonus, now there's pakistan.
actually two pakistans.
one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.
me, they both said at the same time.
let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.
sike, they both get angrier
look out china, there's a new china in china.
what's on the menu?
communism!
no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.
i wonder which one is the real china?
there's the korean war, korea versus korea.
nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
let's meet the sponsors.
oh, it's the two global superpowers.
they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.
and they both have atom bombs.
fight!
wait, no, that would be the end of the world.
let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.
and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
i'll race you to space.
now let's make some more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.
so here's a new map, with new countries.
now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.
they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.
south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let's check the world population.
whoa.
okay.
technology's better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.
let's check the mail.
surprise, it's on the computer.
whoops, someone just attacked america.
i bet they'll remember that.
phone call.
surprise, it's in your pocket.
wanna learn everything?
surprise, it's on the computer.
now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.
whoops, the economy just crashed.
don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.
surprise!
flying robots.
with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends.
some people have no food.
the globe is warming
and the ocean is full of plastic
let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.
let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.
that's pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?

Planning to travel to Argentina.... Looking for advice!

[Lets Build] Interesting Bartenders/Tavernkeepers

Lets build one hundred different tavern owners to make taverns more interesting!

Die Roll	Result
1	Davis Owensby - A retired farmer who converted his old barn into a tavern. This tavern keeper brews all his own beers with hops that he grows. He will sit and talk about farming for hours, if you let him. He is worried about his cows going missing, and suspects the ogres in the hills are to blame.
2	The Ghost of Sel'seren - This tavern is haunted by the previous tavern keeper who died a few years ago. Sel'seren was a gorgeous elven woman who treated all her guests like family. People who stay the night in this inn report having their covers being pulled over them on cold nights on their own, and mugs of ale being refilled on their own.
3	Mugsy - The ex-criminal Mugsy is a goblin who pulled off a BIG heist in his past, and is using the tavern as a cover to stay under the radar. He speaks fluent Thieve's Cant and usually takes a liking to rogue players. He charges paladins extra.
4	Slunk Copperpot - Slunk is a goblin stripper who recently came into possession of her own tavern because the previous owner died of mysterious circumstances. Slunk was always his favorite dancer, and he left the tavern to her in her will. The strange thing is, he died within days of telling Slunk that information. What a coincidence!
5	Al'Ashir - This foreigner from the desert is looking to start his new business in a land far from his home. He is overly accommodating, and typically cooks all the meals himself. If the patrons aren't used to desert cuisine, they may find it particularly on the dry side.
6	Thain D’ulbris - A former adventurer who says he has traveled with all the great heroes though none of his stories match up he is a portly fun loving man. Though he is a bit loud he has ties to the rebels though he doesn’t advertise this other than his rampant and aggressive nationalism he uses as a cover.
7	Lily - This charming, attractive Elven woman always seems to know exactly what to say to cheer up patrons and get them talking. A town drunk swears that she's actually a disguised monster and the head of a local organized crime syndicate.
8	Mimi - This enchanted wizard's familiaapprentice runs the bar, using her telekinetic abilities in place of hands. The bar features a variety of exotic drinks from across the world and even some extraplanar ones (dangerous and highly expensive drinks only available with a reservation and advance order).
9	Nimue - This bright red horned tiefling has spent quite a bit of money on the decor of her bar, which is themed after hell. The barestaurant is upscale, and the food and drinks, while good, are pricy. This is a popular spot for the children of nobility to attend. The bartender has acquired several rocks enchanted with Nystul's Magic Aura, which she has put in the foundations in order to create an "aura of evil" around the place.
10	Kra'ax Three Claw - The hulking Half-Dragon is surprisingly well mannered, but will violently throw out anyone they learn takes part in the trapping of animals. They lost their left foot to an owlbear trap while traveling the wilds and sorely miss going on long treks through the untamed wilderness. Will buy or trade at a very fair price for fresh wild berries and unique stones.
11	Grin Stoneboot - A stout dwarf, with fiery red hair and no beard, that owns and operates a tavern carved entirely from one large stone block. He’s known for his wild tales of his missing flying monkey. Every time one of his patrons asks him something he always manages to lead the conversation toward his missing monkey (Nam). Rumor has it that Grin shaved his beard and won’t regrow it until he finds his lost friend. I’m sure Grin would have a fantastic reward for the player that found poor Nam.
12	Orx Thrallkeep - former gladiator, living his best life running a bar with a solid connection to the local sporting events community and betting parlors. His favorite weapon, a silver trident, is more than just decoration behind the bar.
13	Abeg Two-Smiles - reformed thief, he was horribly scarred by an angry tavern owner during his early life and eventually returned from his adventuring days to not only buy the bar itself but also to help guide young, troubled future thieves by honing their skills and boasts that anyone able to successfully steal a mug from his bar will drink free for a year. So far, none have been able to do so.
14	Juli Wise (formerly Jani the Jannkiller) - druid with a focus on elemental magic, she's laying low for the time being until the next planar alignment allows her return to some mysterious place where her allies are waiting. In the meantime, she's keeping busy and trying get information from every traveler staying at her roadside inn.
15	Herk - a goblin who found the perfect score in treasure hunting - dead adventuring groups. His specialty is building quiet, lethal traps and placing them in front of already-cleared dungeons after the adventurers have entered. They die, he collects the loot and puts it to work building a safe space for his extended family. Remarkably, he's happier running a tavern than he ever was living in dungeons and caves.
16	Josh - A well-mannered ogre. Runs a small tavern on the edge of town, and it's clear that he puts a lot of love into it. His family was kidnapped for a gladiatorial arena, meant to test fighters prowess. Josh could never really stand the sight of blood, so he opted to take on the position of cook for the combatants in the arena. He's very self-conscious about his size, but he's a gentle giant, and a friendly soul. Speaks with a slight New Zealand accent.
17	Weiss and Jaded - an Aasimar and Tiefling Wife/Husband duo. Weiss mans the bar putting patrons to ease with her holy feminine charm while Jaded in the back is the Cook and Brewmaster known for his signature drink Devil Rose Ale. If asked about their relationship they'll simply state that it was originally a joke to screw with friends but they learned to truly love each other.
18	Lurag Strongbrew - Lurag is a retired Dwarven barbarian. He made it his mission in life to find the lost mead recipe of the legendary Dwarven brewer, Gilgoth Honeybeard. Once he retrieved it, he settled down and opened a tavern to share the legendary brew with the world.
19	Meef, Störsk, and Gjël - A trio of gnomes who take turns bussing tables, cooking, and bartending. Tavern is built into the bottom of a cliff-face and the goblins added wooden structure to turn a large hollow into a serviceable, if somewhat cramped for medium and larger characters. They each have small wooden protrusions on tight fitting jerkins that attach on the back of the each shoulder. They use these to boost eachother up and grab things from the top shelves. The food and beverages are mostly fungi-based with some options for everybody. They all complain of the smell if asked to cook meat, but will aquiesce and make the food without further qualm.
20	Kareem Sandjabar - A mage who runs the tavern liberal use of mage hand, unseen servant, summons, and other magical means. Keeps a pet mimic named Boorf in the tavern that likes to prank people by turning into mugs and foot stools. Will pay handsomely for self-washing dishes because he cant stand the way his minions clean them.
21	Elias Alondir - A high elf mage who seems a bit out of place running a tavern. Being a bit of a germaphobe, he has several unseen servants as his wait staff as well as his psudodragon that collects payment and tips. Elias never touches the coins from his customers, instead dumping it all into a chest with Mage Hand and cleaning it later. When the tavern gets busy, the high elf gets a bit of anxiety and copes by letting out small laughs and chuckles as he converses with his patrons. The name of the tavern? The Laughing Mage.
22	Iphin - A minor god of alcohol who got bored just being in his realm, sells stranded drinks for cheep and high quality drink for exorbitant prices, can cure hangovers for a price.
23	Chime - This kenku is the owner and operator of Three Crows tavern/inn. The main drink is made in house and is called the three crows. Upon taking the first drink of a freshly poured Three Crows the drinker feels a burp coming but when they open their mouth to burp they let out three caws (bird sounds) the bigger the drink you take the louder the caws should be, the smaller the sip the more quiet. Chime being a Kenku and having difficulty with communication has signs all around his tavern, not just menu/room and board, but also common sayings and phrases that he’ll point to when he doesn’t feel like interacting Backstory Chime a retired Pirate, he was The first mate to the famous Captain Dread. He retired after he was injured in a battle with the Royal Navy.
24	Littlebob Mancoon is a retired (from adventuring) halfling rogue with prison tattoos on his face. Barrel chested and rather tall for a halfling, he has a dead pan sense of humor but always raises one eyebrow when he's joking. Deep voiced, he is a quick talker who says "ya ya" and "no ya" alot. Always a gambler, he won this tavern called the Way Way in a high stakes game of Kiriki while incarcerated. He has a special where you roll 2 dice and are served drinks according to the outcome. If you roll a 1 and a 2 it's on the house. He also charges half price for those that order in thieves cant.
25	Vorrakas Crixush - Red dragonborn paladin-turned-mercenary-turned tavern owner. Despite suffering great tragedy in his life, he is a stern, yet friendly and fatherly figure. A life-time of adventuring has made him a veritable font of wisdom on the subject, and many up-and-coming adventurers come to him for advice. Runs the Red Fang tavern and inn with his old friend and sworn-brother, the dwarf Hjolthrun Bronzeheart. Mess with his wait staff at your peril. Don't mess with his adoptive drow daughter if you wish to live a long life.
26	Casémone Cosmone - A grey-skinned, brown-haired and ram-horned retired Lyre-playing Bard that runs a feywild-style tavern and claims himself to be a Faun. Drinks and dishes are named after imaginary feywild herbs, shrooms and berries, and tables are engraved with rings to make them look like tree stumps. Truth of the matter is he is simply a Tiefling that looks vaguely Faun-like and attempts to use this as a trick to get customers. Locals are usually aware of this, but an unassuming stranger may find themselves tricked. Despite knowing the trick, locals still come for the unique atmosphere and Casémone's bright smile and relentless dedication to the facade.
27	Hjolthrun Bronzeheart - Dwarven ex-mercenary, now part-owner and brewmaster of the Red Fang tavern and inn. A jolly old soul always willing to share a few tales to anyone who asks. Spends his days experimenting with new types of alcoholic drinks, from making wine from watermelons to trying to recreate an old recipe that includes slime from a gelatinous cube. His most prized possession is a reinforced dwarven adamantine beer stein his calls Fimbul'kheled (Great Mug). Mess with his wait staff are your peril. Don't mess with his drow sworn-niece if you wish to live a long life.
28	Aialla, a human bard who failed to make it in the big city and now runs an inn focused on performances. This way she can play all she wants. She's not amazing but not horrible either. Here anyone can play or read. In fact you need to perform or the price of your meal is doubled. What you perform is up to you, but each customer must do something on stage to get the discount.
29	Angus Throwbeard - a surly dwarf that walks around on stilts, making him seven and a half foot tall.
