First post! This night has been so special to me, it really returned the idea of wonder to me and I thought I'd share it after lurking here for a while. I tend to have very vivd recollections of my experiences when high, regardless of the substance. It’s a bit long!! Hope you enjoy.
I first tried psychedelics in Amersterdam last year, while I (F, then 19) was on a short vacation with my friend from highschool, Y, and her university mates. In total we were 7 people, with two couples in the group who were fighting each other, making the vibe, which was already awkward for me as the outsider of the group, veryyy awkward. Now, I've always been the kind of girl who's down to clown, but just don't have many opportunities. And while this friendgroup did a lot of weed at their university, I had found it difficult to score in my own and so was lowkey a newbie in the world of recreational substances. We only stayed for 3 nights, and as typical uni students we would spend our days going into coffee shops and getting blazed before exploring the city (highly recommend the Van Gogh museum!). On our last day, the one couple, D and O, said they wanted to get truffles. So pretty much the whole group got except one boy, T. We went to this store and the sales assistant recommended us Dolphins Delight as first timers. There's 15g in a box, and she said we should probably take 8g for our first time. One person in our group, E, wanted to go to the red light district while we were tripping, but I really discouraged that idea; I have struggled with anxiety for a long time and I felt that being in public and outside during my trip would be very stressful. So it was decided we would go back to the hostel (which was actually very luxurious and had a lot of facilities) we were staying at and relax there. At around 8pm, as we were fading out of our weed highs from earlier in the day and having had late lunches in place of dinner, we sat in our room and ate the truffles. Well, tried to. They were so disgusting! I had to layer mine on top of stroopwafel cookies just to stomach them. But I got through it, though I have to say I'm a competitive person and like testing the extremes, so I ended up eating 10g instead. Part of me was really worried that I would have a bad trip, due to my anxiety and depression, but YOLO.
While waiting to come up, we all went down to the hostel’s cinema (told you it was nice). It felt like it took ages to agree on a movie, I think I wanted to watch Avatar, but we ended up watching Paul instead. I have a fast metabolism because I’m quite short and slight, so by about 20 minutes into the movie my mood started changing. The movie—which is funny if you like raunchy bro comedies, as I do sometimes—began to disgust me. I found it too crude, too violent. I also became very nauseous, and sitting in that dark room staring at a huge projector became too much for my visual senses. Me and Y walked out together after about 35 minutes and the rest of our group soon followed after. I needed to go outside otherwise I felt as though I would be sick, so we all migrated to the communal deck area. We sat down at a table and I took the chance to breathe and reground myself. I don’t remember much of this period, just that I was not engaging in conversation and was zoning out a lot. Someone handed me a blunt at one point, as something to bring me down a little, but I only managed two weak drags before handing it back as I hate tobacco. Sometime during this, T and one couple, E and W, and Y went back to the room because, well, T was bored and sober and E started feeling extremely ill, so W and Y went to look after her. So it was just me, D and O left at outside.
A bachelor party of Russians started talking to my friends, but I didn’t interact as I was fully feeling it now, not yet peaking but my consciousness had definitely shifted. When I finally snapped back into myself, it was like remembering that I am an actual human that is existing in the world around her. I looked up and I saw all these strangers, and instead of feeling anxious like I normally do around people I don’t know, I just felt… uninterested. Like I didn’t care for their opinion of me. I was sitting with my face to the wind, and I realized I was feeling cold, so swapped to the other side of the table, and faced this wall of fairy curtain lights attached to a garden trellis. I would like to add that I’m moderately myopic and astigmatic, so basically my vision is shit. Lights, when I look at them, have this lens flare kind of effect when I’m not tripping, but staring at these fairy lights…. On top of the normal yellow was a glowy rainbow. It was magic. It was like there were two ways I was seeing—the “real” world and then this in-between world, where I could see the “could be”. I started crying then and there at this table. Not sobbing, but tears just fell down my cheeks soundlessly. Now, I’m part of LGBTQ, and I’m out to most people in my life but it mostly feels like their acceptance is “we’ll believe it when we see it.” I’ve never gone to any pride events before either just due to accessibility, so seeing this neon pride flag… It really moved me. I remember saying “Gay rights!”, which made my friends laugh as this was the only thing I had said in about an hour. I think this might’ve upset the Russians, because they moved away.
