Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

My players are going to be visiting the palace of a demon lord of pleasure who's more CN than CE. I want to show that despite his title, he represents all forms of pleasure and good feelings, not just sex. Also space in his realm doesn't work the same way as it does in the mortal plane. He essentially has an infinite amount of space to work with and can customize it as he pleases, so there are no size constraints.

1. A casino to feel the thrill of gambling.
2. A dining hall with an endless buffet that visitors are allowed to eat as much as they wish.
3. An idyllic beach with perfectly white sand to relax or play on.
4. An arena where gladiators brawl it out against each other. The point of it isn't to kill each other as much as make the battles look stunning to the audience.
5. A hotel with the most comfortable beds possible. Here anyone with enough money can enjoy a good rest after all the excitement.
6. A beautiful and well tended garden filled with aromatic flowers and sweet fruits.
7. A vineyard where exquisitely-aged wine can be produced just by pressing the grapes. (u/_SovietMudkip_)
8. A petting zoo full of the babies of dangerous creatures. (u/_SovietMudkip_)
9. An opulent concert hall where the best musicians of the realms perform (u/_SovietMudkip_)
10. A small, cozy looking wooden library, with a cushioned bay window where rain gently scatters against the glass and a cup of some hot liquid gently rising with steam. (u/QuietOracle)
11. An owl-bear hugging zoo. Go to sleep in the embrace of their soft down. (u/QuietOracle)
12. The room of sensory experiences. The room itself is fairly plain, with the main feature being long tables running the length of the room. On closer inspection there are fist-sized carved holes, each one holding a small round crystal... (u/QuietOracle)
13. A room with dozens of sacks filled with beans, lentils and grains where visitors can put their hands in and let the contents run through their fingers. (u/_WhiteCubeCat_)
14. A hag (or any other long nailed creature) giving visitors a scalp massage. (u/_WhiteCubeCat_)
15. A museum of little-known or long-forgotten art pieces, sculptures, and history. (u/MoonlightMancer)
16. A festival full of colors, music, and drinks. Everyone seems to love you, and you can’t stop laughing. (u/MoonlightMancer)
17. A hallway of endless doors. In each room is someone you know, complimenting you endlessly, sharing every positive, even begrudgingly jealous thought they ever had about you. (u/MoonlightMancer)
18. A room full of bubble wrap. (u/EmmaDrake)
19. A hot spring/spa, with fluffy towels, those showers that are like rain with perfect water pressure, mud baths, and refreshing food and drink. (u/lionesslindsey)
20. A room full of people that constantly give you validation and laugh at all your jokes. (u/CountryJeff)
21. Never-ending line of gold chalices, crystal vases, silver artwork, and other valuables. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
22. People who are “better” than you are marched in a stripped of their superior qualities. Beautiful people are disfigured and turned ugly. Wealthy powerful people are ruined and made to beg you for pennies. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
23. Mass groups of people enter the room and tell you how they admire you and how wonderful you are. They stroke your ego and inflate your pride. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
24. Servants do everything for you. Feed you, give you drinks, wash you, wipe your arse, etc. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
25. You are given a wickedly barbed leather whip. A slave creature is bound to a post and you can whip this creature to inflict your wrath upon them as much as you desire. If the poor soul dies, another is brought in to replace them. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
26. 'Knight for a day'. The full experience; lance, shiny outfit, a squire, a trusty stead, a dragon and a princess/prince to rescue. (u/mr_earthman)
27. The magical equivalent of a holo deck (u/cyber-viper)
28. Wide, flat plain with the fastest vehicles in the multiverse (a good place to use the Avernus vehicles) (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
29. A selection of cities and villages for you to destroy with war machines or your own magic. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
30. A collection of wand that allow you to test out powerful magic. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
31. A magical version of a movie theatre, allowing you to watch all manner of stories, true and legendary. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
32. A moderately large pool where small battleships with tiny animated crewmen can be deployed in teams to shell and board each other for the audience's amusement. Honored guests can put their strategic abilities to a test against other players by directly giving orders to their ships, and in certain hours guests may even swim in the pool to live out the power fantasy of being a sea monster. (u/VIixIXine)
33. A colorizer-device that transforms any clothes/armoweapons/other gear to any desired hue you wish (as long as it doesn’t affect the workings of the gear) (u/PaigeOrion)
34. A grand screen, showing a nearly infinite number of (screen)plays from all space and time, including the show with the disgraced human paladin delivering a green baby gnome back to his home land through incredible odds. (u/PaigeOrion)
35. A tiara that allows you to experience the sensory experience of a black cat as long as you wear it and close your eyes. (u/PaigeOrion)
36. A plethora of small, multicolored blocks that will magically interlock with one another to render almost any architectural structure imaginable. (But don’t step on them barefoot!) (u/PaigeOrion)
37. A band of musicians who are the perfect musical backup for any performances. Alone, they are more low key, but no less skilled, playing haunting melodies of unknown origin. (u/PaigeOrion)
38. A massive walk-in closet where you can try in any clothes in any fashion you like. (u/Tezla44)
39. A "schadenfreude" theatre, with shows that rely on slapstick and cringe comedy. (u/Martinus_XIV)
40. A REALLY good chocolate fountain (u/BrokenBanette)
41. A room designed to give you closure. When you enter this room, someone you loved and lost is there, sitting in a couch. The room feels vaguely familiar, but you can't place why. If Detect Magic is used, the room is full of magic (divination, transmutation, illusion) but the person seems like a normal person. You can chat with them for as long as you like. They behave just as you remember them, with the good and the bad. (u/ohsurenerd)
42. A theatre performing the most magnificent tragedies. When you watch the performance, you find yourself completely enraptured: you cheer when things go right, scream when something terrifying happens, and moan and weep at the inevitable horrible ending. When you leave, it feels like removing a backpack full of lead that you'd been carrying for so long you'd forgotten it was there. (u/ohsurenerd)
43. A room where there's a button, there's someone outside and it explains that if you enter there's a 50/50 chance of you dying or not, the room won't actually kill you and it's there just to make you feel the pleasure of near death experience. (u/SupremeGodDictator)
44. A massage parlor with the universes best staff pampering your every need as you receive the most relaxing massage of your life whether it be scalp, back, foot, full body, etc. Has the worlds fluffiest towels and robes to luxuriate in while you wait or if you simply want to sit in a comfy chair and enjoy your ache free muscles. (u/Blue_Mando)
45. An arena where you and your opponents heal near instantly, and you can fight endlessly (u/ellen-the-educator)
46. A reenactment of your greatest failures in life, but this time they turn into your greatest achievements. (u/CountryJeff)
47. A room with the world's finest works of art.... and a myriad of implements you can use to destroy them. (u/redrosebeetle)
48. A torture chamber with mages on hand to create illusions of the people you wish to torture. Or increasingly realistic versions of them, depending on the level of magic you wish to implement. (u/redrosebeetle)
49. A room full of gold and jewels you can roll around in, ala Scrooge McDuck. But woe betide anyone who tries to take a souvenir.... (u/redrosebeetle)
50. As you're walking through the gardens, a person comes up to you. They introduce themselves as an adventurer who's also here on a quest. They seem to be the same class as you, and they're incredibly attractive-- almost exactly your type. You immediately click and end up spending the day together, talking about everything and anything. You tell them things you've never told anyone else before. They understand everything you tell them, almost innately, but they're still impressed by your feats and your stories. The two of you find an empty bedroom and close the door behind you. It's perfect in its imperfections. In the morning they're gone. No matter where you look, you can't find them. (u/ohsurenerd)
51. A room lined with shelves and shelves of bottles and vials containing a crimson liquid flowing slowly (like a syrup), all with small labels on them. As you inspect the labels, you realize they've all got names on them: famous adventurers, kings and queens, great sages. If you drink one, you experience a selection of their memories as they experienced them: battles won, discoveries made, historical alliances and friendships being forged or broken... (u/ohsurenerd)
52. A room that turns anyone that enters it into a child. It is full of every toy imaginable (u/arual_x)
53. A tour of a chocolate factory. Kobolds work there, and the owner, who gives the tour, is a Metallic Dragon in Humanoid form. (u/arual_x)
54. A fortune teller who has a Deck of Many Things with only the good cards. If you in any way offend them, they will sleight of hand vs perception check slip you a bad card instead. (u/arual_x)
55. An island theme park of reanimated dinosaurs. The owner is a level 20 Necromancer called Hamm Johnand. (u/arual_x)
56. A Virtual Reality style game that allows you to battle horrible monsters over and over again without risk of injury physical. But still allows you to gain XP... (u/arual_x)
57. A perfect expanse of thick snowy ground. There is constantly a snowball fight going on. (u/arual_x)
58. A giant room full of mattresses where everyone immediately gets a wonderful massage. (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
59. A room where you get to torture all of your worst enemies (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
60. A room where people applaud you, give you a trophy, etc (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
61. A room where you get something that was denied to you (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
62. A room full of gold and exquisite things, from beautiful furniture to magic weapons (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
63. A seemingly endless room where adventurers can drink a potion to grow wings and flit about to their hearts' delight (u/iriedashur)
64. An ordinary classroom containing the adventurer's childhood friends, enemies, and their most hated teacher. Upon entering the room, the adventurer discovers that they are invisible, and free to pull pranks as they wish (u/iriedashur)
65. A brightly colored room piled high with wrapped gifts, large and small, for the adventurers to open endlessly (u/iriedashur)
66. A purple and black dragon named Ace who cooks you garlic bread and cake. (u/sanorace)
67. A magic pair of goggles/glasses that simulate any “What if” question you pose to them. (u/lewiscann)
68. A magical weather room where you can ask for any weather for your pleasure (I love listening to rain) (u/lewiscann)
69. A room full of lounges with a floating slow burning piece of wood that warms the whole area, the piece of wood is so large you can see the flame spread through this piece of wood forever (u/lewiscann)
70. A room where you can bite your fingernails and they grow back instantly ( so you can bite them some more )(u/razenastie)
71. A room with incredibly weakened versions of powerful monsters. (u/Your_InsideMan)
72. A vast room on wooden sculptures, oil, and torches. (u/Your_InsideMan)
73. A zoo of sentient races (u/Paralytica)
74. A collection of legendary heroes magically transfixed in blocks of ice. (u/Paralytica)
75. Palanquin rentals (u/Paralytica)
76. A booth that will remake your face whilst in the palace (ostensibly to make you more beautiful but it could be used for anything) (u/Paralytica)
77. A magic chair that gives really good back massages (u/TenNinetythree)
78. A playground where the slides and carousels are for adults (u/TenNinetythree)
79. A room where you become a giant and can destroy cities and fortresses kaiju style. (u/Paralytica)
80. Drug Olympics. A room with every drug imaginable to try. Leaving the room cleanses you of their effects. (u/Skitsafrit)
81. No Pauses. A room that has the effect of making all conversations flow perfectly. No silence stretches too long, no one mishears you, and every topic segways perfectly into the next. (u/Skitsafrit)
82. Deprivation Room. The room is so absolutely featureless and quiet, that you can meditate magnitudes better here than anywhere else. (u/Skitsafrit)
83. A games room where you play against your perfect match (u/Nesurame)
84. Similar to the previous, a games room where you're matched against nothing but weaker opponents (u/Nesurame)
85. A smoky, dreamweed hookah lounge (u/reallyenjoyscarbs)
86. A heist simulator where you always get away with the big diamond, chest, etc (thrill of theft) (u/reallyenjoyscarbs)
87. A sauna room with a central pillar. Inside the pillar is a chamber containing a magic stone which can detect the exact temperature preferences of those inside, and making each person feel said preference. (u/TgagHammerstrike)
88. An oval-shaped room with countless glass lotion bottles, with each smelling better than the last. If you look for a specific scent (no matter how rare), you'll certainly find it with the help of a goblin near the back of the room. (u/TgagHammerstrike)
89. A room that consists of A bunch of mortals so utterly jaded from years of plesure seeking that they need the hardest of drugs and the wildest of sensations to feel anything,with lesser demons feeding on their pursuit of euphoria. Think the emperors children from warhammer 40k. (u/TgagHammerstrike)
90. A buffet of the lids of yogurt/pudding cups to lick. (u/Hunter37594)
91. An olfactory room that reads your memories and replicates smells that remind you of your most joyous moments. (u/lecorbusianus)
92. A wildlife reserve for Druids to find new and exotic wild shapes. (u/lecorbusianus)
93. A room with musical instruments that you're able to master immediately. (u/lecorbusianus)
94. Zero gravity obstacle course. (u/lecorbusianus)
95. A cooking class taught by a master chef that always seems to have enough time to guide you one-on-one. (u/lecorbusianus)
96. An enchanter who allows you to relieve the best moments of your life over and over again. (u/lecorbusianus)
97. An illusionary room that brings up past experiences and let’s you make different choices to fix mistakes or win arguments. (u/The_Rhibo)
98. A murder simulator to allow an individual to live out the fantasy of killing that special someone. (u/Brann_The_Kid)
99. A library full of blackmail and secret knowledge regarding historical and political figures. A conniving, plotting character’s dream! (u/MoonlightMancer)
100. A room where you can see colors that shouldn't exist. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
101. A room with a creature in a dark robe sitting at a table covered in maps and dice. He helps you play a strange game where you and your party make up characters that go on adventures while the robed creature acts as all of the other characters and determines new events. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
102. ...