30	Dirk Prophet- Assimar Bartender with a love of spiced and mulled drinks. He stands at 6'5" and has golden hair with silver freckles. The most popular drink he makes is called Celestials call, it is 3 part vodka, one part berry juice, bitters and a sprinkling of mint and spices and a touch of silver dust. A retired bard he has his lute about the bar and can sometimes be caught playing on slow nights.
31	Boogle the Gnome - He has a pack of weasels that help him tend the bar.
32	Fizz the Kenku - who repeats your order back in your own voice. The "Fizz" is literally the sound of a sudsy beer being poured.
33	Father Endros - Tends bar at a location run by the local church. He and his fellow monks brew beer in the name of their diety.
34	Misty Spring - A hard as nails half elf who was raised by a nature loving human parent and now hates that lifestyle, almost as much as she hates her name. She hasn't left the confines of the city she lives in for years.
35	Floria - A sweet halfling barkeep who just wants to be everyone's mother. She has her regular's meals waiting for them when they clock out of their shifts. She is VERY attentive with her patrons.
36	Umlog and Nevell aka "the beauty and the beast". Umlog is a literal troll, yet an extraordinary one. He's as intelligent as a troll can be and actually not a bad fellow. He is well read and has particularly deep knowlegde of local laws. He acquired his tavern in a remote deal via an exchange of letters. No one knew a troll was the buyer, before the deal was done. People in this area -close to the feywoods- are very keen on honoring deals and contracts and thus, somewhat begrudgingly abstained from gathering their torches and pitchforks. The success of the "Green side of Life" -that's the name of the tavern- is not only based on Umlog's craftiness, though. A nymph named Nevell works in the tavern at the side of Umlog. She is hospitality personified, a skilled chef, baker and singer. Nobody except them seems to know how they ended up together, but they run a really homely place in a village on the edge of civilization.
37	Pierce "Ears" Moldun, a balding human with normal sized, non-pierced ears, is the owner of Sweet Relethe. He is always looking down, at the drink he is pouring, the bar he is polishing, or the food he is cooking. He is a man of few words. Tell him, "Ears, I need to give away a story," and leave a proper sum on the bar. You will know what his service is worth if you truly need it. It may be expensive, but rarely more than one can pay. The price is different for every story, but if you do not offer enough, he will know after a quick glance at you. He will shake his head and continue with his work. If your coin is sufficient, he will nod his head, then get the dark blue bottle down from the top shelf. Slowly. Carefully. The bottle is beautifully made, but you find yourself unable to describe it apart from the color. He will pour a tiny shot, small as a thimble, before replacing the bottle and pulling you a beer to go with it. He will tell you that it's best to drop the shot in the beer then drink it slowly as you tell your story. It is best to trust him on this. As you begin your story, he will look up at you with eyes the same color as the bottle, and you will not be able to look away. He will listen intently as you tell your story, and as the words pass your lips they will also pass out of your memory. The regulars say that even if someone is sitting right next to you, they will not hear a word, just the quiet mumbling of a slow moving river. You will leave Sweet Relethe no longer possessed by your story, not in the slightest upset at your expenditure, and quick to recommend Ears of Sweet Relethe to anyone who seems in need of his service.
38	Ripzicki Papqat - Gnomish owner of "The Shimmer and Shine," Rip is known for drinks that pack a punch stronger than their small size lets on. An accomplished but eccentric alchemist, Rip has taken to testing out the effects of his drinks at his inn.
39	Shanassa the Viridescent - Dryad owner of "The Cornicopia," Shanassa's inn is actually a tree magically manipulated to house guests. Unfortunately, she had to close down the tables balanced on branches until she could figure out how to get drunk customers to stop falling off.
40	Arthur "Art" Igneous Ficer - Art is a an average sized fellow with sallow skin and sunken eyes. To give you an idea of his general appearance: despite owning a bar and inn for travelers, it looks like Art is the one that really could use some rest. But Art is a pleasant man with a passion for magically enchanted items. He gladly will talk to any traveler with such an item about the item. He finds it all fascinating. He will tell you that he used to dabble a little, but he couldn't find too many volunteers. So, he opened a bar and inn, and that pays pretty well. He keeps the price low, and that keeps travelers coming in. If you decide to stay for the night, all weapons need to be left in his care before you head up to your rooms. He's had too many drunken fights break out in the dormitory area, he will tell you. For any party member that blacks out at the bar or decides to stay the night, the DM must roll a D4 when the party member checks out of the inn. You see, Art never did give up his love of magic item creation, and he is desperately working on figuring out how to enchant weapons and items in a single night. DM rolled a 4? Surprise! An item of yours, at the DM's choosing, has acquired a properly functioning effect, also of your DM's choosing! Rolled a 3? Well, it's the same as 4, except the DM will also roll a 1d10 on your every use/attack, and a 1 will mean that your item misfired in wild magic (DM's choice). A 2? Oof. Well, it is the same as rolling a 3, except your item is completely unmagical except for the 1d10 chance of wild magic. And if the DM rolls a 1, then you were significantly robbed of either money or an item. Making magical weapons and items costs a lot, after all, and Art has a bit of rogue in him, it seems. Also, for any night a party member stays at the inn, there is a 1d6 chance of an unsatisfactorily explained small fire breaking out overnight. The following morning after such a fire, Art normally looks a little worse for wear.
41	Judy Krom - Owner of the Dog's Ear Inn, she learned a spell of invisibility to "clean up messes". most patrons are none the wiser but casting a spell to see invisible things reveals that the cups and bar top are coated with years of dirt and grime. The town isn't really sure why people are getting so sick all the time but the bar is always packed because Judy is such a charismatic person. She'll tell you stories for hours, but none of them are true.
42	Will Hornton - This bar called The Screaming Pickle has been in his family for 5 generations. People come from miles around for his pickle hooch. He never married and has no son to pass the bar to and it's getting late in his years. However, the business has slowed since the latest news of the campaign has scared customers off and he isn't sure he will have had anything to pass on to a kin anyway.
43	Abigail Turnsprout - A jolly halfling who is an avid gardener. She spices her drinks with unique herbs grown in her garden just behind her tavern, The Tipsy Turnip. Her prized Top Shelf Brew has a secret recipe of herbs and spices that many have tried and failed to obtain.
44	Tally- an older, buff halfling woman who speaks with a country accent and repeatedly calls the players "honey." Used to be an adventurer and tells stories of the fights she once found herself in.
45	Bob, Jim, and Clyde- three gnomes in a trenchcoat. They all have completely different personalities, opinions of different races, and pricing. They go by whatever the name is of the gnome whose head is on top that day!
46	Oldeye Jasper - An elderly human with one white lazy eye. He's warm and inviting to people who come into his bar, but if you let him, he'll talk to you for hours about his conspiracy theories like Lizardfolk secretly running the kingdom, or Fey leaving changelings in place of local children, and the mayor being secretly a swarm of pixies in disuse. But these are just the ramblings of an old man. Right?...
47	Sweeps - An animated broomstick that serves drinks and cleans the tavern 24/7. This would be extremely advantageous if he weren't so incredibly clumsy. He was made by the previous owner and now the current owners don't know how to get rid of him.
48	Sloppy' Joe Reznar. A Half Orc who earned his nickname for often being drunker than his customers.
49	Tivali - A female tabaxi with 5 young kids all the same age who love roaming around the tables asking adventurers tons of questions. They will sometimes place wagers or entertain for money in order to compete with their siblings for who can make the most money in one night. If they were to ever get into trouble, Tivali would suddenly be there scooping them into her arms. She's a racing champion who's known to be able to run faster than a falcon can fly.
50	The Tavern - There is no tavern keeper because this magical tavern is it's own keeper. Food appears on tables seconds after ordering it, and all you must do to pay is toss coins onto the wooden floor which immediately disappear without even a sound. There are no rooms available in this tavern, it is simply for enjoyment only. Those who forget to pay the bill tend do go missing the next day...
51	Amie, Aedricks, and Harlen. Triplets who’ve inherited a tavern. They are a Human, Elf, and Half-Elf and the Human and Elf are always feuding, leaving the Half-Elf to mediate. When the heroes arrive, the two are in such a bad fight, it must be resolved before the party can rest there for the night.
52	Elane of Juunvanfel. She is a young bartender, daughter of the ancient bartender who was a mythomaniac. Everyone knows it, but He was harmless. He was saying he was a prince of a far away land called Juunvanfel, but no one believe him. Elane talk about it with a lot of humour, and there's no chance she is really a princess. But she is really kind and charismatic, and everyone in town called her Little Queen. (if you want the lie to be true, why not!)
53	Drubogg. An orc (or half-orc) who was a raider in the past. After 15 years of jail, the local authority had free him with mercy. One of the tavern in the town was dying because the bartender was very sick, and Drubogg help him to run his business. Since 3 year, this impressive orc are a meticulous bartender and the town seems to accept him quit gently, even with his violent past. He take care of the previous bartender with a cold, but sincere kindness.
54	Jomag and Marsia. A couple who run the tavern since 20 years. The love between them is still joyful. But sometimes, they seems to be quit melancholic. If the players want to know something about it, the bartenders don't want to spread the information. But the customers will respond : they suffer they can't have children. Maybe, if one day the PCs find an orphan, they can make them very happy.
55	One-Day-He. A clever halfling who is a sorcerer who had change his name to make a contract with a powerful, but naive, Wealth Spirit. After 10 years of labor in this tavern, he will have access to an impressive amount of gold. Technically, he trade his soul... but the contract say "One-day-he will give me his soul after he receive the gold.". He's very happy and boastful about that. Maybe he's not so clever, because it's obvious for the PCs that all rogue people in town just wait the day who One-Day-He will receive the gold to steal him. Maybe the Wealth Spirit is vexed to had been so naive, and will exchange the soul of One-Day-He with a lot of gold? Who knows!
56	Holt - A man in his mid thirties whos never left the town- and doesn't intend to. He knows everyone, and everyone knows him, and seems to owe him a favor. He's always willing to help out, going to great lengths to do so, and is very warm and welcoming to all in his tavern. The patrons of his tavern return his favors, and as such he holds many regular customers, many of who will jumpy quick to stop a destructive bar fight.
57	Nora Durthane and Agnes Baumann, a dwarf and human couple. Agnes keeps the ledger, walking through the tavern room like a queen through court, greeting every patron with a smile. Nora runs the kitchens, providing hearty fare for adventurers and locals. Their tiefling son helps run the bar and remove belligerent patrons.
58	Trish One-Eye - Owner and operator of the rickety old dive bar down by the docks. An old woman with a red embroidered eyepatch and short grey hair. She secretly can talk to rodents, and so can be an excellent source of rumors and information, if you get on her good side. Serves a spicy 'meat stew' which may or may not be made of cat. Will tell lewd jokes and talk shit about her ex-girlfriends if you get her drunk.
59	Eigen Renn: A tall, heavily built human with a smirking smile and an exceptionally loud laugh. Always knows just what to say to break up a fight or set up favorite patrons for romance. Full of stories, most of which are obvious lies that you can't help but half believe. Remembers everyone's first name, their drink, their birthday, their type, and their misadventures (which he will happily and loudly relate to the entire bar--but all in good fun). Ruddy faced, with scant blond hair and tired, grey-blue eyes. He brags that he is son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a fallen princess and a tavern keeper. He isn't. He also isn't Eigen Renn. In another time and a distant country he had another name, the name of a slave trader notorious for his charm and cunning. He dealt in "specialties:" finding just the right slave for your particular, and highly expensive taste. Children, oddities, half-breeds, even sentient monsters were all his trade. Rumor says he once sold a nobleman his own son after faking the boy's death. Another says he sold two rivals to each other, then sold both to a particularly inventive necromancer. Nothing was beneath him, and no one was beyond his reach. An elaborate magical ruse allowed him to escape his old life (with pockets full of gold and magical protections for his "retirement"), he now amuses himself playing tavern keeper and practicing his own slaver's skills by manipulating the lives of his clients. Whether his enemies find him again--and if they do whether he is worth saving--is up to you.