Inside the hostel, they were playing music and people were dancing. So D said we should join them. I was glad because I was really cold actually, but I wasn’t in the mood to dance; I was more sluggish and slow, but O was very giggly and bouncy, almost flirty. We migrated inside, where 90s hiphop (Biggie, DMX, Tupac etc) was blaring from speakers. It was so loud it weighed on me, like the sound was taking up so much space that there wasn’t enough for me to dance even a little bit—which, in my distant sober brain, was disappointing because I love dancing. D went to sit by the bar while O dragged me over to a circle of people. She began skipping around and gyrating but I really couldn’t process the idea of DANCING to this very big music. I just either stared at my feet, watching them shuffle sadly from side to side, or staring at the speakers on the ceiling and feeling like I could see each sound wave pulsing from the black. I couldn’t make myself look straight at the other people—it would’ve been too overwhelming to look at these people all staring back in my general direction. It was like in those teen movies when there’s a large crowd of people around one camera while it spins in place.
I don’t really remember when or why we stopped “dancing” but next thing I remember is following them back to our room. D and O mentioned they wanted to walk around the neighborhood, and I guess I just became their permanent third wheel at this point. We weren’t in the main building, but in the newly constructed extra rooms. This building was quite, and it was shocking to go from all the sensation to a creepy sterile-ness. It had been an hour and a half, I guess, since first eating the truffles. I wasn’t peaking yet even there, but I was very close. We rode the glass elevator up to our floor and when the doors slid open, the hallway, which was dark walls and carpet with a white ceiling, dim lights and a couple of support columns, had a sort of double image, as I mentioned earlier. The visual on top was like something out of a comic book, with the Ben Day kind of dots. The hallway was also distorting to look longer and more jagged, and in my head I related it to Spider-Verse’s style. That’s when I began to detach from reality and fall more into the in-between. We got to our room and find out that E had actually been sick, some sort of allergic reaction, and had vomited up all her truffles. Her girlfriend, W, was holding a plastic bag for her as they sat on their bunk, but she was laughing uncontrollably, not because she found it funny but because she was peaking, which was really pissing off E. I wanted to see Y in that moment, but in her bunk was a white cocoon. I knocked gently on it, and Y’s eyes peaked out from under her sheets. They were starry like a galaxy, and her face had taken on a rose-tinge. Actually, everything had. I was literally looking at life through rose-colored lenses. I thought she looked so beautiful. But the reason why her eyes were so fractualised was because she had been crying too. And laughing. I invited her to come on the walk with us, but she refused.
I asked her what was wrong. Her grin twisted almost unnaturally large. Her hands gripped the sheets close around her body and she whispered that it was too much to see. She was overstimulated and it frightened her. She was upsetting to look at, her beauty suddenly terrible. I didn’t know what I could’ve done to ease this for her, so I just walked away to prepare for the walk. I picked up my phone, my water bottle, and slid on my jacket, because D said that I need a jacket or some sort of outerwear to keep my grounded. I ended up taking that to heart, clutching my jacket tight around me and constantly fisting my hands in my pockets. I also took more of the truffles, like 3g (so 13g total). I shouldn’t have, but I felt bad about wasting what was left, and I thought it wouldn’t that big of a deal. It was so awful trying to chew them that as D, O, and I exited the building, with me trailing behind them, that I stood over a bush and vomited into it. Gross, I know. I’m not proud of it either. But it didn’t effect my trip.
I should say that I realize now how stupid and reckless it was to have done all this without a trip sitter and also separating the group. Walking around at night in a foreign country while completely mentally vulnerable like that was not a responsible thing to do and I’m so grateful that we managed to stay clear of trouble. When I do psychedelics next I will make sure to take step to ensure the safety and comfort of my group.
So, it was on this walk that I finally peaked. Lads, it was fucking glorious. I don’t know if this is normal but I completely detached from reality and my perception of it. So, the neighborhood of the hostel is quite outside the city, it’s white rectangular apartment buildings and cobbled roads and there was a canal running down the middle of it, with bridges going across. It was more like a suburb, no businesses and I don’t remember seeing anyone else the whole time, always behind the couple. I think what affected my trip was the readings I did the previous semester, where I did a course on surrealism and Freud. We studied Andre Breton’s poems and manifesto and watched stuff like Un Chien Andalou. This holiday was right as I finished the semester and handed in my final essay, I think it was still sitting heavy on my mind. But who I was, who I am, didn’t exist. Instead, I saw the world as a video-game. Something like Fallout, with a desolate, post apocalyptic wasteland vibe, but it was in Beta, and we were walking along the edge of the map and so it would reset as we walked along (this was probably an affect of the identical apartment buildings, clean-cut symmetry of the streets, and the lack of other living souls). In this video game, I felt like the main character, or at least the player’s character, but my backstory didn’t feel complete. And the couple, who I had known all of 3 days, felt like they were the only people I knew ever. It felt like they were designed to be my best friends and that we were all programmed to journey together.