Bundles take priority. I'd love to get rid of this stuff.
New Stuff
Made a pickup I'm pretty excited about, the previous owner kept everything in exceptionally nice condition, even kept all of the booklets (unfortunately none of the boxes though). In it:
• Nintendo DS Lite - Silver - terrific shape, hinge in tact, no visible scratches. Bottom screen has a protector on it, even. Includes the original stylus and GBA slot cover, as well as all of the original paperwork.
• GBA SP AGS-101 - Graphite, again, amazing condition. Includes the paperwork as well.
• DS games (admittedly tons of shovelware, loose, but have manuals/safety precautions booklets for most): Hasbro Family Game Night, TouchMaster 3; Travel Games for Dummies; The Biggest Loser; Deal or No Deal; Nancy Drew - The Deadly Secret of the Olde World Park; Slingo Quest; Big Brain Academy; Sonic Rush; Atv/Moster Trucks; Brain Age; Brain Age 2; Wordfish; Classic Games Junior; Margot's Bepuzzled!; Challenge ME Brain Puzzles
• GBA games (again, all loose but lots of manuals available): Classic NES Series: Dr. Mario; Donkey Kong Country 3; Metroid Fusion; Namco Museum; Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets; Monster Trucks/Quad Desert Fury; Finding Nemo; Spy Hunte Super Sprint; Kid's Cards; Tarzan: Return to the Jungle; Battleship/Clue/Risk; Shaun Palmer's Pro Snowboarder.
Nintendo Collectibles

Title	Condition	Notes
Paper Mario: The Origami King Origami Set	Sealed	They are these ones
Super Mario 3D All-Stars Poster Set	New	They are these ones
Super Mario Bros. 35th Anniversary Pin Set #1	Sealed	They are these ones
Super Mario Zipper Case	New	It's this one

Nintendo Switch

Title	Condition	Notes
Atelier Ryza: Ever Darkness & The Secret Hideout	Sealed	Picked up an extra copy to keep sealed during the recent restocks. Figure if someone else will open & play it, might be a good token to trade.
Ys VIII	Cart & Case Only	Adventurer's Edition, however it doesn't have any of the inserts. Just the case and the cartridge.

Nintendo Wii/U

Title	Condition	Notes
Console WiiU	Used	Black 32GB console. Very nice shape. Includes the OEM power supply & sensor bar, gamepad (in excellent condition -- no stylus or original charging brick, but it will come with a USB-to-gamepad cable. It doesn't work nearly as well at charging the gamepad, I'd recommend picking up an OEM charging brick/cradle if you don't already have one).
Console Wii RVL-101	Used	Black console. Later model that doesn't have GC controller ports or back compatibility. Comes with all OEM hookups. Tested & works great. I'm happy to softmod it too, if you'd like.
WiiMote	Accessory	3 OEM Wiimotes - 2 white (one original, one with Motion+ built in), and one black (has Motion+ built in). The two white Wiimotes have wrist straps, and each seems to have at least some minor little puppy bite marks (?). One of the white ones has a silicone sleeve, and the non-M+ one has a black silicone sleeve with the M+ adapter. They're all tested and work great.
Birthday Party Bash	Loose	Tested, reads at least past the title screen. Can't say I've done any more birthday party bashing after that.
Just Dance 3 (Wii)	CIB	Nice shape
Just Dance 4	CIB	Nice shape
Just Dance 2016	CIB	Nice shape

Nintendo (3)DS

Title	Condition	Notes
Console Black DS Lite	Used	Nice overall condition, bottom screen has some scratches that I've tried to capture in the pictures. Comes with OEM charger. Pics
Console Zelda Edition DS Lite	Refurbished	Nice overall condition, the top hinge was cracked so I had to replace the top housing, but everything else is original. I'll include the original top housing if you want it, too. Pics
Console Parts DS Lite	FPNW	This is a bag of leftovers from a couple of housing swaps. Bad top casings, cracked top LCD, broken power slider. Surprisingly, the other things all work great on one of them. Lots of decent parts to harvest. Battery, cartridge reader, metal hinge, bottom housing, bottom screen, etc. Pics. I also have the housing and buttons leftover from the other one I shell-swapped, it's black & blue. Ok condition overall.
Console Black DSi	Used	Nice condition, has CFW installed.
Action Replay Max DS	Loose	No cable included
ATV: Thunder Ridge Riders/Monster Trucks Mayhem	CIB	Dual-pack
Goosebumps: Horrorland	CIB	Nice condition
Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games	Loose	Tested & working
New Super Mario Bros	CIB	Nice condition Pics
Nintendogs: Best Friends	Loose	Tested & working
Scribblenauts	Loose	Tested & working
Spyro: The Eternal Night	Loose	Tested & working
Transformers: Autobots	Loose	Tested & working
Warioware D.I.Y.	Loose	Tested & working
Yoshi's Island DS	Loose	Poor condition but tested & working. Looks like a dog got to it at some point.

Nintendo Gamecube

Title	Condition	Notes
Console Black DOL-101	Used	A little bit dirty but I'll see if I can clean it up some. It's the early model with the digital AV out. Tested & works great. Comes with OEM hookups & a black OEM controller. Also has the original box with precautions booklet, although the box is a bit beat up.
Accessory Action Replay	Loose	No disc or cable
Avatar: The Last Airbender	CIB	Nice condition, tested & working
Extreme-G 3	CIB	Nice condition Pics
Hunter: The Reckoning	Loose	Tested & working
Legend of Zelda, The: Twilight Princess (FPNW)	CIB	It works in the 2 Wii’s I tried it in as well as 3/4 of my personal GameCube consoles. It seems like it has an issue that makes it need a stronger laser to read, but it’s not a lost cause.
Star Wars Rogue Leader: Rogue Squadron	CIB	Tested & working, nice shape.
Timesplitters 2	CIB	Tested & working

SNES

Title	Condition	Notes
Mario All Stars + Super Mario World	Loose	Top of label has a couple of peeled off parts, like someone took a fingernail to it at some point. Pics
Super Mario World	Loose	Tested & working

Game Boy

Title	Condition	Notes
Console GBA SP AGS-001	Loose	Red, tested & works great. Includes aftermarket charger.
Castlevania Adventure, The	Loose	Some tearing on the label. I can get pictures if needed. Tested & working.
Finding Nemo	Loose	Tested & working
Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories	Loose	Tested & working
Legend of Zelda, The: A Link to the Past/4 Swords Adventures	Loose	Tested & working
Namco Museum	Loose	Tested & working
Pac Man Special Color Edition	Includes cart, box, manual, and cardboard tray	Great shape (Game Boy Color)
Pokémon Emerald	CIB	Hard trade. Includes poster. Only looking to swap this toward similarly valued items. Pics here
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Red Rescue Team	Loose	Tested & working
Pokémon Pinball	Loose	Missing battery cover
Pokemon Red	Loose	Good condition with some label wear. Battery holds a save.
Power Rangers: Dino Thunder	Loose	Tested & working
Power Rangers: Wild Force	Loose	Tested & working
Sonic Advance 3	Loose	Tested & working
Spyro Orange: The Cortex Conspiracy	Loose	Tested & working
Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith	Loose	Tested & working
Super Mario Advance 2: Super Mario World	Loose	Tested & working
Super Mario Land	Loose	No label.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Radical Rescue	Loose	Nice shape. Tested & working.
Tetris	Loose	Nice shape. Tested & working.
Tom & Jerry: The Magic Ring	Loose	Tested & working
Tony Hawk: Pro Skater 2	Loose	Tested & working
Game Boy Carrying Cases	Accessory	I have a bunch of these. If you're interested, I can grab pics.