60	Bart Keep - an irresponsible innkeeper who runs a shoddy tavern. The food and drinks are low quality, brawls happen too often, a lot of stuff get stolen, and one time a pack of rats invaded the tavern. And he never notices because he says that he's busy with 'other things'. And when he means other things, he means looking at erotic literature and pleasuring himself. No wonder no one even bothered to shut down his tavern yet.
61	Alice Bob - An innkeeper of a tavern with a horrible reputation who tries her hardest to make her tavern better, and yet she only makes things worse. Turns out that the tavern is cursed by a witch after Alice refused to serve her, thus cursing the tavern with bad luck.
62	Xaero Xsisth: A lizardfolk woman, exiled in her youth from her tribe for being highly intelligent, which lizardfolk generally shun. Growing up in the shadows and alleys of a grand city, she learned how to cook, bake, brew and serve by observation. Asking her any question about tribal life may cause her to have an emotional breakdown. Xaero loves hearing tales of daring and adventure and if the story is good enough, she may just let you have a snack for free!
63	Jasmine Mcaull - A blue macaw parrot aarokocroa who serves up any rum-based drink with a song and a smile. She often requests bards to try their hand at playing salsa music in her tavern and is known to give a couple of unsolicited tips to the adventurers that seem to appreciate the unusual music. Her tavern stands out for its bright colors and attempts at island decor.
64	Torin Pliedes - A solicitous satyr who spends half his time behind the bar and half his time tormenting the serving wenches. He has a permanent "Help Wanted" sign in the window as he's a cruddy boss and most don't tolerate his attentions for long. He's so preoccupied that half the time he pours the beer but doesn't collect the money he's owed.
65	Falstaff Argon - A stout half-orc who boasts about his accomplishments as an adventurer and proudly displays his war axe on an ebony plaque behind the bar. He challenges adventurers to take the bigger jobs and bigger hunts if he hears them deliberating in his tavern. He was injured badly in his last adventure and decided only then to retire, though it is clear he misses the life. He pays nobly for a good stag or boar and is known to post hunts of unusual creatures that plague the area.
66	Grimm - This tavern is actually run by a number of different people and the main bartender switches out every single day to an entirely new person - but behind the scenes, it’s just a single changeling practicing their acting.
67	Illia the Wise: A handsome dwarf woman, Illia is actually Illixthalix, an adult Gold Dragon who is locked in her dwarf form due to a run-in with a Fey spirit decades ago. Became a tavern keeper initially to keep her ear to the ground to try and find someone who could break the curse, but has found that she quite likes living amongst mortals. The local government is aware of her true draconic nature, and she has a tense agreement to advise them on matters concerning dragons, historical events, and magic items in exchange for them not causing her trouble. She can temporarily assume her true form, but doing so causes a good deal of discomfort and she is unable to hold the form for longer than a few moments (quite long enough to intimidate unruly patrons to settle down however). Is THE expert on the architecture and infrastructure of the now-nonexistant country of Grecciyn and has authored four books on the subject.
68	Talensvar - Talensvar is a highly civilized ogre who dresses eloquently every night and keeps an immaculate establishment. The servers are all well-dressed, well-spoken and polite. Some are half-orcs, and some of the kitchen staff and plate clears dishwashers etc are goblins as well as human. It's a high-end inn. my game talents are lost two of his friends under mysterious circumstances in a battle and will pay adventurers to find them. He is well spoken polite tolerant, everything you don't expect an ogre to be. However he doesn't put up with any nonsense, except from a friend of his who's a local hedge wizard, who will be happy to join a party just for some pay at the end of it. He uses spells that often spectacularly fail, usually with somewhat comic but not too harmful results.
69	Rondo “Double Dizzy” Thimblebottom: A retired Gnome Ranger Beastmaster who hung up his adventuring cap after his lifelong friend and pet Giant Badger, Dizzy, was slain in combat. He’s now the proprietor of Dizzy’s Pub, a dive-y but well-loved pub by locals who come to hear Rondo recount tales of his adventuring days, some comical, some downright frightening. A giant painting (by gnome standards, it’s only 60”x48”) of Dizzy curled up resting under a tree is adorned above a fireplace in the pub.
70	Gina and Reyna, Gina is a kenku woman who owns the tavern and helps run it if the party has any questions she will point to Reyna her adopted daughter and tell them 'Ask Reyna'. Reyna is a half eleven girl that is 19 she has been teaching Gina how to talk more and is more then willing to answer any of the party's questions.
71	Tolbin Shortwick, a halfling rouge who speaks thieves' cant and has a few drugs and basic potions that you can get if you speak thieves' cant to him. There are investigations on people getting robbed at other taverns and with further investigation you will learn it was Tolbin or if you speak thieves' cant Tolbin will tell you it was him.
72	Chopper - A half-orc who cultivates rumors that they chop off body parts of those who dont pay their tab. They keep a few bottles on display with fingers and toes preserved inside, and have a ritual requiring those who want to start a tab, "Kiss the Toe" by taking a drink from one of the bottles. Truth is, Chopper secretly knows a Gravedigger who can procure parts, no questions asked.
73	Sweet Leaves - A small treant. The only type of alcohol that's served in their establishment is a special kind of Kirsch. This is because Sweet Leaves makes all their alcohol with their own cherries. As a result, Sweet Leaves' tavern is small but popular to a small group interested in the Kirsch.
74	Virtus Swifttail - A slightly overweight centaur in his late 20s who decided that he preferred city life over the nomadic life of his former tribe. While he's chatty and provides good service, he often ends up bumping things accidentally with his horse half.
75	Barrus Fymar - A large human man who's in his early 60s who towers over most of his guests. He used to be a paladin adventurer, but he lost his sword arm during a battle with a nightwalker and retired to become a tavern keep. He still displays the magical greatsword he used on his journey inside his tavern, but it's now unusable by him.
76	Sinead, Iron Golem operator of J.J. Killahans - Sinead was originally conjured as a bouncer for the rowdy establishment. The original owner, J.J., left the bar to Sinead in his will. Sinead runs the bar, though hospitality is often beyond her reach. She plays the same 3 tavern songs on a 15 minute loop, as 15 minutes is more than adequate time for a customer to consume their drink (and promptly leave).
77	Silent Joey is abnormal because he's, well, silent. Normally this would be an unacceptable obstacle for a bartender, but Joey is a master drink-maker and surprisingly good at interacting with customers. He's a very good listener, too.
78	Greenscarf Tabitha has the power of appearance-changing but can't control it. She wears a green scarf so others can identify her, as it's anyone guess what face you'll see when you walk in each evening.
79	Malamenmar is a polite and talkative guy who runs a quiet inn on a mountain road. But once a month a mysterious man comes into the bar and Malamenmar drops everything to cater to this guy. If pressed he will reply that the man is a very dear friend and he values his comfort highly.
80	Ranold & Ezra Nikos are brothers. Outgoing Ranold tends bar, reserved Ezra handles the supplies and finances. The strange thing is that the two are never seen in the same place at once.
81	A blind bartender that doesn’t realize his formerly-white rag is dirtying the glasses, but he still keeps perfect track of who orders what.
82	Kurdran Brewhammer - This Dwarf is the last remaining Brewhammer, legendary brewers that were known far and wide for a huge variety of beers. Kurdran is a retired adventurer who loves battle and action. He has a tall orange mohawk and a big bushy beard and is extremely proud of his family heritage. He's very friendly and loves to tell tales of his various adventures, but if provoked he is a fierce barbarian. With a swig of beer, he's ready to brawl!
83	Captain Andor Gray is the innkeeper of Sparrow's Rest. He was the captain of the Night Wind, a smuggling ship, but is now earning a mostly honest living. He retired after a shipwreck that killed most of his crew. He still keeps "Pickle", a green parrot, who can usually be found in the common room. The bird will squawk "awk stay outta the grog awk" whenever someone refills their mug from the cask that Gray keeps out, free for the sailors who can't afford better. You can almost always find a fence buying goods there (no questions asked), and rumors say there's a hidden tunnel from the cellar that leads under the city wall to an abandoned quarry.
84	Joost is the friendly innkeeper of the Crown and Crescent inn. He's either a very tall dwarf, or maybe a half-dwarf (no one's sure, and he won't say). He has rust-colored hair and a braided beard, which he tucks into his apron.
85	Kósh is the half-orc innkeeper of the Outside Inn, just outside the city of Redcliff. He named it, but he doesn't really get the joke. Surprisingly, the inn does good business, even though it has few amenities except for a large stable and a good location if you're just passing through the city.
86	Zhirella is the attractive female half-elf innkeeper (and madame) of the Golden Bush tavern. It's very popular for its high-class courtesans.
87	Egan 'Rusty' Ironmane is the dwarf innkeeper of the Silver Eel Tavern. He was formerly a fisherman and before that a soldier.
88	Hard'ach "Hardy" Sl'avis - A dragonborn with the mannerisms of a dwarf, he inherited his tavern from his grandfather, Sil'bahn. He has a knack for making spicy meals for his patrons, and is quite a friend to make, knowing all of the goings-on in the town.
89	Cressida and Corinth Vor Haishen - a Dwarven couple with an adopted minotaur for a son far taller than either of them. They'll give you a discount if you can tell their son a story that'll keep him entertained for a bit, and want your input on where to send such a curious young boy to learn more. An academy, a monastery, they want input!
90	Skaesgolr the Tired - Skaesgolr the Tired of the Uthgardt will tolerate near enough anything, a fair fight is welcome, but assassins and thieves are not. He has much pride, and still believes he honours Uthgar, both with his past, and his present. His greatest achievement, a Giant sized great axe, it can be seen broken and damaged, hung in it’s ruined majesty on the rear wall above the bar. Anyone who challenges his idea or faith in his God will be challenged to a fight and/or be made to leave. Growing tired of finding the next great challenge, he claims that if Uthgar wants him to die in some great battle, it will have to find him - here he will wait... warm, well fed, with a belly fully of ale and a sack full of silver.
91	Molly Rexxen - A red-headed human female who always wears a bandana over her hair. She's a retired high level fighter who was once a soldier, and was ridiculed because she was a woman amongst the guard. When her city was surprised attacked by a neighboring band of monsters, she devised a plan and led the charge that protected the city with no casualties. After this, she turned down a promotion and quit to build her tavern and create an adventuring guild.
92	Modeus Jackson - a retired high level bard who runs "The Pocket" Inn. Often humming as he works and any action he does seems to follow the rhythm to an unheard song. In fact anyone who stays in "The Pocket" for long enough will find their actions more rhyrhmic than usual, joining in a symphony of synchronized cultery clanking, mastication, foot tapping under harmonising musical conversations and even melodious arguments. Modeus takes extra delight in serving Bard patrons who bring their own instruments and will offer discounts and advice in return for a quick performance.
93	Krall Razorthorn - Former half-orc warrior turned tavern owner, he exchanged his armor for a tuxedo. He runs a high class tavern called The Silk Sheik Tavern, specializing in dainty cocktails and high end drinks.
94	Borgrarg - Having amassed a fortune adventuring, this dwarf opened Drink. The tavern hasn't make so much as a copper piece in 4 years. He's been drunk all this time giving away drinks to anyone who walks in the door. Lucky for him, he's located in a small village, now known for its sobriety.
95	Marty Oggbin - smallish, middle-aged human, with a slight hunch on his back. Born and raised locally. Marty is forever the optimist and mysteriously manages to spin any traveler's downtrodden tale. He often gives away food to those most in need.
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Rock, Paper, Scissors: War Games