It’s funny looking back on it, because I would try to explain this feeling to them but they would be like “Yeah, dude. We’re all connected. Our spirits have known each other forever.” And stuff in that vein. Like, they were in a very chill, nirvanic, lovey-dovey state while I was fully dissociating from reality.
It was fully nighttime, this was maybe 10:15 already, so the sky was dark as night skies are. But I was seeing a sort of radioactive-colored sunset/dusk, with the majority of the heavens being a deep, luscious purple and the horizon being a burnt orange. The streetlights, which were consistently placed along the roads, where alternating in pale green to lilac. The colour-scheme doesn’t work but for me it was intoxicating. I’m a person who loves bright colourful shiny things so this was my jam. We walked for what seemed like HOURS. And normally I have low stamina and I was also wearing some new sneakers that I normally wouldn’t want to get dirty but I was so gone and above that stuff at that point. I did not notice myself walking at all. It was more like the camera from which I saw the world was gliding forward—like a video game POV. I started talking aloud about what surreality was and its complexities, but the other two couldn’t engage with me. The couple—being you know, a couple—were very much enjoying each other’s company. I was left to my own devices in terms of my thoughts and feelings, so I got out my phone and opened my notes apps to write things down as we walked. I had been actually doing that the whole time, albeit previously for weed-thoughts (I call it my dHIGHary). I’ll attach a screenshot at the end.
We eventually came across this grand, sweeping willow tree overlooking the canal. Its canopy was so magnificent I don’t know if it was real or a visual. But we went underneath and I fully had a Grandma Willow moment. The bark of the tree started swirling around like cream being poured into a coffee. I think at some point I saw a face. I put my hand on it and I could’ve sworn I could feel it breathing and twisting. The other two did the same and we had a real special moment of appreciating this willow. And then they started making out against the tree so I was like “Uhhhh” and instead focused on the tall grass we were standing in. I don’t know how long they were kissing because I was hyper focusing on this grass, but O tapped my shoulder, bringing my attention back to the now. She was holding a snail in her hand and was saying “We’ve made a friend!”. I have to be honest, I hateeed bugs and insects and slimy creatures. But in that moment I did not hesitate before grabbing that snail and putting it on my arm. And then it fell off into the grass because I was off my fucking rocker.
We started walking again and at the point I got stuck in two thought-loops, where I would just say the same things over and over again. One was “We’re in a video game” and the other was “Did I wet myself?”. I don’t know where the latter came from; I think I might’ve needed to pee and the warm of the friction of my jeans might’ve had me thinking I just pissed my pants. I would walk a few meters then swipe at my butt, trying to feel for wetness, and ask them again if I wet myself. I said these things so often that I think I ruined their euphoric mood LOL they got super snippy at me.
So we continue walking nowhere, I’m still seeing the sky and believing I’m in a video game and doubting my bladder’s strength but I think I’m starting to come down, slowly but surely. Then we come across this… I wouldn’t say it was a cliff but like the road we were on had a sudden sharp incline to the side and then we’re overlooking this building. Even now, I can’t say what it was. In my addled state, it was this massive black building that radiated gold from the openings. It was beautiful, but foreboding. Something divine. Because it had been so long since we’d seen any signs of other people that I started crying again. But it was a nice feeling, it felt like I was clearing out my tear ducts and detoxing. It was such an easy, smooth cry if that makes sense.
“This is the promised land!" I said. At that point I think the other two knew not to entertain my ramblings because they said nothing. I managed to get a blurry pic of the building, which I checked out the next day. In retrospect its nothing so mighty, but looking at it arouses an echo of its power over me. I still can’t think if it was a hotel or a casino? It seems really out of place even now.
I was actually really shocked at how full the parking lot is.
I think we started to head back in the direction of the hostel, then. I was nearing the end of my trip so no more incredible visions—I was still checking if I’d peed though. We took a different route back, and found an underpass with murals on the walls. O wanted to take photos against them with D, which I took, and then they started kissing again. I got kinda nervous for a second that they were going to ask me to join them, which is a weird habit of mine when I hang out with couples, but nothing of the sort happened.