NES

Title	Condition	Notes
Bandai Golf: Challenge Pebble Beach	Loose	Tested & working
Big Bird's Hide & Speak	Loose	Tested & working
CONFLICT	Loose	Tested & working
Demon Sword	Loose	Tested & working
Fester's Quest	Loose	Tested & working
Ikari Warriors	Loose	Tested & working
Kid Kool	Loose	Tested & working
NARC	Loose	Tested & working
NES Play Action Football	Loose	Tested & working
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Arcade Game	Loose	Tested & working
Top Gun: Second Mission	Loose	Tested & working
WCW Wrestling	Loose	Tested & working

PlayStation PS4, PS3

Title	Condition	Notes
2 DualShock 3 controllers – Black and camo – PS3	Accessory	Both OEM, both work great.
Killzone 3 Rifle Peripheral - PS3/4	Accessory	Tested & working
PS Move Eye Camera - PS3	Accessory	Tested & working
PS Move Controller - PS3/4	Accessory	I have 1 of these available, no strap.
Just Dance 3 – PS3	CIB	Tested & working
MLB The Show '16 – PS3	CIB	Tested & working
Resident Evil 2 – PS4	NIB	New in plastic
Rocksmith (no guitar included) – PS3	CIB	Tested & working
The Outer Worlds – PS4	NIB	New in plastic
Tiger Woods PGA Tour '12 – PS3	CIB	Tested & working

Playstation Portable, Vita

Title	Condition	Notes
Console PSP 3000	Used	Tested & working. Now it has a new battery as well as battery cover on the back. It also includes a Sony M2 Duo adapter, and a 4GB M2 card. The screen has some scuffs on the left side, not visible while playing but they're definitely there. Also includes an aftermarket charger.
Blazing Souls – PSP	Loose	Tested & working
Coded Arms – PSP	CIB	Nice condition
Darkstalkers Chronicle – PSP	Loose	Tested & working
Disgaea Infinite – PSP	Loose	Tested & working
God of War: Chains of Olympus – PSP	Loose	Tested & working
God of War: Ghost of Sparta - PSP	CIB	Tested & working, very nice condition.
Hard Rock Casino – PSP	CIB	Nice condition
Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep - PSP	CIB	Tested & working, very nice condition.
Madden '06 – PSP	Loose	Tested & working
Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 – PSP	CIB	Tested & working
Midnight Club 3 – PSP	CIB	Nice condition
Little Big Planet - PSP	CIB	Tested & working, very nice condition.
Lord of Arcana - PSP	UMD & Case only	Tested & working, very nice condition.
Spectral Souls – PSP	Loose	Tested & working
Star Wars Battlefront 2 - PSP	CIB	Tested & working, very nice condition.
Wild Arms XF – PSP	Loose	Tested & working
Worms: Open Warfare – PSP	CIB	Nice condition
Persona 4 Golden - Vita	Loose	Tested & working

SEGA Dreamcast

Title	Condition	Notes
OEM White controller	Accessory	Tested & working
Intec Purple Controller	Accessory	Tested, works fine
Buzz Lightyear: Star Command	Disc only	Tested & working
Centipede	Disc only	Tested & working
Chicken Run	CIB	Great shape
Dave Mirra's Freestyle BMX	CIB	Great shape
Disney's Dinosaur	CIB	Cracked case edge
Jeremy McGrath Supercross	Disc only	Tested & working
NFL Blitz 2001	CIB	Great shape
Quake III Arena	CIB	Great shape
Resident Evil: CODE Veronica	Discs & aftermarket cases	Tested & working
San Francisco Rush	CIB	Great shape
Sega Bass Fishing	CIB	Great shape (Sega All-Stars)
Sega Smash Pack: Volume 1	Disc & case, cracked front lid	Tested & working
Sno-Cross Championship Racing	CIB	Great shape
Super Runabout: SF Edition	CIB	Great shape
Tomb Raider Chronicles	CIB	Great shape
Vigilante 8: Second Offense	CIB	Great shape
Virtua Fighter 3tb	Disc & aftermarket case only	Tested & working
WWE Royal Rumble	CIB	Great shape

Xbox One, 360, OG

Title	Condition	Price
OEM Wireless Controllers - 360	Accessory	I have 4 spares, 3 black and 1 white, as well as a couple of charging cradles & rechargeable battery packs. Missing the actual battery covers, though.
Rock Candy Wired Controller - 360	Accessory	Comes with the USB breakaway cable but it's kind of janky.
Microsoft Kinect - XBO	Accessory	Model 1520 for Xbox One
Speed Wheel - 360	Accessory	Tested & working.
Gibson Xplorer - 360	Accessory	Tested & working. Comes with stickers pre-installed and a shoulder strap.
Batman: Arkham Asylum (Game of the Year Edition) - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Batman: Arkham City (Game of the Year Edition, 2 disc setup) - 360	Disc 1 only	Tested & working
Burnout 3: Takedown - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Call of Duty 3 - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Chromehounds - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Disney Pixar Cars - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Elder Scrolls, The: Skyrim - 360	Disc only	Tested & working
Elder Scrolls, The: Oblivion (Game of the Year Edition, 2 disc setup) - 360	Disc 1 only	Tested & working
Fallout 3 (Game of the Year Edition) - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Gears of War - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Gears of War 3 - 360	CIB	Tested & working
LEGO Batman/Pure Dual Pack - 360	CIB	Tested & working
LEGO Batman (same dual pack as above, but doesn't include Pure) - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Lost Planet: Extreme Condition - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Madden 09 - OG	CIB	Tested & working
Madden 11 - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Marvel Ultimate Alliance - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Minecraft - 360	Disc only	Tested & working
MotoGP - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 - 360	CIB	Tested & working
NBA Live 2005 - OG	CIB	Tested & working
NBA Live 06 - 360	CIB	Tested & working
NCAA Football 09 - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Skate 3 - 360	Disc Only	Tested & working
Splinter Cell: Blacklist - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Transformers: Dark of the Moon - 360	CIB	Tested & working
Triple Play 2002 - OG	CIB	Tested & working
Walking Dead, The: Survival Instinct - 360	Disc only	Tested & working
Zoo Tycoon - 360	CIB	Tested & working

WANT
Chrono Trigger (SNES) - I have my childhood cart already, but I'd be interesting in picking up the box & all the inserts if you have them
Luigi's Mansion 3DS - Case Only
Pulse Headset (PS5)
Borderlands Legendary Collection (Switch)
Yakuza: Like A Dragon (PS4)
Original hard case for PS Vita Slim - my kid broke the hinge on mine and the Amazon replacement is... not good.
Castlevania (GBA) - Looking for all 4 games: NES, Aria of Sorrow, Harmony of Dissonance, Circle of the Moon. Double pack would be great, too.
Mega Man Battle Network games: Network Transmission (NGC), MMBN 2 (GBA), Battle Chip Challenge (GBA), MMBN 4 : Blue Moon (GBA), MMBN 5: Team ProtoMan & Team Colonel(GBA) & Double Team DS (NDS), MMBN 6: Cybeast Gregar (GBA)
Dreamcast OEM Memory Card, Quality Games (Sonic Adventure 2, Skies of Arcadia, etc.)
Pokemon: SoulSilver (Bix box & cardboard tray only, already have the game & case. The Pokewalker & its' manual would be a plus, but not a requirement)
NES/SNES/N64/GameCube/Switch Offers Note: I currently have most first-party/major release Switch games. Feel free to still offer, though. No interest in Amiibo or Amiibo Cards.

Another season of Zohnster Survivor in the air and we travel to Australia where we will follow the battle for survival and the achievement of 1 million dollars.

MEET THE CAST:

Kucha Tribe
Inez Sabrillo, 22, swimsuit model (made by u/swoldow)
Inez was born in San Diego with the blessing and the curse of being an early bloomer, who was known in high school for having the perfect body. This led her to be sought after by numerous guys, all of which she turned down because they solely liked her due to looks. Despite having a job where she sexualizes herself daily, she wants to use survivor to find the one guy who likes her for more than her body, and settle down with him as a happy couple. She will be loyal to anyone, until they turn on her, and an angry, meaner Inez takes her place.
Shawn "The Syncopation" Voldoski, 23, drummer (made by u/swoldow)
The Syncopation is a behemoth in the music industry, as his band Phantom Kage is critically acclaimed by teens of all ages due to the rebellious nature of the group. That rebellion came easy for him, as he was born and raised in poverty, his mother walked out on him at a young age, and he was left to live his vulnerable teenage years with an abusive, alcoholic bum of a father, who made sure his life would be miserable. Music was what saved his life, as he related to the pain expressed in punk and metal music, and learned to drum on the down-low, and snuck out to join a band in high school. He ran away from home at the age of 17 to live with his band's singer, whose father just so happened to own a record label. His band recorded their first EP, and The Syncopation's fame skyrocketed. Now in his early twenties, you could barely recognize the abused impoverished kid who started the group. Adopting his stage persona, 'The Syncopation' as a full identity, he has grown reckless and vile, and is addicted to fame like it's a drug. As a result, he has become a master at manipulation, using higher-ups in the music industry to turn his label into a multi-million dollar operation, blackmailing venues into giving him gigs, flirting with, cheating on, and manipulating many female songwriters and singers into doing his bidding, and now has many huge faces in the industry feeding from his hand. He plans to run the game the same way, and dominate the game no matter how many backs he has to stab.
Adrian Blair, 28, casino chain owner (made by u/UltDragon)
Owning a business is never easy and to make it in this world you have to stab a few backs. This is what Adrian was told about owning a business growing up. Adrian will use every advantage to win and should not be trusted. Adrian plans on donating the million as he has no use for it.
Darci Crossley, 41, radiologic technologist (made by u/Nahuelfire39)
Darci Crossley is a fairly competitive woman. She was born in a medium sized house in London, England. She only has her mother Betty Crossley, as her father abandoned her mother when he found out she was pregnant. When she was a teenager, she watched an Australian show called "It's A Knockout!" and has since become a fan of the show. Yellow is Darci's favorite color because of Queensland (QSD). Darci accepts challenges for fun, although she can be too competitive. Darci and his mother traveled to the United States for a life and for Darci to have a job, and he did, as a Radiologic Technologist.
Crustino Agelero, 31, carnival carney (made by u/Ripecornball60)
Rusty was born to a family known for there car sales. Rusty, being the black sheep of the family found out a better way to scam. Scamming children! When his school went to the local carnival, he scammed his fellow students out of there spending money, and used it on himself. Fascinated by the carnival, Rusty decided to scam someone out of a carney station, where he rigged the games to his favor. With people beginning to become suspicious of his actions, Rusty has come onto Survivor to gain more money.
Kade Briganski, 22, beachfrontstore clerk (made by u/chia923)
After being raised in an orphanage, Kade quickly became associated with a bad group of people. He eventually made a lot of bad decisions, one of which led to his tattoo. After a brief prison stay, he eventually turned his life around. He hopes that this experience can prove to the world that he is strong.
Fabia Oakland, 61, full time grandmother
Lover of her calm life and of her grandchildren who visit her every day, Fabia is a simple and happy person with life. It does not have strong physical aspects so it conquers with the cooking that it does.
​
Ogakor Tribe
Roseanna "Rosie" Steen, 21, diver (made by u/CapybaraWookiee)
Rosie has always loved the water. Born to parents who are the children of Guatemalan immigrants, she wants to make a name for herself. She is already a semi-pro diver, and her dream is to make the U.S Olympic diving team. Another one of her dreams? Competing on Survivor, and winning the money, as she is a superfan of the show.
Jasper Bishop, 28, economist (made by u/CapybaraWookiee)
Jasper is good with numbers. That is why he decided to become an economist so that he can work with numbers, and do what he is good at. He always puts 110% into everything he does. That is why he thinks he will be good at the game because he doesn’t quit easily, no matter the circumstances.
Griffyn Wright, 20, fast food cook (made by u/chia923)
After failing his college entrance exams, Griffyn went into a low-paying job to earn what he could. He wants to prove that he is a strong competitor by coming into this game and the money could help him financially. He is squeamish around water as he almost drowned as a child.
Adelyn White, 27, event planner (made by u/TDSwaggyBoy)
Adelyn wouldn't consider herself to be "special" in any way. She's just.. herself. She was born to a middle class family, grew up in a loving environment and was taught to always love and respect others, rules that she now lives by. Meeting her eventual husband when she was three years old, Adelyn's family was always close with the family of Jay - Who was now 28, working as an engineer. The two were best friends for as long as Adelyn can remember, and she hopes to win this money for the both of them.
Carter Haynes, 24, barista (made by u/TDSwaggyBoy)
Carter had a rough childhood. Ever since he was a child, Carter had to work part time jobs to help his lower class family. Being the eldest of three kids, Carter also had to help his parents with taking care of said siblings, as neither parent really had the time to do so. Carter always managed to get through, though. No matter how hard life had seemed, Carter continued to fight and continued to survive. And in a game like SURVIVOR, that's exactly what you need. He now works as a part-time barista and a full time artist. That's his dream - be like Van Gogh, Picasso, etc. He hopes that this game might help him out with said dream.
Zoey Williams, 22, game designer (made by u/UltDragon)
Zoey was always a creative person and she loves to express herself. However, since being an artist is risky and you have to be very successful in order to make a good living off of it, she decided instead to get a job as a game designer. She is here to get out of her comfort zone and to (maybe) win the thing.
Marcelino "Rock" McGeorge, 29, tango dancer (made by u/Nahuelfire39)
Despite his Spanish nationality, Marcelino was born in the United States, hence his American last name. His father is American while his mother is Spanish, therefore Marcelino can speak both English and Spanish. Marcelino prefers to be nicknamed "Rock" because he doesn't like his real name and because he thinks that way he will be more respected. Marcelino works as a Tango dancer for major shows such as children's shows; but when he is already a professional dancer, he wants to be a dance teacher. Marcelino can be conceited, flirtatious, competitive, calm and audacious.
Estelle Noir, 19, barista/aspiring actor (made by u/Ripecornball60)
Estelle was born into a low class, yet loving family. When she was younger, all she wanted was stardom, and always wanted to go into the big city and work as an actor. Her parents disapproved of this, despite her really wanting to move. The only reason why she stayed was to keep her relationship with her boyfriend Wendell alive. At the age of 18, she found Wendell sleeping with another woman, and she promptly ran away, not seeing any reason to stay anymore. In New York, Estelle was homeless, only to be picked up by Garret, a Starbucks manager. Garret offered her a job to keep her on her feet, and she has worked there for 1 year now. During her breaks, she goes to auditions all across the city to try to get an acting job, only to fail. She is coming onto Survivor in order to gain self-confidence and recognition.
​
ZOHNSTER SURVIVOR: THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK
WRITTEN EPISODES
​
My thoughts:
A good season with good participants. I preferred Borneo, but I liked some relationships here in that game. The Borneo simulator was much easier to work with, it showed several things that I managed to put better in the written episodes, since I had to think more about what to do to create the summaries. But it was cool and the victory deserved for Carter who has a second aspect of the game, very different from Jamal who worked more in social. I am hoping that Africa will give us a simulator with more surprises with the first swap of the game.
Winner: Carter Haynes
Deserves to return: Jasper, Zoey, Rosie, Griffyn, Fabia, Adrian, Melly, Sync
​
Leave your opinions about the game below and who you think should return for another season. What do you expect for the next season? Do you have suggestions for simulators not to use? Leave everything below.

TL;DR: Man with too much time on his hands goes deep down the rabbit hole on a concept this sub already didn’t seem that enthusiastic about. If you really want to skip ahead, CTRL+F “verdict” and it’ll get you there.
Two days ago, u/MrPhillyj2wns made a post asking whether USL should launch a D1 league in order to compete in Concacaf. From the top voted replies, it appears this made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
But I’ve been at home for eight weeks and I am terribly, terribly bored.
So, I present to you this overview of what the USL pyramid might look like if Jake Edwards got a head of steam and attempted to establish a USSF-sanctioned first division. This is by no means an endorsement of such a proposal or even a suggestion that USL SHOULD do such a thing. It is merely an examination of whether they COULD.
Welcome to the Thunderdome USL Premiership
First, there are some base-level assumptions we must make in this exercise, because it makes me feel more scientific and not like a guy who wrote this on Sunday while watching the Belarusian Premier League (Go BATE Borisov!).

1. All D1 teams must comply with known USSF requirements for D1 leagues (more on that later).
   
2. MLS, not liking this move, will immediately remove all directly-owned affiliate clubs from the USL structure (this does not include hybrid ownerships, like San Antonio FC – NYCFC). This removes all MLS2 teams but will not affect Colorado Springs, Reno, RGVFC and San Antonio.
   
3. The USL will attempt to maintain both the USL Championship and USL League One, with an eventual mind toward creating the pro/rel paradise that is promised in Relegations 3:16.
   
4. All of my research regarding facility size and ownership net worth is correct – this is probably the biggest leap of faith we have to make, since googling “NAME net worth” and “CITY richest people” doesn’t seem guaranteed to return accurate results.
   
5. The most a club can increase its available seating capacity to meet D1 requirements in a current stadium is no more than 1,500 seats (10% of the required 15,000). If they need to add more, they’ll need a new facility.
   
6. Let’s pretend that people are VERY willing to sell. It’s commonly acknowledged that the USL is a more financially feasible route to owning a soccer club than in MLS (c.f. MLS-Charlotte’s reported $325 million expansion fee) and the USSF has some very strict requirements for D1 sanctioning. It becomes pretty apparent when googling a lot of team’s owners that this requirement isn’t met, so let’s assume everyone that can’t sells to people who meet the requirements.
   