This is a rather long one and the last in this particular Universe for a while, enjoy!

Admiral Alexis was... Bored... When the usual suspects called for an emergency meeting he expected another war, some sort of political snafu or maybe a major discovery that would require his input.
Once he learned how little was at stake he stopped really listening, as far as he's was concerned it was just about someone cheating at video games...
****************************** The War Games had first been introduced as a way to create camaraderie between the races and to have hard data on the strategies and capabilities of the different races.
The Noradons had been the only ones who participated along side the Humans.
Targeting locks would count as hits for space combat, smoke would be artillery explosions, low level electric batons would be used to simulate blades and good old paint balls for live ammunition.
The result was an overwhelming win for the Humans, the Noradons' new Overseer, Talon, was far too direct in his approach, the only victories he achieve were when he had superior numbers and never in defense scenarios.
He didn't care for traps, small deployment of troops, scouts, listening to his officers on the ground or any type of subterfuge.
The second was a more balanced affair, the Noradons had now far more specialist units and Talon had learned from his mistakes.
It was also a lot more popular, it wasn't viewed as a barbaric display of power like the first one but as a more violent sporting event.
Thou the second game was better remembered for the arrival of the A/O during the closing of the games.
****************************** The ceremony was finished, everyone was picking up their things and preparing to leave.
Kin son of Krono, host of the ceremony at the Commonwealth's HQ had the classic bartender's look that screamed: you don't have to go home but you can't stay here...
That is until Lawless contacted him.
A massive ship, dreadnought class from the tonnage, had just entered the system, it would be here in mere minutes.
Seeing how The Pale Horse and the Queen's Fury, the only known dreadnoughts, were already there this was worrisome to say the least.
He urged everyone to remain, not that anyone was going to leave now, this was exactly what the War Games were ultimately about: being ready when the time came to fight.
By the time the unknown ship emerged, the Combined fleet, the Noradons swarm along side the dozen or so ships of the Imphlasms were ready for anything, the Va'sh had stayed home.
Historians still wonder to this day what would have happened had they been present.
The ship was an odd mix of science and gardening gone wrong, an icosahedron with a power signature better measured in stars covered in moss and vines.
Admiral Alexis: “Identify yourself and your intentions”
Unknown Ship: “We are us, we wish to learn all there is to know”
Admiral Alexis: Huh, doesn't sound too bad
Unknown Ship: “We wish to be the only sentient races alive!”
Alexis: Ah, this would be the other shoe dropping, “We can help you with that first part but do not think we will just allow ourselves to be killed without a fight”
The Unknown Ship powered what looked like weapons
The fleets above Commonwealth HQ were ready for combat and spread out in loose formations, combat was about to be joined.
Than came from Commonwealth's Law a message sent on all frequencies
3.14: “Very well and than what?”
Unknown Ship: “... We would be safe and no other sentient beings would add needless variables to the grand equation”
3.14: Grand equation? Have we finally run into civilized alien lifeforms!?, “I assume the grand equation is a single mathematical formula that explains and predicts all things in the Universe?”
Unknown Ship sounding happy and not monotone for the first time: “Yes!”
3.14: “So your plan is to remove all sentient beings to make it safe and easier to calculate”
Unknown Ship: “Yes, that would be optimal”
3.14: “And you would just exist like that until the heat death of the Universe?”
Unknown Ship: “The what?”
Admiral Alexis was growing impatient, the Krush ambassador and the Ship had been talking astrophysics for two hours now, the Unknown Ship powered down their weapons into the first few minutes of this discussion and it was looking like there would be no fighting after all.
Unknown Ship: “I see, so no matter what, eventually all things would end”
3.14: “It is inevitable”
Unknown Ship: “Perhaps, perhaps not, we will think on how to prevent this, it is a far more grievous threat than any alien species consuming us”
3.14: “Yes that would be a worthy endeavor to occupy a mind like... Wait, eat you!?”
The threat of conflict over, proper introductions took place, the Ship was composed of two species: the moss and vines was a single plant entity and the ship itself a massive AI, the first true and somehow naturally occurring AI the galaxy had ever known.
They had met by accident, the plant life form floated into the hull of the AI on a small meteor and grew there, the AI could easily predict how it behaved, it liked the little plant and they formed a bond.
In their travels they intercepted Commonwealth transmissions.
The Plant accessed the holo-net and saw that every sentient species ate plants in some capacity, the AI saw the chaos some species were capable off.
They decided to strike first but upon learning how all would one day end shifted focus to finding a may to prevent it.
They were giving a name: Alpha for being first of their kind and Omega for their shared goal to see that the end never happens, A/O for short.
They chose to stay in orbit around Commonwealth HQ, doing nothing of note.
Sometimes the AI would discuss theories with the scientifically inclined races on how to prevent heat death and the Plant would have philosophical debates on what constitutes life with the more spiritual races.
****************************** Alexis sighed
That was then, this is now
Alexis looked at Ambassador Paul trying and failing to convince the others of the gravity of the situation.
“This could prove a huge security risk, we must find out who is doing this!”
Alexis had had enough
“No offense but finding out who is messing with the War Game's holo settings isn't much of a threat”
Paul: “The most likely scenario is that someone is interfering with the Games in order to make a large profits from the bets taking place, we must find who is doing this”
3.14: “I'm pretty sure only Humans would do such a thing”
He looks at the Admiral
“No offence”
Admiral Alexis: “None taken, I mean, who else thinks it's Humans?”
Lady EliIi: “No doubt”
Warlord M'rm'n: “Of course!”
Ambassador Uv: “Makes sense”
Lawless, the AI of the Commonwealth Law sat at this meeting, she was the referee of the Games
“It's Humans, there's no question about that”
Paul: Et tu Lawless? “Anyway, I have put top men in charge of finding out the truth”
3.14: “Who?”
Paul: “Top. Men”
****************************** Lord Doros was having a bad day, the Combined ambassador had contacted Transit concerning supposed hacking of the War Games.
Normally this would be well beneath the 12 Blades but their “failure” with the Diszin incident had allowed the ambassador to call in a favor, so to speak.
Lord Doros: Pretty sure we got the job as punishment.
He thought back to the morning's meeting
Boss: “... And so we have to find who is messing with the Games and why”
Everyone looked confused, Lord Doros was fuming...
Scout K'r's lifted his paw
“Not that I mind but killing someone over rigging games feels like going overboard”
G00.106 nods
Boss sighed
“We are not to kill anyone,we simply report our finding to the officials and arrest the individuals if we can”
The specialists in the room said nothing, the shock was total, this mission was not only something they should never have to do but they would have to operate like common... Cops.
Lord Doros had had enough
“So what's next? Trade disputes? Traffic control!?”
Boss: “I understand how you feel but Transit gave us the mission and we must obey”
Lord Doros: That was 5 hours ago, now we are on the Commonwealth Law, looking for “leads”
Smith was a professional, he was given a task and would complete it, no matter how absurd.
He was meeting with Lord Doros, K'r's and G00.106 in the Commonwealth's Law cafeteria, there were dozen of groups of different races all over the place, while most individuals who participated in the Games did not travel to Commonwealth HQ, many coaches, reporters and VIPs did.
Which is why Commonwealth Law was used as a safe meeting for these individuals.
The media to try to snag any exclusives they could, the VIPs to follow the games along side fellow VIPs and the coaches for the timed honored tradition of getting in the referees face when they had a complaint.
Lord Doros was already sitting at the meeting table
“So anything?”
Smith sat at the opposite side of the table and G00.106 stayed standing her back to the two.
Smith: “No luck so far, I talked with a few coaches and the odd VIP but they let nothing slip”
Lord Doros nodded, he himself had not found anything and given the levels of security involved he doubted anyone would.
“G00.106?”
G00.106 shrugged
“Not a damn thing, I even tried asking a few males while wearing nothing but lingerie like some of the girls onboard suggested but all I got were screams and a fine for..”
She reads her datapad to get it right
“... Creepy indecent exposure”
Smith had a horrifying mental image and shuddered.
Lord Doros shuddered a second later
“Thanks for sharing specialist Smith”
Smith: “Sorry, the image just, wait a second wouldn't you have gotten the same from G00.106 anyway?”
Lord Doros shakes his head
“Noradons are now all psychically linked to the Overseer at some level, you can't read one without listening in on all of them so it comes out as static”
Smith: “Very well... So i guess we have no leads to follow”
G00.106 was slightly insulted by the conversation that had just taken place but decided to move on
“So anyway, I doubt it was Noradons, we don't really do the whole crime thing”
Lord Doros nodded
Smith: “Has anyone seen K'r's? It's not his style to be late”
Lord Doros opened his eyes wide and looked up
Smith and G00.106 followed his gaze.
K'r's was sitting above them on a lamp, his green coat and pants were torn in places, his beret was missing, chunks of fur looked to have been ripped off and he had a thousand yard stare that spoke of unimaginable horrors.
Smith: “What the Hell happened to you!”
K'r's grabbed a flask from inside his coat, unscrewed the lid and took a sip
“Ran into Captain Grace”
He than took a much, much larger drink, never making eye contact.
Smith bit his fist and looked away.
G00.106 separated her arms, jumped into the pole holding the lamp and grabbed the Va'sh, cradling him like a new born larva and looked at Lord Doros
“Permission to take specialist K'r's to the ship for medical care!”
Lord Doros nodded solemnly
“Granted”
Smith and Lord Doros watched her run to their shuttle
Smith looked concerned
“Poor bastard...”
Smith than shifted to looking as chipper as ever
“So anyway, I doubt the Noradons had anything to do with the hacking, I mean there's no such thing as Noradons' organized crime after all”
****************************** Late at night, in the middle of the workers district of the Commonwealth Capital, a G00 unit wearing a brown trench coat and a black hat was slowly making her way to a bar.
She approached carefully, looking into every shadow and jumping at every noise, she had what looked like an Xmas gift in her hand.
The box was small and by the looks of it had been wrapped by a child... Or a really drunk adult.
She eventually gathered her courage and knocked on the bar's door, two fast knocks followed by two slower ones.
The door opened a tiny fraction, the “gift” was quickly exchanged for a grey bag of unknown content.
The G00 unit left, practically running.
Inside the bar the bouncer, a soldier Noradon, wearing a tuxedo and sunglasses made his way to the back.
He walked calmly, the sentients drinking and smoking paid him no attention besides the occasional nod, which he politely returned.
He entered the VIP room, Big Vinny, the proprietor of the establishment: the Carlito's Way, was sitting on his leather couch.
He was wearing a white suit with a matching ascot, a gold chain and a massive silver ring on his dorsal right hand.
Big Vinny was an engineering drone, smaller than the average Noradon to more easily get to tight places and with three digits per arm instead of claws to use precision tools.
Not that Big Vinny was small, he was overweight which to a Noradon with a perfectly genetically built gastric system was no small feat.
The bouncer, Tony, handed him the gift, bowed and left the room.
Vinny waited for Tony to leave before opening the package, inside was a box of chocolates, sixteen total.
He smiled
Best way to get a message without risk of it getting intercepted? Code it using foodstuffs.
He put the chocolates in order, the shapes symbolized the events taking place in the following days, the filling who would win and the individual wrapping's color the optimal spread.
He committed the information to memory and ate the evidence.