We continued walking and I finally snapped out of my hallucination of the video game and in doing so I started to reflect on the world and my place. I came to the realization that I am not the main character, but I am my main character. I won’t star in anyone else’s story, but merely existing at the perimeter for a moment before advancing on my own path, and vice versa. And because it’s my story, I make my villains. I decide who or what gets to be my big boss and who is just a side quest. I’m not playing to have the fastest speed run, or have the most XP and collectibles. I’m here to enjoy the game. A lot of my previous grudges and grievances melted away. I mean, there’s still people I dislike and don’t want to interact with ever, but I get to choose my response. They can’t make me not enjoy my life as much as I can because it’s my choice to let them influence me or not. And in a holistic sense, I let go of a lot of my fear of rejection and judgment. I won’t say I’m cured of my anxiety disorder but I’m so much better at socialization and being outgoing now. I think that experience also restored a lot of empathy in me for the world and its creatures that had slowly dissipated as I grew up. I can’t think of a way to phrase this well, but I feel like after this night I don’t do good things for others because it makes me look good but because it just feels like the right thing to do, simply uncomplicated. I still struggle with my ego and my confidence and my compassion sometimes, and I wouldn’t say I’m a completely changed person, but I do think something slid into place and I’m more whole as a person. Unfortunately, some of the progress I made that night got reset due to a deeply emotionally traumatic event that happened a month after and I’m still recovering from. Funny how a thing that feeds on the dead can teach you so much about life.
I’m not yet done! The next part’s just fun sensations, no epiphanies. We get back to the hostel, I’m not sure at what time. Between 11:45 and 1:30, surely. My double reality vision is all but gone, but I still see things with a pink hue. We enter our room and the lights are on but everyone’s else pretty much asleep. I get my sleep things and go to the bathroom to take a shower. YALL I cannot recommend a post-trip shower enough. It looked like the water was falling really slowly, and the way the light bounced off it was like those crystal prisms. Standing underneath the showerhead didn’t feel like getting wet, but more like soft diamonds bouncing off my skin. I couldn't stop giggling in the shower. Touching my bare skin felt amazing too, like I had shed an old outer layer and what I had underneath was satin-smooth and plushy. By the time I got out and everybody was in bed/sleeping. I climbed into my bunk, and when I tell you those sheets felt like luxury defined. They were so soft and silky and feathery. It’s embarrassing to say but I couldn’t stop sighing and moaning. They were just so comfortable that it elicited a physical response from me. I couldn’t shut up, even though I tried really hard. Someone yelled be quiet and that seemed to be enough for me to stop. And finally, I saw visuals like kaleidoscopic bismuth formations when I closed my eyes as I was falling asleep.
So, thats the story of what happened the first time I did psychedelics. I hope it wasn’t too much text! Can’t wait to do real shrooms next time.
The dHIGHary entry (anyone else find that typing is difficult?):
https://preview.redd.it/nlraaneqcdl51.jpg?width=749&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=237ff1f2691ac9d72ab55876b57dfa93cbc556dc
https://preview.redd.it/wvgkmqeqcdl51.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=b02b9681921ed5aaaecd8b875f43c811cacbfdbf
https://preview.redd.it/yb7i31fqcdl51.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=d2ce52074b75a8bd36d4a9248faa66d215e59867
https://preview.redd.it/fls5eqhqcdl51.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=04a335bbd1f5a4b73a90ef89e2e5106bfc28500e
submitted by w0rms4brains to shrooms [link] [comments] I first tried psychedelics in Amersterdam last year, while I (F, then 19) was on a short vacation with my friend from highschool, Y, and her university mates. In total we were 7 people, with two couples in the group who were fighting each other, making the vibe, which was already awkward for me as the outsider of the group, veryyy awkward. Now, I've always been the kind of girl who's down to clown, but just don't have many opportunities. And while this friendgroup did a lot of weed at their university, I had found it difficult to score in my own and so was lowkey a newbie in the world of recreational substances. We only stayed for 3 nights, and as typical uni students we would spend our days going into coffee shops and getting blazed before exploring the city (highly recommend the Van Gogh museum!). On our last day, the one couple, D and O, said they wanted to get truffles. So pretty much the whole group got except one boy, T. We went to this store and the sales assistant recommended us Dolphins Delight as first timers. There's 15g in a box, and she said we should probably take 8g for our first time. One person in our group, E, wanted to go to the red light district while we were tripping, but I really discouraged that idea; I have struggled with anxiety for a long time and I felt that being in public and outside during my trip would be very stressful. So it was decided we would go back to the hostel (which was actually very luxurious and had a lot of facilities) we were staying at and relax there. At around 8pm, as we were fading out of our weed highs from earlier in the day and having had late lunches in place of dinner, we sat in our room and ate the truffles. Well, tried to. They were so disgusting! I had to layer mine on top of stroopwafel cookies just to stomach them. But I got through it, though I have to say I'm a competitive person and like testing the extremes, so I ended up eating 10g instead. Part of me was really worried that I would have a bad trip, due to my anxiety and depression, but YOLO.