(Known) USSF D1 league requirements:
- League must have 12 teams to apply and 14 teams by year three
- Majority owner must have a net worth of $40 million, and the ownership group must have a total net worth of $70 million. The value of an owned stadium is not considered when calculating this value.
- Must have teams located in the Eastern, Central and Pacific time zones
- 75% of league’s teams must be based in markets with at a metro population of at least 1 million people.
- All league stadiums must have a capacity of at least 15,000
The ideal club candidate for the USL Premiership will meet the population and capacity requirements in its current ground, which will have a grass playing surface. Of the USL Championship’s 27 independent/hybrid affiliate clubs, I did not find one club that meets all these criteria as they currently stand.
Regarding turf fields, the USSF does not have a formal policy regarding the ideal playing surface but it is generally acknowledged that grass is superior to turf. 6 of 26 MLS stadiums utilize turf, or roughly 23% of stadiums. We’ll hold a similar restriction for our top flight, so 2-3 of our top flight clubs can have turf fields. Seem fair?
Capacity is going to be the biggest issue, since the disparity between current requirements for the second-tier (5,000) and the first tier (15,000) is a pretty massive gap. Nice club you have there, triple your capacity and you’re onto something. As a result, I have taken the liberty of relocating certain (read: nearly all) clubs to new grounds, trying my utmost to keep those clubs in their current markets and –importantly--, ensure they play on grass surfaces.
So, let’s do a case-by-case evaluation and see if we can put together 12-14 teams that meet the potential requirements, because what else do you have to do?
For each club’s breakdown, anything that represents a chance from what is currently true will be underlined.
Candidate: Birmingham Legion FC
Location (Metro population): Birmingham, Ala. (1,151,801)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Legion Field (FieldTurf, 71,594)
Potential owner: Stephens Family (reported net worth $4 billion)
Notes: Birmingham has a pretty strong candidacy. Having ditched the 5,000-seater BBVA Field for Legion Field, which sits 2.4 miles away, they’ve tapped into the city’s soccer history. Legion Field hosted portions of both the men’s and women’s tournaments at the 1996 Olympics, including a 3-1 U.S. loss to Argentina that saw 83,183 pack the house. The Harbert family seemed like strong ownership contenders, but since the death of matriarch Marguerite Harbert in 2015, it’s unclear where the wealth in the family is concentrated, so the Stephens seem like a better candidate. The only real knock that I can think of is that we really want to avoid having clubs play on turf, so I’d say they’re on the bubble of our platonic ideal USL Prem.
Candidate: Charleston Battery
Location (Metro population): Charleston, S.C. (713,000)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Johnson Hagood Stadium (Grass, ~14,700)
Potential owner: Anita Zucker (reported net worth $3 billion)
Notes: Charleston’s candidacy isn’t looking great. Already disadvantaged due to its undersized metro population, a move across the Cooper River to Johnson Hagood Stadium is cutting it close in terms of capacity. The stadium, home to The Citadel’s football team, used to seat 21,000, before 9,300 seats on the eastern grandstand were torn down in 2017 to deal with lead paint that had been used in their construction. Renovation plans include adding 3,000 seats back in, which could hit 15,000 if they bumped it to 3,300, but throw in a required sale by HCFC, LLC (led by content-creation platform founder Rob Salvatore) to chemical magnate Anita Zucker, and you’ll see there’s a lot of ifs and ands in this proposal.
Candidate: Charlotte Independence
Location (Metro population): Charlotte, N.C. (2,569, 213)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Jerry Richardson Stadium (Turf, 15,314)
Potential owner: James Goodnight (reported net worth $9.1 billion)
Notes: Charlotte ticks a lot of the boxes. A move from the Sportsplex at Matthews to UNC-Charlotte’s Jerry Richardson stadium meets capacity requirements, but puts them on to the dreaded turf. Regrettably, nearby American Legion Memorial Stadium only seats 10,500, despite a grass playing surface. With a sizeable metro population (sixth-largest in the USL Championship) and a possible owner in software billionaire James Goodnight, you’ve got some options here. The biggest problem likely lies in direct competition for market share against a much better-funded MLS Charlotte side due to join the league in 2021.
Candidate: Hartford Athletic
Location (Metro population): Hartford, Conn. (1,214,295)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Pratt & Whitney Stadium (Grass, 38,066)
Potential owner: Ray Dalio (reported net worth $18.4 billion)
Notes: Okay, I cheated a bit here, having to relocate Hartford to Pratt & Whitney Stadium, which is technically in East Hartford, Conn. I don’t know enough about the area to know if there’s some kind of massive beef between the two cities, but the club has history there, having played seven games in 2019 while Dillon Stadium underwent renovations. If the group of local businessmen that currently own the club manage to attract Dalio to the table, we’re on to something.
Candidate: Indy Eleven
Location (Metro population): Indianapolis, Ind. (2,048,703)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Lucas Oil Stadium (Turf, 62,421)
Potential owner: Jim Irsay (reported net worth of $3 billion)
Notes: Indy Eleven are a club that are SO CLOSE to being an ideal candidate – if it weren’t for Lucas Oil Stadium’s turf playing surface. Still, there’s a lot to like in this bid. I’m not going to lie, I have no idea what current owner and founder Ersal Ozdemir is worth, but it seems like there might be cause for concern. A sale to Irsay, who also owns the NFL Indianapolis (nee Baltimore) Colts, seems likely to keep the franchise there, rather than make a half-mile move to 14,230 capacity Victory Field where the AAA Indianapolis Indians play and expand from there.
Candidate: Louisville City FC
Location (Metro population): Louisville, Ky. (1,297,310)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Lynn Family Stadium (Grass, 14,000, possibly expandable to 20,000)
Potential owner: Wayne Hughes (reported net worth $2.8 billion)
Notes: I’m stretching things a bit here. Lynn Family stadium is currently listed as having 11,700 capacity that’s expandable to 14,000, but they’ve said that the ground could hold as many as 20,000 with additional construction, which might be enough to grant them a temporary waiver from USSF. If the stadium is a no-go, then there’s always Cardinal Stadium, home to the University of Louisville’s football team, which seats 65,000 but is turf. Either way, it seems like a sale to someone like Public Storage founder Wayne Hughes will be necessary to ensure the club has enough capital.
Candidate: Memphis 901 FC
Location (Metro population): Memphis, Tenn. (1,348,260)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Liberty Bowl Stadium (Turf, 58,325)
Potential owner: Fred Smith (reported net worth $3 billion)
Notes: Unfortunately for Memphis, AutoZone Park’s 10,000 seats won’t cut it at the D1 level. With its urban location, it would likely prove tough to renovate, as well. Liberty Bowl Stadium more than meets the need, but will involve the use of the dreaded turf. As far as an owner goes, FedEx founder Fred Smith seems like a good local option.
Candidate: Miami FC, “The”
Location (Metro population): Miami, Fla. (6,158,824)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Riccardo Silva Stadium (FieldTurf, 20,000)
Potential owner: Riccardo Silva (reported net worth $1 billion)
Notes: Well, well, well, Silva might get his wish for top-flight soccer, after all. He’s got the money, he’s got the metro, and his ground has the capacity. There is the nagging issue of the turf, though. Hard Rock Stadium might present a solution, including a capacity of 64,767 and a grass playing surface. It is worth noting, however, that this is the first profile where I didn’t have to find a new potential owner for a club.
Candidate: North Carolina FC
Location (Metro population): Durham, N.C. (1,214,516 in The Triangle)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Carter-Finley Stadium (Grass/Turf, 57,583)
Potential owner: Steve Malik (precise net worth unknown) / Dennis Gillings (reported net worth of $1.7 billion)
Notes: We have our first “relocation” in North Carolina FC, who were forced to trade Cary’s 10,000-seat WakeMed Soccer Park for Carter-Finley Stadium in Durham, home of the NC State Wolfpack and 57,583 of their closest friends. The move is a whopping 3.1 miles, thanks to the close-knit hub that exists between Cary, Durham and Raleigh. Carter-Finley might be my favorite of the stadium moves in this exercise. The field is grass, but the sidelines are artificial turf. Weird, right? Either way, it was good enough for Juventus to play a friendly against Chivas de Guadalajara there in 2011. Maybe the move would be pushed for by new owner and medical magnate Dennis Gillings, whose British roots might inspire him to get involved in the Beautiful Game. Straight up, though, I couldn’t find a net worth for current owner Steve Malik, though he did sell his company MedFusion for $91 million in 2010, then bought it back for an undisclosed amount and sold it again for $43 million last November. I don’t know if Malik has the juice to meet D1 requirements, but I suspect he’s close.
Candidate: Pittsburgh Riverhounds SC
Location (Metro population): Pittsburgh, Penn. (2,362,453)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Heinz Field (Grass, 64,450)
Potential owner: Henry Hillman (reported net worth $2.5 billion)
Notes: I don’t know a ton about the Riverhounds, but this move in particular feels like depriving a pretty blue-collar club from its roots. Highmark Stadium is a no-go from a seating perspective, but the Steelers’ home stadium at Heinz Field would more than meet the requirements and have a grass surface that was large enough to be sanctioned for a FIFA friendly between the U.S. WNT and Costa Rica in 2015. As for an owner, Tuffy Shallenberger (first ballot owner name HOF) doesn’t seem to fit the USSF bill, but legendary Pittsburgh industrialist Henry Hillman might. I’m sure you’re asking, why not the Rooney Family, if they’ll play at Heinz Field? I’ll tell you: I honestly can’t seem to pin down a value for the family. The Steelers are valued at a little over a billion and rumors persist that Dan Rooney is worth $500 million, but I’m not sure. I guess the Rooneys would work too, but it’s a definite departure from an owner in Shallenberger who was described by one journalist as a guy who “wears boots, jeans, a sweater and a trucker hat.”
Candidate: Saint Louis FC
Location (Metro population): St. Louis, Mo. (2,807,338)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Busch Stadium (Grass, 45,494)
Potential owner: William DeWitt Jr. (reported net worth $4 billion)
Notes: Saint Louis has some weirdness in making the jump to D1. Current CEO Jim Kavanaugh is an owner of the MLS side that will begin play in 2022. The club’s current ground at West Community Stadium isn’t big enough, but perhaps a timely sale to Cardinals owner William DeWitt Jr. could see the club playing games at Busch Stadium, which has a well established history of hosting other sports like hockey, college football and soccer (most recently a U.S. WNT friendly against New Zealand in 2019). The competition with another MLS franchise wouldn’t be ideal, like Charlotte, but with a big enough population and cross marketing from the Cardinals, maybe there’s a winner here. Wacko idea: If Busch doesn’t pan out, send them to The Dome. Sure, it’s a 60k turf closed-in stadium, but we can go for that retro NASL feel and pay homage to our nation’s soccer history.
Candidate: Tampa Bay Rowdies
Location (Metro population): Tampa, Fla. (3,068,511)
Time zone: Eastern
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Raymond James Stadium (Grass, 65,518)
Potential owner: Edward DeBartolo Jr. (reported net worth $3 billion)
Notes: This one makes me sad. Despite having never been there, I see Al Lang Stadium as an iconic part of the Rowdies experience. Current owner Bill Edwards proposed an expansion to 18,000 seats in 2016, but the move seems to have stalled out. Frustrated with the city’s lack of action, Edwards sells to one-time San Francisco 49ers owner Edward DeBartolo Jr., who uses his old NFL connections to secure a cushy lease at the home of the Buccaneers in Ray Jay, the site of a 3-1 thrashing of Antigua and Barbuda during the United States’ 2014 World Cup Qualifying campaign.
Breather. Hey, we finished the Eastern Conference teams. Why are you still reading this? Why am I still writing it? Time is a meaningless construct in 2020 my friends, we are adrift in the void, fueled only by brief flashes of what once was and what may yet still be.
Candidate: Austin Bold FC
Location (Metro population): Austin, Texas (2,168,316)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Darrel K Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium (FieldTurf, 95,594)
Potential owner: Michael Dell (reported net worth of $32.3 billion)
Notes: Anthony Precourt’s Austin FC has some unexpected competition and it comes in the form of tech magnate Michael Dell. Dell, were he to buy the club, would be one of the richest owners on our list and could flash his cash in the new first division. Would he have enough to convince Darrel K Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium (I’m not kidding, that’s its actual name) to go back to a grass surface, like it did from ’96-’08? That’s between Dell and nearly 100,000 UT football fans, but everything can be had for the right price.
Candidate: Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC
Location (Metro population): Colorado Springs, Colo. (738,939)
Time zone: Mountain
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Falcon Stadium (FieldTurf, 46,692)
Potential owner: Charles Ergen (reported net worth $10.8 billion)
Notes: Welcome to Colorado Springs. We have hurdles. For the first time in 12 candidates, we’re back below the desired 1 million metro population mark. Colorado Springs actually plans to build a $35 million, 8,000 seat venue downtown that will be perfect for soccer, but in our timeline that’s 7,000 seats short. Enter Falcon Stadium, home of the Air Force Academy Falcons football team. Seems perfect except for the turf, right? Well, the tricky thing is that Falcon Stadium is technically on an active military base and is (I believe) government property. Challenges to getting in and out of the ground aside, the military tends to have a pretty grim view of government property being used by for-profit enterprises. Maybe Charles Ergen, founder and chairman of Dish Network, would be able to grease the right wheels, but you can go ahead and throw this into the “doubtful” category. It’s a shame, too. 6,035 feet of elevation is one hell of a home-field advantage.
Candidate: El Paso Locomotive FC
Location: El Paso, Texas
Time zone: Mountain
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Sun Bowl (FieldTurf, 51,500)
Potential owner: Paul Foster (reported net worth $1.7 billion)
Notes: God bless Texas. When compiling this list, I found so many of the theoretical stadium replacements were nearly serviceable by high school football fields. That’s insane, right? Anyway, Locomotive don’t have to settle for one of those, they’ve got the Sun Bowl, which had its capacity reduced in 2001 to a paltry 51,500 (from 52,000) specifically to accommodate soccer. Sure, it’s a turf surface, but what does new owner Paul Foster (who is only the 1,477th wealthiest man in the world, per Forbes) care, he’s got a team in a top league. Side note: Did you know that the Sun Bowl college football game is officially, through sponsorship, the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl? Why is it not the Frosted Flakes Sun Bowl? Why is the cereal mascot the promotional name of the football game? What are you doing, Kellogg’s?