Taste like... Profits!
******************************** The Games had being a huge success so far, the Humans were leading by a razor thin margin.
The sabotage event was a surprise steal by the Imphlasms following the sudden rain that made Va'sh guards miss their approach until it was too late.
They than lost the retrieve and salvage mission to the Human team who won on a technicality
The Human field engineer was quoted saying:
“The rules said we had to get the ship back faster than the other team, never said nothing about it not exploding or having it's crew making it out alive”
Which was true, thou the rules would certainly see changes for the next Games.
This year marked the first time the War Games would shift from live exercises to holo-space recreations.
As such many more species joined this time around, most were out of the running by this time however.
The Humans lead by a single event, the Noradons were in second place, the Va'sh in third and the Impshlasms in fourth.
Today was the last four scheduled events: base defense, VIP assassination, survival on a Deathworld and the three-legged race, no one was certain how that last one ended up there...
The Noradons had pulled an upset on the base defense by outsmarting the human attackers, they used the molted exoskeleton of their soldier caste to have their engineers hold the front gate while the soldiers burrowed beneath the entrance and slaughtered the attackers in the resulting pitfall trap.
The VIP assassination had been won by the Va'sh, the human guards had a hard time pulling the trigger when they attacked and the Noradons and Imphlasm simply weren't fast enough.
Thou the moment a Human sniper managed to get his laser sight on the Va'sh VIP, which resulted in his guards accidentally mauling him to death, was considered a Pyrrhic victory.
Smith had been watching the whole thing from his now usual cafeteria table, not much to do when he had already spoken to anyone who allow him to get close to them.
I hope the others had better luck...
Lord Doros approached him and sat down
“I have managed to find no leads”
Smith didn't look at him, to anyone else watching, the Aaen had just whispered to himself.
Is the kitten doing okay?
Lord Doros: “He'll be out of med-bay in a day or so”
Smith gave a barely perceptible nod
G00.106 arrived at the table, she looked in a hurry
“I have a lead! What do you know of the Carlito's Way?”
Lord Doros and Smith looked at each-other nonplus
Smith adventured an answer
“... I don't like the ending I guess?”
G00.106 looked at him like he was an idiot
“What? No I'm talking about a bar in the Commonwealth Capital, Solenia”
She explained how one of her sisters from her hive back home contacted her, to let her know if she wanted in on a gambling scheme she was part of.
“I've made 4 times my initial bet so far!”
Was what she had told her.
G00.106: “My guess is that they're somehow behind the hacking, like the rain that costed the Va'sh the sabotage mission or the Humans weapon misfire when the Va'sh attacked their VIP”
Smith: “I don't think the weapons mis... Anyway, should we contact Lawless and check this bar out?”
Lord Doros: “Yes, this seems like a solid lead”
****************************** Smith, Lord Doros, G00.106 and Lawless made their way to the Carlito's Way.
Lawless insisted on joining the team, citing how as the referee of the Games it was her duty to see those who would defile it brought to justice, thou Smith thought the AI was probably just looking to get away from the incessant complaining from the coaches...
They found the bar with no issues, it had all the proper permits and all taxes were payed.
Lord Doros: “G00.106, you take point”
G00.106 hesitated
“Shouldn't Smith do it?”
Smith: “Normally yes, but you have an actual “in” with the crowd we are trying to infiltrate, I will enter with you as a friend looking to make some money, than”
He points at Lord Doros and Lawless
“They come in later as a couple looking for an out of the way place to have a quiet drink”
Lord Doros: “Anything goes wrong, we back you up”
Smith trying to be reassuring
“See, nothing to be worried about”
G00.106: “Right. Got it!”
She than kicks the door open and while holding her shortened carbine yells
“Nobody move! We know you're conducting illegal operations, you're all under arrest!!!”
Smith and Lord Doros thought at the same time
If we survive I'm killing her myself
Lawless grins, produces a kukri from under he coat and stands in front of G00.106.
The people at the bar barely seem to notice and quickly return to their drinks and talks.
Smith and Lord Doros reluctantly drew their pulse pistols, enter the bar and stood by their colleague.
Smith: “When we get back, if we get back, we need to talk about your infiltration skills”
G00.106: “Why?”
Before smith or Lord Doros could answer, or shoot her, the door in the back opens.
Big Vinny, with Tony in tow, appear.
Smith: What the Hell, a Noradon... Don!?
He seems very calm and he speaks softly as if to an old friend's kid he's trying to explain a complicated notion to.
“What, if may ask, is the reason for this loud and quite frankly disrespectful scene in this, my humble establishment?”
G00.106: “We know what you're doing and you're going to prison, if we don't kill you right now that is!”
Vinny undisturbed
“I find such a thing rather difficult without any evidence and for any threat against my person”
Vinny snaps his fingers
Half the bar draws weapons and Tony gets in front of his boss, the infiltration team is now outnumbered five to one
Vinny: “You will find it a... Difficult task”
Smith was curious, if he was going to die today he just had to ask
“Okay, what's with the outfit?”
Vinny, positively beaming
“You like it? I modelled it after Tony Montanas's suit in Scarface”
Smith, now less curious and more confused
“The movie?”
Vinny: “Yes, we like your “mafia”, quite a novel idea”
Lawless: “Yeah well, organize crime is nothing new and even if you get rid of us more will come”
Vinny: “Crime? What crime?”
G00.106: “You rigged the War Games and make bets on them, my sisters called me and told me all about it!”
Vinny got in front of Tony, he was frowning
“Did she tell you we were actually fixing the events?”
G00.106 seemed a lot less confident all of a sudden
“Well not in so many words, no”
The rest of the team looked at her and than at each-other
Vinny: “We have a group of ex-military professionals analyze the strategies of the teams and a Krush run the odds, than we place bets on events where the margin of error matches the betting spread”
Smith: “So you aren't the ones hacking the Games?”
Vinny genuinely surprised
“The Games are getting hacked!? Well, we have nothing to do with that, we're just honest mafiosy”
Smith still concerned and very aware of the multitude of guns pointed in their direction.
“You do know they're the bad guys right?”
Vinny: “Of course but that's because they break the law”
G00.106: “Ha! Like you don't”
Smith came to a horrible realization
“Lawless could you run a quick background check on the people here for outstanding warrants”
Lawless closed her eyes for a second, smiled awkwardly and sheathed her kukri.
“No criminal records, not even a ticket and they have permits for those guns”
Lord Doros: “It seems we made a mistake”
Vinny: “Quite so but don't worry, this was exhilarating! Rocco Two Hands had been itching for a reason to draw his guns”
Vinny waved at Rocco, who was standing behind Smith
Smith looked back expecting a Noradon with only two arms but what he saw was a Noradon drone with all of his arms and a backpack with another set of four mechanical ones allowing him to hold eight guns total, all aimed at his head.
Smith: “Rocco TWO hands?”
Vinny: “It's short for Two Sets of Hands, alright fellows put the hardware away, you're scaring the tourists”
At this the entire bar sat down and no one even looked at the four who now awkwardly sheathed and holstered weapons before leaving.
Vinny as he waves them good bye
“Arividerchi!”
The four walked in silence for a while until Lawless spoke
“This never happened, agreed?”
No one said anything, there was no need.
On the way back to Commonwealth Law Lord Doros got a message on his datapad
“We have a new mission”
****************************** Lawless was spectating the survival event of the games in the cafeteria.
We didn't find the culprits, we didn't even find how they did it... Thou given how they could have done much worse than add random shit I guess we should consider ourselves lucky.
A/O had joined the other VIPs, they were curious about how things would turn out.
He approached in his holographic avatar, a small crystal cube with a single leaf inside it.
“Greetings Lawless, are you enjoying the Games?”
Lawless: “Yes, kinda”
A/O: “Is there something not to your liking? I could modify the templates further”
Lawless stopped looking at the screen and turned to the floating cube
“I'm sorry, modify the templates further?”
The cube floated up and down, trying to imitate a nod
“Yes, we found the games too easy to predict, so we added semi-random events to make sure the Games remained interesting”
Lawless, was at a loss for words an entity that wanted to boil down all the universe to a single equation had somehow hacked into the Games to “spice things up”
She mulled over a few words, a couple of ideas and just... Gave up, they hadn't hurt anyone and at least they showed an interest. She resumed watching the screen.
“Just out of curiosity, are there any modifications to the current event?”
A/O: “Yes, in the next 12 seconds the tectonic plates where the teams are situated will begin to move”
Lawless: “An earthquake?”
A/O: “Correct”
Lawless: “... During the cooking portion of the event?”
A/O: “Is that a problem?”
Screaming and some really ingenious curses can be heard from the screen as holo projections of the teams catch fire, fall face first into their food or right into their makeshift cauldrons.
Lawless shrugs
“I guess not”
****************************** Captain Grace was on a mission, she was stalking a beautiful Va'sh, a white angora kitten wearing a butlers' outfit!
She applied some more scent blockers, checked her ceramic second skin under armor, activated noise cancellers on her boots and a camo-suit to become virtually undetectable.
The kitten took a turn into a cargo hold, she followed slowly and when she felt the Va'sh couldn't possibly dodge her, she jumped!
The hologram disappeared and the door locked behind her.
Before she could look behind, someone had put a bracelet on her right hand and in the time it took her to look at it an identical one was put on her left hand.
Grace: “What is the meaning of this!”
Smith and Lord Doros simply pointed up, to a viewing window
Grace looked up and paled, Admiral Alexis, Warlord M'r'm, Alisia Black, Lady EliIi, 3.14, Ambassador Paul and the Uv Ambassador were looking down at her.
Alexis: “Grace you have gone too far, consider this an intervention”
He pushed a button and the holographic butler kitten re-appeared.
Alexis: “This is a hard light construct of a real Va'sh, you have only one thing to do, pet the kitty”
Grace was scared but she acquiesced, not that she had a lot of choice...
All those watching winced
Lord Doros and Smith made it in time to catch the “petting”
Lord Doros: I heard the Human expression “there is more than one way to skin a cat”, I guess one of them is to let Captain Grace pet it...
After a couple of minutes Captain Grace stopped
“It's not the saMEEEEEE!”
An electric shock shot out from one bracelet to the other
Grace: “What the Hell was that!”
Admiral Alexis: “That was a mild shock, you will get hit by one every time you pet the Va'sh too hard”
Grace: “Mild shock!? Are you kidding me?”
Alexis, now looking quite angry
“No, this is no joke, now Pet. The. Kitty!”
A few hours and several thousand volts later
Captain Grace looked rough, her ponytail had come undone, actually quite a bit of her hair had curled and some of it was smoking.
She had a weird twitch on her left eye and as far as Admiral Alexis could tell she stopped blinking a while ago...
Alexis: “See, that wasn't so bad?”
Captain Grace in a monotone voice
“Yes, not so bad”
Warlord M'rm'n felt generous and removed his tricorne hat and offered his head to the Captain.
“Here”
Captain Grace hesitated but ultimately pet the Va'sh head, very gently
M'rm'n: “That was nice”
Captain Grace than began twitching uncontrollably and fell to the ground, hugging her knees
“pet the kitty, pet the kitty, pet the kitty...”
Everyone stared
Eventually Lady EliIi felt the need to say out loud what everyone was thinking
“We might have gone too far”
Warlord M'rm'n shrugged
“She got her hands on the Emperor nephew last week, the video of today's intervention should be enough for him to call the hit off”
Admiral Alexis looked at the Va'sh with a mixture of shock and anger
“You're kidding right?”
The Va'sh grinned and Admiral Alexis chose to assume it was a joke, Alisia Black knew better however...
Captain Grace spent a few days in the infirmary of her own ship and is now famous, rather than infamous, with Va'shs throughout known space!
The way she gives the softest pets and how she goes completely catatonic after has made her quite popular...

[A Fractured Song] - Book 2 Chapter 28 (92) - Fantasy, Isekai (Portal Fantasy), Adventure

Cover Art!
Story Summary: After years of beatings and neglect from her parents, 13-year old Frances was summoned with her entire class to the fantastical world of Durannon to fight the monsters invading the human kingdoms and defeat the "Demon King." If she succeeds, she might have the home she never had. But if she can't overcome the trauma and self-loathing inflicted on her by her abusive parents, Frances will die, and be summoned back to the home she escaped, on the day that she left.
Teaser: Let's say the Grand Army of Erlenberg isn't going to be a Grand Army for much longer.
[The Beginning] [<=Book 2 Chapter 27 (91)] [Chapter Index and Blurb] [[Book 2 Chapter 29 (93)=>]
Index of Windwhistler Family Members
Art of Frances's friends, Elizabeth, Martin, Ayax and Timur. Courtesy of RianneDraws :)
Fractured Song Discord Server so you can ask me questions and just hang with other fans. We have a meme channel. It has memes of the serial.
As part of their preparations, the Grand Army of Erlenberg had dug earthworks on both sides of the Silverstream River. Comprised of a thick earthen wall about the height of two humans, there were a total of six V-shaped earthworks, three on each side of the river bank with the tip pointed towards the north. Each earthwork was packed with musketeers, cannons and soldiers to defend them.
Frances and her company were, to their surprise, not on any one of those Earthworks. Instead, they’d been placed far on the left flank of the army, along with a mix of cavalry and infantry.
The cavalry stood in front of Frances and her company, who were all on foot. There were about a thousand riders armed with pistols and sabers. In front of the horsemen, with the teenagers and the convicts, were about five hundred musketeers.
Their commander, called Helena, didn’t even introduce herself to the teens. When the group and their soldiers arrived at their position, they were met with a messenger. In a crisp tone, and a slightly apologetic wince, he said, “You’re to follow my troops and shoot any enemy you see.”
“Is that it?” Elizabeth asked.
The messenger coughed, “Look, you’re not really part of our army and we appreciate the firepower, but our plan is to keep the orcs back with our musketfire.”
“Wait, what if their cavalry charges us?” Martin asked.
“You have pikes so you should be fine, and we have our own cavalry to skirmish with them. Look, you kids don’t have to worry. We’re ready for them.” With that the messenger rode off.
Frances briefly thought about what she’d been told and turned to Ginger.
“Ginger, how many battles have you been through?”
Scratching her hair, the convict frowned, “A lot. Um, I was fighting before the Otherworlders arrived. I also did some skirmishing at Meluthen. I was also at Westfall Pass and Kwent.”
Frances pursed her lips, and turning to her friends, pulled them into a huddle.
“You thinking what I’m thinking?” she whispered.
“That you have bad feeling about this and that you’re right? Yes,” said Ayax.
“Well, that and I’m also thinking of letting Ginger take command, or at least be our advisor,” said Frances.
Elizabeth nodded. “Probably a good idea to let her lead.”
“Not quite. She should advise. They are our company. If we let her command, they’ll question our authority and I really, really don’t want that to happen,” said Martin.
They all quickly agreed with the knight, broke the huddle and faced Ginger, Frances glanced at her friends, and realized they were all looking at her.
“Alright, we’d like you to advise on how to get through this,” said Frances.
Ginger blinked. “Me?” At Frances’s nod, Ginger squawked, “I’m a convict!”
“Ginger, we’ve commanded, and we’ve fought, but not in a major battle.” Frances looked the convict in the eye. “Do you think right now that we can hold against a cavalry charge?”
“No. This whole section of the line is going to break,” said Ginger.
“Then what do you think we should do?” Elizabeth asked.
The convict rolled her eyes. “Run.”
“Not an option, we have orders,” said Martin, arms crossed. “Besides, we can’t run when our own horsemen are behind us.”
Ginger eyed the horsemen and sighed. “Fuck. Well we’ll have to fight our way out of it after we hold their charge with our pikes.”
“If we stay close, hold a square formation with pikes on the outside, maybe we can withdraw to the earthworks?” Elizabeth suggested.
The convict nodded. “That’s probably our best bet, but I wouldn’t even think about going to the earthworks. We need to just head for the woods.”
Ayax hissed, “We’d be abandoning our army—”
“Twelve thousand untested, unblooded troops against fifteen thousand of Antipades’s veterans? We don’t stand a chance,” Ginger snapped.
“We’ll stand a better chance if we stick to our friendly forces, though,” Elizabeth argued.
“Let’s see how the army is doing first, before we decide where to withdraw,” said Martin in a calm voice.
Frances swallowed. Her instincts were screaming at her to just lead her soldiers away, but that just wasn’t an option.
No, they had to fight this battle, a battle they had no say or control over. One they had a good chance of losing.
“I think we should examine how the situation develops,” said Frances. She took a deep breath. “We do have a duty and we should try to do it, but if the situation looks hopeless, we’ll withdraw.”
There were nods at that, though, nobody was completely happy, least of all Frances herself. She had no idea if she had just condemned herself, her friends and her soldiers to die.
They stood, or sat, in formation for what seemed like forever, though, Frances could tell by the sun’s movement that it’d been only about two hours. It was still morning, though the sun was much higher now.
Given how wet the ground was thanks to the spring rains, there weren’t any dust clouds. However, nobody could miss the mass of soldiers approaching them. Weapons glinted in the sunlight. Hooves and feet stomped on the ground. They were clearly closing for battle.
Frances watched the approaching force with a spyglass that Edana had given her for a present. The attackers facing her were mostly infantry. They included: goblin light skirmishers with small muskets and crossbows, goblin wolfrider packs, a few groups of orcs and trolls.
As they continued to march toward them, the Erlenberg cannon started to fire. Huge gouges were suddenly carved into the ranks of the enemy army as the Erlenberg cannon skipped their shot across the wet ground. Frances could hear the ships off the coast also opening up.
She turned her spyglass across the battlefield to the other side of the river and blinked.
The Alavari were charging. Orc boar cavalry, goblin wolfriders, centaurs with lances and carbines, raced across the field. There were undoubtedly infantry following them.
Somehow, they continued to charge, even as Erlenberg cannon cut down bloody gashes in their formation, but they only hit from one direction. Was the fleet not firing?
A closer look with her spyglass revealed what was going on. Thick, grey smoke, magical or artificial in nature was rising along the far eastern edge of the coast. It was so thick it seemed to obscure the sight of the ships at sea.
Frances turned her attention back to the enemies in front of her, and found that they weren’t advancing any longer. They’d stopped, and were lying down, just out of effective bullet range. Moreover, now that they were lying down, Frances could see that there weren’t a lot of Alavari facing them.
It came together all at once.
“They’re going for an all-out attack on the right side!” Elizabeth gasped.
“Now can we run?” Ginger asked.
“We have to go to them,” Martin said.
“Wait!” Frances grabbed Martin and Elizabeth’s shoulders. “I don’t think we can change this! We’ll just get killed.”
Martin shook his head. “Frances, you don’t know that. We need to try—”
“Hate to break it to you, but she’s right,” said Ginger, pointing at the other side of the river.
The Erlenberg line was spitting musketballs, and hundreds of Alavari riders were dead. And yet, the charge didn’t stop. A wave of panic spread through the Erlenberg line as the Alavari army, moving like one great beast, cut into their foes. They clawed through the lines of footsoldiers and musketeers, cutting down fleeing troops. Some squads and companies tried to rally around flags and standards, but the orc war pigs and centaurs surrounded them, and crushed them beneath their hooves. Meanwhile, as harpies harassed the gunners firing from the earthworks, goblins and trolls scaled the fortifications, leaping onto the platforms and attacking the soldiers manning them.
Tearing her eyes from the scene, Frances could see the other soldiers' shock, could see her own convict soldiers nervously backing glancing at each other.
The horsemen behind them? They were running, riding away toward the direction of Erlenberg. Small squads at first, and then full companies. Frances could see officers shouting at their soldiers, but they weren’t being listened to.
“Where’s the general?” Martin asked. Frances couldn’t see the general’s standard. It should have emblazoned the Erlenberg coat of arms, a city surrounded by ocean. Only, that standard was fleeing, with the cavalry.
Elizabeth stammered, “They’re abandoning us.”
Frances grimaced. “Withdraw to the camp! Everybody together!”
The camp on the left side of the river was chaos. Alavari and humans were grabbing food, supplies, anything really. Frances, her friends, and their company only just managed to get out of the mess thanks to having packed their supplies into two large wagons.
“How long until we get to Erlenberg?” Ginger asked.
“Five days. Assuming we can outrun their cavalry,” Martin muttered, panting heavily. The teens all had horses, but they didn’t want to exhaust their animals. Not unless they got into trouble.
That and Frances and Elizabeth had hitched their horses to the wagons they’d borrowed. Every convict-soldier carried food, but the wagons carried the rest of their supplies and more importantly, ammunition.
“Elizabeth, you and Martin were studying the maps. Do you think we can outrun their cavalry?” Frances asked.
Elizabeth and Martin exchanged glances, before Martin said, “If we get to the forest tonight, we might stand a chance. They’ll have to sleep too.”
“Tomorrow, we should try to rally as many soldiers as we can and try to make a stand there, slow them down a bit,” said Elizabeth.
“Wait, slow them down? How are we going to do that?” Frances asked.
“Guerilla tactics. We hit, and disappear back in the forest,” Elizabeth explained.
“They outnumber us, though, Elizabeth,” said Frances.
Martin looked back from where he was marching. “We need to do something. They will reach the walls of Erlenberg and they will not hold. I know you want everybody to stay safe, but if we retreat now the fighting will move into the city.”
“I understand but…” Frances thought about the decision, tried to think through the possibilities, but honestly she had no idea how to act, and what to do in this situation. “Ayax, what do you think?”
“I have even less combat experience than you three. So I think we should ask the professional here,” said Ayax, thumbing at Ginger.
The convict seemed to panic for a second, before swallowing. “Um, yeah about that. I’d run for the city, but… if you really want to fight, I’d rather fight in a forest than at the city. City-fighting is brutal.”
“Forest it is then,” said Elizabeth. Martin nodded after her, and was followed slowly after by Frances and Ayax.
Ginger watched this and frowned. Coughing, she walked ahead of the teens and turned around.
“Holdup, who here is actually in charge? I thought it was you who was in charge,” said Ginger, pointing at Frances.
“Me? Oh no. I… I’m not in charge. We… we make decisions together,” Frances squeaked, waving her arms.
“Well, we do agree with you a lot, cuz, but that’s because you tend to have a pretty good head on your shoulders,” said Ayax.
“Except you seem to trust… Elizabeth and Martin right?—Yeah, you trust them with military stuff. So who will be making the call in battle?”
“Elizabeth,” said Frances and Ayax.
“Frances,” said Elizabeth and Martin. The four stared at each other as they realized what they all had said.
“Elizabeth, you are good at leading troops. I saw you at Freeburg, you had everybody rallied to you and following your lead,” said Frances.
Elizabeth shook her head. “But you came up with the plan, and I’m the youngest of everybody here! You come up with all of our plans!”
“Yes, but you lead us through them, Elizabeth,” said Frances.
Martin nodded. “Actually Frances is right. I think it should be Elizabeth too.”
“Wait seriously?” Elizabeth stammered. The only reply she got was a bunch of nods.
“So that’s decided. Elizabeth has final say then,” said Ginger. “What are your orders?”
Elizabeth took a moment to brush her hair out of her eyes, and stand straighter.
“Get to the trees. We’ll find as many people as we can and rally them to our cause. Then we’ll delay the Alavari army as long as we can.”
“Aye,” said Frances, gently clasping and squeezing her friend’s shoulder.
The company had just reached the edge of the Pinewoods when Frances felt her hand mirror vibrate. Reaching into her belt, she pulled out the mirror to find the face of her Grandmother staring back at her.
“Oh Gods of Sea and Sand, Frances, you’re alive. Where’s Ayax and your friends?” Eleanor stammered.
“We’re all alive. We’re going to the Pinewoods. We’re going to try to slow them down as much as possible.
“How many do you have?” Eleanor asked.
“A company, but we think we can gather more soldiers and use the Pinewoods to our advantage. Grandma, you need to reinforce the city’s defenses and evacuate the civilians. General Antigones is on his way to the city.”
“I’ll do that. But please, in the meantime, stay safe.” Eleanor pursed her lips. “Call you mother. You need to let her know. You know…”
“I will.” Frances glanced ahead at the treeline. “When I get the chance. Thanks, Grandma.”
“Good luck, Frances.”
The Pinewoods existed in Erlenberg for one reason and one reason only, to provide a ready supply of ship-quality woods for the repair of Erlenberg’s many ships. This was why the majority of the woods were the eponymous pine, firs, oak and teak.
So unlike a typical forest, where the ground is bumpy and curled with tree roots and boulders, where bushes grow at the foot of trees and smaller shrubs and fallen trees split the undergrowth, and where squirrels, birds and all manner of animals frolic, the Pinewoods were… different.
The best way Frances could describe it was that there was a kind of ‘fake’ feeling to the woods. She remembered being in Leipmont’s forests and to a national park in one of her school trips. The woods here seemed more open, with very clear paths running between clumps of trees. The sound of animal life wasn’t there and there were places where she could see quite far into the forest. This was because the trees were all the same size and type and all planted with fairly uniform spacing.
They also weren’t alone. The first night they were in the forest, Frances had been on guard with their sentries, and several squads of soldiers joined them, drawn by their campfires.
The next day, as they marched deeper in, they ran into more hungry and tired soldiers. Most only had their weapons and the clothes on their back. Some didn’t even have that. They didn’t care that they were agreeing to follow a bunch of teens leading a group of convicts, they just wanted to be safe and fed.
By mid-afternoon, their company had tripled in size to a force of over three hundred as they had picked up a group of musketeers who’d fled, along with another group of footsoldiers. The teens had enough soldiers to send a scouting party to find a fjord so they could get across the river.
Frances was leading this scouting party of ten foot soldiers along the riverbank, with Ayax bringing up the rear. Martin and Elizabeth had told them that there was a bridge ahead they needed to secure.
As they approached the bridge, Frances’s eyes scanned the surroundings. The bridge itself was a sturdy structure of stone, with low, interspersed columns, carrying the arched structure over the wide river. It had no railings, and divots in the stonework showed its frequent use.
Taking a deep breath, Frances signalled for her squad to halt, pushed magic into her barding and ran across.
Nobody shot at her, nobody showed themselves. She reached the other side without harassment. Even after a brief lookaround, she couldn’t find anybody else. Seeing the area was clear, she signalled the rest of her squad to come.
“Stay alert and set up a perimeter. Can one of you go back and tell Elizabeth to bring the rest of our troops up?” Frances asked.
“Aye ma’am,” said one of the convict soldiers, a lithe girl who couldn’t have been more than Frances’s age.
“Just Frances, thank you.” She peered back into the forest, crouching low close to a tree, watching the silent forest.
“Ma’am—Frances, is it true you’re an Otherworlder?” asked one of the convicts, a grizzled, muscular man in an awkward fitting helmet.
“Yes. Though, some of us like to call ourselves, the Displaced,” Frances explained.
“Is it true that your world has flying machines and not a single Alavari? That even poor people own two story houses?” he asked.
“Yes. Though, we do have… less fortunate people in our world.” Frances smiled. “What’s your name.” “Gareth. Used to be a farm hand. You know, times got tough, debts piled up,” he sighed. “Don’t have a home to go back to, unlike you, but at least my family’s safe.”
Frances winced. “Durannon is my home. I’m one of those… less fortunate Otherworlders.” She glanced back at the forest and narrowed her eyes. “Look sharp. Someone’s approaching. Hold your fire.”
The squad pressed against the trees, peering at the approaching figures.
There were Alavari and humans, about twenty. All of them were out of breath, crashing through the woods on horses so tired they were foaming at the mouth. They were heading right toward them and were nearing their position.
Frances stepped out, her wand raised. “Are you of Erlenberg?”
The riders yanked on their reigns, staring at her. “Yeah. Who—the hell are you?” one asked.
“Frances Windwhistler, Otherworlder mage,” said Frances.
“Well mage or not we need to get away. We’re being pursued by goblin wolf-riders,”
“How many?” Frances asked.
“Fifty. So unless—”
“Gareth! Tell Elizabeth that the bridge is going to be contested by fifty wolf-riders and I need reinforcements!” Frances turned to the riders. “We have three companies heading this way. Were there any behind them?”
The riders blinked and shook their heads. “No-"
“Then dismount and get your carbines ready. We’re going to hold the bridge until our allies arrive," said Frances.
Ayax smirked. “Or you can run like you did a few days ago.”
The riders flinched and dismounted, taking positions alongside the rest of the squad.
Frances pulled Ayax aside. “Ayax can I ask you something?”
“Too on the nose?” the troll asked.
Frances blinked, realized her cousin was talking about her comment and shook her head. “No, I think you were right. If you went further I would have been worried. What I wanted to ask you about was if you have any spells that affect a large area?”
“None, but I can fire a pretty good bolt of magic,” said Ayax.
“Alright. Everybody, fire at will, but pick your shots! Save your ammunition.” Frances pulled out her spyglass and scanned the tree.
Then she saw it, wolves bounding over the undergrowth, weaving between trees.
Goblin wolf-riders were amazingly mobile scout cavalry. Armed with shortbows, but also increasingly pistols, Frances knew they’d have to get very close to get their shots off. What they relied on were numbers and psychology.
It was rather terrifying when an unnaturally large wolf charges toward you after all, especially when they are carrying a rider.
Frances however, planned to turn the tables. Ivy’s Sting in hand, she began to sing.
Ayax glanced at her cousin as she recognized the aria. As it always was, there was a primal quality to it. It was hard to pin down why. If she had to say, though, Edana’s song sounded a lot like a shriek, a banshee or ghost venting its anger. Frances’s aria however, was somehow more delicate, reedier and almost mournful, as if the notes she chose would never be resolved.
Until the last chord, followed by a thunderous crack that blinded the soldiers. Ayax blinked away spots to see the wolf riders in disarray, their mounts cowering, fleeing in all directions, out of control.
“Fire!” Ayax bellowed, she threw her first spell, smashing a goblin into a tree with a sickening thud. The convict soldiers and the cavalry added their own fire, and the quiet forest became split with the crack of muskets.
In the forefront stood Frances, throwing rocks at the goblins with force enough to split armor, sending bolts of fire that made wolves howl. Soon, the goblin riders fled, much of their number down and groaning.
“By Amura and Rathon, we won!” gasped a convict-soldier.
“Ahahah look at them run!” exclaimed a troll rider.
Frances took a quick sip from her hip flask. “Reload and ready for a counterattack. Keep your eyes peeled. Does anybody see our reinforcements?”
“We’re here!” Elizabeth yelled, at the head of a marching column of soldiers. She rode across the bridge, dismounted and blinked. “Oh? You ran into some friendly cavalry.”
“Survivors from the first day. How many did you bring?” Frances asked.
“One company. The rest are bringing up our supplies. They’ll be here in ten minutes. The horses can’t go any faster than that,” Elizabeth swallowed. “We have a problem, though. We saw some troll and orc foot scouts. So we don’t know how many we are being pursued by.”
“You said you fought about fifty wolf riders?” Ginger asked, jogging up to them.
“Yeah, why?” Frances asked.
Ginger grimaced. “There may be more behind them. Goblin wolf-riders are great scouts but they wouldn’t have attacked unless they knew they had serious back up. We’re talking about orcs on war pigs or even a full regiment of foot soldiers with archers and musketeers.”
Frances winced. “So we need to decide if we want to hold the bridge so we can cross it or retreat and keep on the west bank of the river.”
Elizabeth pursed her lips. “We hold the bridge. It’s only ten minutes and we need to get to the west bank.” She glanced at Ginger, “You don’t agree. Why?”
Ginger stiffened and her eyes narrowed. “Look. I get that we need to get to the west bank, but we don’t want a fight. We can fight, but we really don’t want to get into one.”
Elizabeth shook her head. “You’re right, but Erlenberg’s west side faces the Silverstream and is defensible. They don’t need us there. However, Erlenberg’s north doesn’t even have a moat. We need to slow them down from reaching there.”
“Elizabeth, you’re right, but we have enemy forces behind us too. What if we get sandwiched between the two?” Frances asked.
Elizabeth frowned, “Ayax?”
The troll swallowed, tail swishing back and forth. Looking Elizabeth in the eye, she said, “Liz, I don’t know. Just do what you think is best. I trust you.”
Elizabeth blinked, and stared at Ayax for a second, unmoving, until the troll broke contact, looking away.
“Thanks, Ayax.” Elizabeth closed her eyes. “Here’s what we’ll do.”