Candidate: Las Vegas Lights FC
Location: Las Vegas, Nev. (2,227,053)
Time zone: Pacific
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Allegiant Stadium (Grass, 61,000)
Potential owner: Sheldon Adelson (reported net worth $37.7 billion)
Notes: Sin City. You had to know that the club that once signed Freddy Adu because “why not” was going to go all out in our flashy hypothetical proposal. Thanks to my narrative control of this whole thing, they have. Adelson is the second-richest owner in the league and has decided to do everything first class. That includes using the new Raiders stadium in nearby unincorporated Paradise, Nevada, and spending boatloads on high profile transfers. Zlatan is coming back to the U.S., confirmed.
Candidate: New Mexico United
Location: Albuquerque, N.M.
Time zone: Mountain
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Isotopes Park – officially Rio Grande Credit Union Field at Isotopes Park (Grass, 13,500 – 15,000 with expansion)
Potential owner: Maloof Family (reported net worth $1 billion)
Notes: New Mexico from its inception went deep on the community vibe, and I’ve tried to replicate that in this bid. The home field of Rio Grande Cr---I’m not typing out the whole thing—Isotopes Park falls just within the expansion rules we set to make it to 15,000 (weird, right?) and they’ve found a great local ownership group in the Lebanese-American Maloof (formerly Maalouf) family from Las Vegas. The only thing to worry about would be the metro population, but overall, this could be one of the gems of USL Prem.
Candidate: Oklahoma City Energy FC
Location: Oklahoma City, Okla. (1,396,445)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark (Grass, 13,066)
Potential owner: Harold Hamm (reported net worth $14.2 billion)
Notes: There’s a bright golden haze on the meadow and it says it’s time to change stadiums and owners to make it to D1. A sale to oil magnate Harold Hamm would give the club the finances it needs, but Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark (home of the OKC Dodgers) actually falls outside of the boundary of what would meet capacity if 1,500 seats were added. Could the club pull off a move to Gaylord Family Oklahoma Memorial Stadium in Norman, Oklahoma – home of the Oklahoma Sooners? Maybe, but at 20 miles, this would be a reach.
Candidate: Orange County SC
Location: Irvine, Calif. (3,176, 000 in Orange County)
Time zone: Pacific
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Angels Stadium of Anaheim (Grass, 43,250)
Potential owner: Arte Moreno (reported net worth $3.3 billion)
Notes: You’ll never convince me that Rangers didn’t choose to partner with Orange County based primarily on its name. Either way, a sale to MLB Angels owner Arte Moreno produces a fruitful partnership, with the owner choosing to play his newest club out of the existing Angels stadium in OC. Another baseball conversion, sure, but with a metro population of over 3 million and the closest thing this hypothetical league has to an LA market, who’s complaining?
Candidate: Phoenix Rising FC
Location: Phoenix, Ariz. (4,857,962)
Time zone: Arizona
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): State Farm Stadium (Grass, 63,400)
Potential owner: Ernest Garcia II (reported net worth $5.7 billion)
Notes: We’re keeping it local with new owner and used car guru Ernest Garcia II. His dad owned a liquor store and he dropped out of college, which is making me feel amazing about my life choices right now. Casino Arizona Field is great, but State Farm Stadium is a grass surface that hosted the 2019 Gold Cup semifinal, so it’s a clear winner. Throw in Phoenix’s massive metro population and this one looks like a lock.
Candidate: Reno 1868 FC
Location: Reno, Nev. (425,417)
Time zone: Pacific
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Mackay Stadium (FieldTurf, 30,000)
Potential owner: Nancy Walton Laurie (reported net worth $7.1 billion)
Notes: The Biggest Little City on Earth has some serious barriers to overcome, thanks to its low metro population. A sale to Walmart heiress Nancy Walton Laurie and 1.6 mile-move to Mackay Stadium to split space with the University of Nevada, Reno makes this bid competitive, but the turf surface is another knock against it.
Candidate: Rio Grande Valley FC
Location: Edinburg, Texas (900,304)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): McAllen Memorial Stadium (FieldTurf, 13,500 – 15,000 with expansion)
Potential owner: Alice Louise Walton (reported net worth $45 billion)
Notes: Yes, I have a second straight Walmart heiress on the list. She was the first thing that popped up when I googled “McAllen Texas richest people.” The family rivalry has spurred Walton to buy a club as well, moving them 10 miles to McAllen Memorial Stadium which, as I alluded to earlier, is a straight up high school football stadium with a full color scoreboard. Toss in an additional 1,500 seats and you’ve met the minimum, despite the turf playing surface.
Candidate: San Antonio FC
Location: San Antonio, Texas (2,550,960)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Alamodome (FieldTurf, 64,000)
Potential owner: Red McCombs (reported net worth $1.6 billion)
Notes: I wanted to keep SAFC in the Spurs family, since the franchise is valued at $1.8 billion. That said, I didn’t let the Rooneys own the Riverhounds based on the Steelers’ value and it felt wrong to change the rules, so bring on Clear Channel co-founder Red McCombs. Toyota Field isn’t viable in the first division, but for the Alamodome, which was built in 1993 in hopes of attracting an NFL franchise (and never did), San Antonio can finally claim having *a* national football league team in its town (contingent on your definition of football). Now if only we could do something about that turf…
Candidate: San Diego Loyal SC
Location: San Diego, Calif. (3,317,749)
Time zone: Pacific
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): SDCCU Stadium (formerly Qualcomm) (Grass, 70,561)
Potential owner: Phil Mickelson (reported net worth $91 million)
Notes: Yes, golf’s Phil Mickelson. The existing ownership group didn’t seem to have the wherewithal to meet requirements, and Phil seemed to slot right in. As an athlete himself, he might be interesting in the new challenges of a top flight soccer team. Toss in a move to the former home of the chargers and you might have a basis for tremendous community support.
Candidate: FC Tulsa
Location: Tulsa, Okla. (991,561)
Time zone: Central
Stadium (playing surface, capacity): Skelly Field at H.A. Chapman Stadium (FieldTurf, 30,000)
Potential owner: George Kaiser ($10 billion)
Notes: I’m a fan of FC Tulsa’s rebrand, but if they want to make the first division, more changes are necessary. A sale to Tulsa native and one of the 100 richest men in the world George Kaiser means that funding is guaranteed. A move to Chapman Stadium would provide the necessary seats, despite the turf field. While the undersize population might be an issue at first glance, it’s hard to imagine U.S. Soccer not granting a waiver over a less than a 10k miss from the mark.
And that’s it! You made it. Those are all of the independent/hybrid affiliates in the USL Championship, which means that it’s time for our…
VERDICT: As an expert who has studied this issue for almost an entire day now, I am prepared to pronounce which USL Championships could be most ‘ready” for a jump to the USL Prem. A reminder that of the 27 clubs surveyed, 0 of them met our ideal criteria (proper ownership $, metro population, 15,000+ stadium with grass field).
Two of them, however, met almost all of those criteria: Indy Eleven and Miami FC. Those two clubs may use up two of our three available turf fields right from the outset, but the other factors they hit (particularly Silva’s ownership of Miami) makes them difficult, if not impossible to ignore for the top flight.
But who fill in the rest of the slots? Meet the entire 14-team USL Premier League:
Hartford Athletic
Indy Eleven
Louisville City FC
Miami FC
North Carolina FC
Pittsburgh Riverhounds SC
Tampa Bay Rowdies
Saint Louis FC
San Antonio FC
New Mexico United
Phoenix Rising FC
Las Vegas Lights FC
Orange County SC
San Diego Loyal SC
Now, I shall provide my expert rationale for each club’s inclusion/exclusion, which can be roughly broken down into four categories.
Firm “yes”
Hartford Athletic: It’s a good market size with a solid stadium. With a decent investor and good community support, you’ve got potential here.
Indy Eleven: The turf at Lucas Oil Stadium is no reason to turn down a 62,421 venue and a metro population of over 2 million.
Louisville City FC: Why doesn’t the 2017 & 2018 USL Cup champion deserve a crack at the top flight? They have the market size, and with a bit of expansion have the stadium at their own SSS. LCFC, you’re in.
Miami FC, “The”: Our other blue-chip recruit on the basis of ownership value, market size and stadium capacity. Yes, that field is turf, but how could you snub Silva’s chance to claim victory as the first division 1 club soccer team to play in Miami?
Pittsburgh Riverhounds SC: Pittsburgh sacrificed a lot to be here (according to my arbitrary calculations). Their market size and the potential boon of soccer at Heinz Field is an important inclusion to the league.
Saint Louis FC: Willie hears your “Busch League” jokes, Willie don’t care. A huge market size, combined with the absence of an NFL franchise creates opportunity. Competition with the MLS side, sure, but St. Louis has serious soccer history and we’re willing to bet it can support two clubs.
Tampa Bay Rowdies: With a huge population and a massive stadium waiting nearby, Tampa Bay seems like too good of an opportunity to pass up for the USL Prem.
Las Vegas Lights FC: Ostentatious, massive and well-financed, Las Vegas Lights FC is everything that the USL Premier League would need to assert that it didn’t intend to play second fiddle to MLS. Players will need to be kept on a short leash, but this is a hard market to pass up on.
Phoenix Rising FC: Huge population, big grass field available nearby and a solid history of success in recent years. No brainer.
San Diego Loyal SC: New club? Yes, massive population in a market that recently lost an absolutely huge sports presence? Also yes. This could be the USL Prem’s Seattle.
Cautious “yes”
New Mexico United: You have to take a chance on New Mexico United. The club set the league on fire with its social media presence and its weight in the community when it entered the league last season. The market may be slightly under USSF’s desired 1 million, but fervent support (and the ability to continue to use Isotopes Park) shouldn’t be discounted.
North Carolina FC: Carter-Finley’s mixed grass/turf surface is a barrier, to be sure, but the 57,000+ seats it offers (and being enough to offset other fully-turf offerings) is enough to put it in the black.
Orange County SC: It’s a top-tier club playing in a MLB stadium. I know it seems unlikely that USSF would approve something like that, but believe me when I say “it could happen.” Orange County is a massive market and California likely needs two clubs in the top flight.
San Antonio FC: Our third and only voluntary inclusion to the turf fields in the first division, we’re counting on San Antonio’s size and massive potential stadium to see it through.
Cautious “no”
Birmingham Legion FC: The town has solid soccer history and a huge potential venue, but the turf playing surface puts it on the outside looking in.
Memphis 901 FC: Like Birmingham, not much to dislike here outside of the turf playing surface at the larger playing venue.
Austin Bold FC: See the other two above.
FC Tulsa: Everything’s just a little bit off with this one. Market’s slightly too small, stadium has turf. Just not enough to put it over the top.
Firm “no”
Charleston Battery: Small metro and a small potential new stadium? It’s tough to say yes to the risk.
Charlotte Independence: A small new stadium and the possibility of having to compete with an organization that just paid over $300 million to join MLS means it’s best for this club to remain in the USL Championship.
Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC: When a club’s best chance to meet a capacity requirement is to host games at a venue controlled by the military, that doesn’t speak well to a club’s chances.
El Paso Locomotive FC: An undersized market and a turf field that meets capacity requirements is the death knell for this one.
Oklahoma City Energy FC: Having to expand a baseball field to meet requirements is a bad start. Having to potentially play 20 miles away from your main market is even worse.
Reno 1868 FC: Population nearly a half-million short of the federation’s requirements AND a turf field at the hypothetical new stadium makes impossible to say yes to this bid.
Rio Grande Valley FC: All the seat expansions in the world can’t hide the fact that McAllen Memorial Stadium is a high school stadium through and through.
Here’s who’s left in the 11-team Championship:
Birmingham Legion FC
Charleston Battery
Charlotte Independence
Memphis 901 FC
Austin Bold FC
Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC
El Paso Locomotive FC
Oklahoma City Energy FC
Reno 1868 FC
Rio Grande Valley FC
FC Tulsa
With MLS folding the six affiliates it has in USL League One, the league is a little bit thin (especially considering USSF’s requirements for 8 teams for lower level leagues), but seems definitely able to expand up to the necessary numbers with Edwards’ allusions to five new additions this year:
Chattanooga Red Wolves SC
Forward Madison FC
Greenville Triumph SC
Union Omaha
Richmond Kickers
South Georgia Tormenta
FC Tucson
Format of Assorted Leagues – This (like everything in this post) is pure conjecture on my part, but here are my thoughts on how these leagues might function in a first year while waiting for additional expansion.
USL Premier – We’ll steal from the 12-team Scottish Premiership. Each club plays the other 11 clubs 3 times, with either one or two home matches against each side. When each club has played 33 matches, the top six and bottom six separate, with every club playing an additional five matches (against each other team in its group). The top club wins the league. The bottom club is automatically relegated. The second-bottom club will enter a two-legged playoff against someone (see below) from the championship playoffs.
USL Championship -- 11 clubs is a challenge to schedule for. How about every club plays everyone else three times (either one or two home matches against each side)? Top four clubs make the playoffs, which are decided by two-legged playoffs. The winner automatically goes up. I need feedback on the second part – is it better to have the runner-up from the playoffs face the second-bottom club from the Premiership, or should the winner of the third-place match-up get the chance to face them to keep drama going in both playoff series? As for relegation, we can clearly only send down the last place club while the third division is so small.
USL League One – While the league is so small, it doesn’t seem reasonable to have the clubs play as many matches as the higher divisions. Each club could play the other six clubs four times – twice at home and twice away – for a very equitable 24-match regular season, which would help restrict costs and still provide a chance to determine a clear winner. Whoever finishes top of the table goes up.
And there you have it, a hypothetical look at how the USL could build a D1 league right now. All it would take is a new stadium for almost the entire league and new owners for all but one of the 27 clubs, who wouldn’t feel that their property would be massively devalued if they got relegated.
Well that’s our show. I’m curious to see what you think of all of this, especially anything that you think I may have overlooked (I’m sure there’s plenty). Anyway, I hope you’re all staying safe and well.