Author's note: So I will be taking a break from updates on Thursday this week as I am coughing a storm and he also used the entire weekend working on an important job application instead of writing. Hopefully, it's not the-you-know-what, but I am hanging in there quite alright and I'm off work until Friday. I wrote a short character sketch below to make it up and I am thinking of making a lore-update to flesh out a few things about Erlenberg I wasn't able to earlier.
Question of the update: What's the worst thing you've ever tasted that wasn't actual feces (so it was food that was prepared and so Chinese herbal medicine doesn't count)?
So if the question wasn't a hint, I'm Asian. Specifically Chinese, though, I actually live in Canada so I'm apparently Chinese diaspora? Whatever the term is I consider myself Chinese-Canadian. My mom however has a habit of making these Chinese soups that... I just don't like. She's an amazing cook, but she tends to put herbs in the soup and yeesh, never like em, still don't, still have to drink them.
Character answers:
Frances: ... If... if we're excluding the times I was trash-hunting, and if my biological mother and Dan weren't making me eat scraps.... then I think the worst thing I've ever had was mom's first attempt at poutine.
Elizabeth: Edana's bad at cooking?
Frances: No! She's not bad at cooking, but the dish is from our world and well, you know how easily people in Durannon can mess up fries.
Martin: Ohhhhh yeah I remember that. You took two days to drill my cooks to make good fries. (See chapter 63).
Frances: blushes Oh yeah I did...
Ginger: Fries?
Ayax: I'll remind cuz to make you some. They're really good.
Elizabeth: Anyway, so I'm allergic to almonds, but I didn't know that I was for the longest time. When II was a kid, I tried this dish called um... I don't know it's a Chinese dish with almond tea and well, after I drank it, I started choking. I remember it was good, but um... yeah. Can't look at almonds the same way again.
Martin: shivers. My mom's... that is my Countess mom, is really really bad at cooking. She's so bad that we tried one of her pies and we very nearly broke our teeth on it. I felt really bad for her. She's really good at most things, but cooking is just not her strong suit.
Ayax: How did you nearly break your teeth on a pie?
Martin: I don't know! She added something into it that turned it into like... this hard thing.
Ayax: Snaps her fingers. OHHHH she made flour ornaments. She must have forgotten the butter and added like salt to it and then when she baked it so it turned hard.
Frances: Mile long stare at Martin, But... but how do you forget butter in a pie crust and add salt... I ...how?
Ayax: laughs I think the worst thing I've eaten was my adoptive little brother Benjamin's first attempt at cookies. Um.... let's just say... he didn't cook them very well, and thought um... thought that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NOT ENOUGH SUGAR! Now... I have a sweet tooth like any other, but that... I think Edana could set these cookies on fire there was so much sugar in them.
Martin and Elizabeth laugh whilst Frances giggles and Ayax beams proudly. Ginger sitting there looking a little lost.
Right that's the character sketch, enjoy everybody!

what types of bets are there in horse racing video

Bets on horse racing have a rich tradition in the sports world, so it's important to know about it before wagering, particularly on the biggest events.. There are a myriad of horse bets you'll need to know. If you ever look up at one of the Triple Crown races and are confused by the graphics that flash across the screen once the race is finished, this is the place for you to discover what First of all, there are broadly two different types of racing. Throughout the year, punters can bet on either flat racing or National Hunt racing. Flat racing is perhaps the most straightforward, with horses starting in stalls, running either in a straight line or around a curved track, and then finishing at the post. In sports betting, specifically in horse race betting, there are three common types of bets that one can place – bet to win, bet to show, and bet to place. Exacta/Perfecta/Exactor – One of the simplest single types of horse racing bets is the exotic wager. The Perfecta is the combination of predicting the winning pony and the second place pony, in order. The proceeds are higher than wagering either of the ponies to win or place betting options. The most common horse racing betting type is the single bet. The single bet can be placed to win the race or an each-way – where you can receive returns for grabbing a place. The number of places paid in an each-way bet is determined by the size of the field, find out more about each-way bets. Horse racing offers a plethora of different types of bet, ranging from the simple to the fiercely complex. The simplest bet is a straight win single, where you place a bet on a horse to finish first in a race; if it does, you win and, if not, you lose. A Lucky 15 is a popular type of bet for horse racing. Four selections combine for all singles and multiples possible. Lucky 31 The Lucky 31 is a version of the Canadian (Super Yankee) with the singles also included in the bet along with the multiples. A single bet is simply selecting one single horse in one single race – the most simple of bets. There are two main types of single bets: a win bet and an each-way bet. A win bet does what it says on the tin: you need your horse to win the race to gain a return. For example, if I bet £5 to win on a horse at 7/1, I need it to pass the post first to get my return of £35. It is pretty easy to understand straight bets. There are only three types: win, place, and show. Win Bets. A win bet means exactly what you think. Simply put, you must select the horse that crosses the finish line first in order to cash a ticket. Place Bets. Place bets require your horse to finish either first or second. Show Bets. A show bet is when your horse finishes in first, second, or third. The Heinz bet is a six-selection bet consisting of 57 bets: 15 doubles, 20 trebles, 15 fourfolds, six fivefolds and a one sixfold accumulator. Aptly named after the 57 ‘varieties’ company slogan from Heinz, this 57 bet wager is a unique bet that combines every permutation of the 6 selections into one single wager.

what types of bets are there in horse racing top

Funniest Horse Act Ever! Tommie Turvey and Pokerjoe ...

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what types of bets are there in horse racing

what types of bets are there in horse racing - win

My city has been cut off from the world and overrun with monsters. I have a set of rules to stay alive. Ignoring Rule #5 and being a raging dumbass almost got me killed. Like, more than usual