Turbulent day ahead for Gagik Tsarukyan

On Sunday we learned that BHK party chief Gagik Tsarukyan (Dodi Gago) was charged as part of voter fraud and casino fraud investigation that began in Feb/1/2020. Today the Parliament will decide to strip him of immunity or not.
It was revealed that Gago's son Nver was also questioned by NSS.
Workers from Gago's Shangri La casino, Aring Mall and Ararat Cement factory began organizing for a protest this morning.
 
Pashinyan: anyone who prevents free elections, evades taxes and law, should be investigated and held accountable. Freedom and democracy have no alternative in Armenia.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190301
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190306
https://hetq.am/hy/article/118374

HHK, ARF, and ex-NSS Vanetsyan..

... condemned the felony case against Gago, calling it political persecution by Pashinyan who's "desperate to hold on to his power".
https://factor.am/260652.html

NSS: several BHK MPs engaged with massive voter fraud

NSS report says: For several years, during local and federal elections, BHK MPs directly or through proxies paid bribes to voters.
May/14/2017 Yerevan elections were one example. BHK pressured non-Yerevan residents, as well as >100k Yerevan residents living outside of Yerevan, to temporarily visit the capital and cast a ballot.
Documents were forged to pretend they were Yerevan residents, so they'd gain the right to vote. They were bused back to their towns after the elections.
 
High profile BHK MP Naira Zohrabyan, the chief of Parliament's Human Rights Committee, while privately speaking to her party colleagues, referred to voters as "sheep and sectarians" after the 2018 post-revolution elections.
During private conversations, she admitted the fact that BHK was able to gain the votes through election fraud all these years. "It turns out BHK has no support in Armenia without voter bribery... will we finally face the truth?", said Zohrabyan after elections during a private convo.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190309

NSS raids BHK Zohrabyan's office

Her BHK party office was searched by law enforcement.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190310

Yerevan construction bribery case leads to voter fraud bust / How it began

In Feb/2020 NSS arrested Yerevan's Urban Development chief Vermishyan for alleged bribery. He confessed.
At the time it was unclear how big that story was. It turns out this is what led to Gago's voter fraud bust.
 
General Prosecutor Davtyan said: in 2019, Yerevanshin bribed Yerevan's Urban Development (UD) chief to let the firm do illegal construction.
Yerevanshin company director also wanted to receive the title of "Honorary Builder of Armenia", so he paid 2.4mln bribe to UD chief. NSS audited Yerevanshin's office as part of that bribery and found evidence of BHK's voter bribery scheme in Gegharquniq (10k to each voter, bribe to students, etc.)
Yerevanshin's director confessed to participating in the scheme. He said in 2017 Gago offered him a seat in Parliament if he can secure [buy] 9k votes from Gegharquniq. They asked Gago's right-hand man Sedrak Arustamyan [$22mln bribery case guy] and another man to handle the financial part, which they did. Documents confirming his story were found.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190316

Gago's allies protest outside Parliament

BHK organized a protest in front of Parliament. A police-wall was formed. Anti-riot gear is present. Protesters are warned against overcrowding during COVID.
177 were briefly detained. Many were BHK's "youth wing" activists. Among the detained was the 2008 Olympics Bronze winner Roman Amoyan. (Gago leads Armenia's Olympics work)
 
Gago's Multi-Group company, run by Sedrak Arustamyan who is charged with $22mln bribery and North-South highway fraud, used its trucks to close the Acharyan street.
Nearby residents pushed the trucks away to open the streets.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190311
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190318
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190320
Multi-Group truck https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190333
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190342
Truck push https://youtu.be/D7xe5jMMXzk

Parliament is discussing Gago Tsarukyan's immunity

Gago himself was present during the session. General Prosecutor Davtyan came to ask MPs to strip his immunity. BHK MPs called it political persecution and targeted enforcement.
 
BHK Iveta: fairy tales. None of the fraud cases are related to Gago (meaning he isn't directly running the firms on paper).
Prosecutor: what we published is the tiny portion of evidence against Gago. More than enough evidence exists to charge him.
 
LHK Edmon: if the case began in February, why didn't you press charges in February?
Prosecutor: we had to gather enough evidence to be sure. Lots of audits were done since February.
 
LHK Gurgen: if you find more evidence against Gago, will you send another petition to Parliament?
Prosecutor: yes. We're at an early stage. His activities in other provinces will be examined.
 
BHK MP: where were you when the police were dragging away women during yesterday's protests?
QP MP: where were you when Serj was dragging away grieving mothers dressed in black? That's right, you were holding a meeting with Serj. [shows a picture depicting Gago and Serj]
You were selling 300k votes to HHK in 2008 then being hired as controlled opposition.
You were gifting Serj a leopard with a diamond chain, which by the way, wasn't properly registered.
Forgive us for not being as good as you are because we don't have casinos, cement factories, and mansions on top of the hills.
&nvsp;
BHK Enfiajyan held a sign saying "you won't silence us."
 
IND MP Babajanyan: this is a fight against the oligarchy, which the govt should have done long ago. It's a fight against those with foreign owners.
 
BHK Gago to MPs: it all began after my June 5th speech to replace the govt. Nikol lied about his promises. When I signed an agreement for cooperation with him, it was to help the people. You can't govern a country with Facebook and fake accounts. You failed the fight against the pandemic. You ruined the relations with all countries and failed to create a plan for Artsakh's international recognition.
90% of people believed in the revolution. Today not even 5% do.
[During his speech Gago accidentally admitted that he's a businessman, before correcting himself that he's a "business-owner". He can't legally run business and be MP.]
Starts https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190308
BHK Iveta https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190314
More provinces https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190317
LHK Edmon https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190323
Enfiajyan https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190341
where were you? https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190362
Full Gago speech: https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190332
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190338
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190361

Parliament holds a closed vote to strip immunity

Gago, as always in a good mood and chatty with reporters, left the Parliament building accompanied by NSS.
BHK and LHK are against stripping his immunity.
QP MPs, joined by IND MP, voted unanimously 87-0 to suspend Gago's immunity so he can be charged.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190345
https://youtu.be/QLiAFYQdX2w

Parliament held a vote to allow his arrest

With the immunity gone, Parliament is voting whether to allow prosecutors to arrest Gago.
Approved unanimously 87-0.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190360
Tags: #GagikTsarukyan #DodiGago

Gago is being formally charged

Gago is currently being charged. He left the building, free for now. His case is sent to a court for permission to arrest for 2 months pre-trial.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190391

Gago's son-in-law returns a stolen cash

Dodi Gago runs the Kotayk province. Abovyan city is his stronghold.
Earlier, Cadastre Committee's Abovyan branch director, and Abovyan's ex-BHK mayor (Gago's son-in-law), were charged with embezzlement of 10ha lands and related crimes.
Today they recovered the 295mln in full.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190366

COVID stats

+425 infected. +10 deaths.
10529 active. 6571 healed. 293 deaths. 85556 tested.
In the past month, 25% of 4k audited businesses were found to violate safety.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190315
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190386

Must carry ID with you

Pashinyan: starting tomorrow, residents must carry IDs while outside. It's needed to increase the efficiency of issuing tickets. Not having ID will result in another AMD 10k ticket.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190368

Glove requirement removed

Pashinyan: new research made us remove the requirement to wear gloves. Gloves can cause more problems. Wash your hands frequently instead.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190368

Fake news and transparency

Pashinyan: we've been maximally transparent about the situation from the start, yet some circles still spread rumors.
Fake news about govt inflating numbers. About govt hiding data. About govt holding a secret gay conference in Golden Palace hotel under the guise of housing COVID patients. About COVID being fake.
The family member of one of these COVID skeptics recently got infected with COVID.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190368

big spike in uni. applications

5,124 more people applied for universities vs 2019.
Ministry believes it could be because of recent reforms that require only 1 admission exam.
https://www.armtimes.com/hy/article/190325

cyber-weed

A man was arrested for using Telegram to sell weed to Yerevan residents. He would fill a can with weed and leave it at a secret location in a city for the client to pick up.
https://armenpress.am/arm/news/1018654.html

Disclaimer & Terminology

1) The accused are innocent until proven guilty in the court of law, even if they sound guilty.
2) Currency in Armenian ֏ unless specified otherwise.
3) NSS/SIS/SOC = law enforcement agencies. QP = Civil Contract Party. LHK = Bright Armenia Party. BHK = Prosperous Armenia Party. HHK = Republican Party.
4) ARCHIVE of older posts by Idontknowmuch: PART 1 ; PART 2 ; PART 3 ; PART 4 ; PART 5.
4) ARCHIVE of older posts by Armeniapedia.

Part 24
​
Some days, I really think we're going to come out on top of this thing.
This was one of those days.
My day actually started last night. I got home from fireworks and couldn't settle down—not after a shower, a cup of chamomile, prep for jambalaya, and even a Benadryl, which I swear left me even more awake than I was before.
Finally I grabbed Storkie and Leah's car keys and drove over to the apartment. I was going to let myself in and hopefully nap on the sofa, but I'd barely settled in under the lap blanket Dale keeps on the sofa before he wandered into the living room in the direction of the bathroom, and on his way back he spotted me.
“Nate?”
“Couldn't sleep.”
“And you're on the sofa because . . . . ?”
“I didn't want to wake you.”
Dale made this kind of noise at me that was like the audio equivalent of rolling his eyes. Then he bent down and scooped me off the sofa, which is one of the things I actually really love about being small.
He settled me into bed, tucked Storkie under my arm and then crawled in next to me and put his arms around me. “What's on your mind?”
“Leah. Wondering if things are going to change now the main season's over. Wondering how much time I've got left. I think at this point I'm looking in the wrong place entirely and I've been wasting time all summer. I got distracted by a wild goose chase.”
“Goose chase, or information you don't know how to use yet?”
“What do you mean?”
“Park's been around for almost 150 years. I don't know any more about this than you do, but it wouldn't surprise me if the answer is tangled up with the history.” He kissed my forehead. “There's nothing you can do at . . . whatever the hell hour it is. Late. Get some sleep. We'll put our heads together in the morning and see what we can come up with.”
Either I'm the most pathetic person on the face of the planet, or I'm more exhausted than I know I am, because I'm pretty sure there was another sentence after that but I was out already.
Dale was as good as his word, because when I woke up his side of the bed was mostly cold but I could smell coffee and a stumble into the breakfast nook showed me both his notes and mine stacked up next to each other with my glasses on top. Dale was trying very hard to make toast. I don't know how he does it, I'll set the toaster to make toast perfectly, he'll throw in some bread, touch nothing, and what he gets out will either be untoasted or charcoal.
I used to tease him and say he was cursed, but it's not so funny anymore.
Apparently he's made at least somewhat of a truce with the toaster, too, because when he set a plate of toast next to the coffee carafe on the table it was dark but not inedible. Nothing I couldn't cover up with jelly, anyway.
​
If he noticed I waited for him to drink his coffee before I took mine, he didn't say so.
He settled in across from me, and we ate our toast and coffee in the kind of quiet that builds up when you're not really awake enough for conversation yet. Dale finished his second cup of coffee, sighed, and sat back before reaching out and taking his notebook.
“I've needed to show you this for a couple of weeks,” he said. “I didn't want to. Felt like if you didn't know what was in here, I'd be able to protect you. But it's the other way around. The less you know, the more danger you're in. I learned that the way-too-fucking-hard way.”
“What is it?”
“The contract is in it.”
“The original one?”
“And the amended one.” I stared at the little notebook. “I didn't know spiral notebooks existed 150 years ago.”
“Funny. No, this is mine. I'm sure other managers have had their own. I know my dad had a binder instead.”
“So that's it. The heart of the whole thing?”
“So, uh.” Dale sighed the kind of sigh you hear when somebody's about to explain something they really don't want to and aren't quite sure how to, like how they happened to cheat on you or where all the missing money is or what, exactly, is in a notebook about making deals with evil fairies. He tapped the first page. “A lot of this stuff is probably totally irrelevant to what you want. Park balances, stuff like that. A lot of the things we'd consider relevant to the contract were either vague or never explained. Like how often sacrifices have to be made or what the criteria are for selection. That'd be useful to know, but nobody ever explained. We've put together a little information based on what we've seen, but we're more or less in the dark.”
“Did they ever explain what sacrifices had to be?”
Dale stopped between sentences and stared up at me. “What . . . ?”
“There isn't a whole lot out there on fae in America, but what I've found from Ireland and Germany says you can do things like leaving bread and cream on the doorstep. I've done it a couple times in the park when I thought I might be trespassing and I'm pretty sure it actually worked. Do sacrifices have to be living beings? Or was that a certain somebody's invention?”
I've surprised Dale before. Multiple times, in multiple ways, even.
This was the first time I left him so speechless he just sat there with his mouth hanging open.
“I'm just saying, I'm wondering how many problems we'd solve by taking some fruit to the underground entrance a few times a week. Has anybody ever, you know, tested this stuff?”
I took his continued gapemouthed silence as a no. Then I wrote his answer, or lack of it, down in my own notes.
“Probably not going to help with Leah, but it's good to know.” I took his notebook again and flipped through some of the numbers. At last I reached actual words, and Dale took it back from me. Or laid it down on the table between us, at least.
The contract, as it was originally written, was maddeningly vague. Three guardians of the property, rendered voiceless, “occasional” sacrifices, and the phrase Leah mentioned in her blog: we who now take ownership of this land are aware of and willing to pay the price. Something about it bothered me, and I wrote it down. I need to show it to someone. I'm not entirely sure who, but I know I know somebody who can explain what's wrong with that statement, and I'm pretty sure everything hangs off it.
The major amendment to the contract wouldn't be any help to Leah, because it was made after her turning, but it's still a start: sacrifices to come only from within “the owners.” Which I guess means I'm still in danger, but if there's one thing I've figured out from reading fairy tales and old folklore all summer, it's that words-lawyering is basically an Olympic sport for the fae. I'm going to have to get good at it, and fast, but it's still something that might be in my favor.
I didn't share any of this with Leah. Not yet. It's good information, but I don't know yet what I'm supposed to do with it, and I don't want to do that to her. So instead when we went in today I took her food and demanded the right to watch Casino Royale with her, because, I told her, she wasn't allowed to introduce me to blonde James Bond and then not follow through.
I really hope it's enough to go on. I've got to figure out what's up with that sentence. I know the answer is there.
​
​ Part 26