While waiting to come up, we all went down to the hostel’s cinema (told you it was nice). It felt like it took ages to agree on a movie, I think I wanted to watch Avatar, but we ended up watching Paul instead. I have a fast metabolism because I’m quite short and slight, so by about 20 minutes into the movie my mood started changing. The movie—which is funny if you like raunchy bro comedies, as I do sometimes—began to disgust me. I found it too crude, too violent. I also became very nauseous, and sitting in that dark room staring at a huge projector became too much for my visual senses. Me and Y walked out together after about 35 minutes and the rest of our group soon followed after. I needed to go outside otherwise I felt as though I would be sick, so we all migrated to the communal deck area. We sat down at a table and I took the chance to breathe and reground myself. I don’t remember much of this period, just that I was not engaging in conversation and was zoning out a lot. Someone handed me a blunt at one point, as something to bring me down a little, but I only managed two weak drags before handing it back as I hate tobacco. Sometime during this, T and one couple, E and W, and Y went back to the room because, well, T was bored and sober and E started feeling extremely ill, so W and Y went to look after her. So it was just me, D and O left at outside.
A bachelor party of Russians started talking to my friends, but I didn’t interact as I was fully feeling it now, not yet peaking but my consciousness had definitely shifted. When I finally snapped back into myself, it was like remembering that I am an actual human that is existing in the world around her. I looked up and I saw all these strangers, and instead of feeling anxious like I normally do around people I don’t know, I just felt… uninterested. Like I didn’t care for their opinion of me. I was sitting with my face to the wind, and I realized I was feeling cold, so swapped to the other side of the table, and faced this wall of fairy curtain lights attached to a garden trellis. I would like to add that I’m moderately myopic and astigmatic, so basically my vision is shit. Lights, when I look at them, have this lens flare kind of effect when I’m not tripping, but staring at these fairy lights…. On top of the normal yellow was a glowy rainbow. It was magic. It was like there were two ways I was seeing—the “real” world and then this in-between world, where I could see the “could be”. I started crying then and there at this table. Not sobbing, but tears just fell down my cheeks soundlessly. Now, I’m part of LGBTQ, and I’m out to most people in my life but it mostly feels like their acceptance is “we’ll believe it when we see it.” I’ve never gone to any pride events before either just due to accessibility, so seeing this neon pride flag… It really moved me. I remember saying “Gay rights!”, which made my friends laugh as this was the only thing I had said in about an hour. I think this might’ve upset the Russians, because they moved away.
Inside the hostel, they were playing music and people were dancing. So D said we should join them. I was glad because I was really cold actually, but I wasn’t in the mood to dance; I was more sluggish and slow, but O was very giggly and bouncy, almost flirty. We migrated inside, where 90s hiphop (Biggie, DMX, Tupac etc) was blaring from speakers. It was so loud it weighed on me, like the sound was taking up so much space that there wasn’t enough for me to dance even a little bit—which, in my distant sober brain, was disappointing because I love dancing. D went to sit by the bar while O dragged me over to a circle of people. She began skipping around and gyrating but I really couldn’t process the idea of DANCING to this very big music. I just either stared at my feet, watching them shuffle sadly from side to side, or staring at the speakers on the ceiling and feeling like I could see each sound wave pulsing from the black. I couldn’t make myself look straight at the other people—it would’ve been too overwhelming to look at these people all staring back in my general direction. It was like in those teen movies when there’s a large crowd of people around one camera while it spins in place.
I don’t really remember when or why we stopped “dancing” but next thing I remember is following them back to our room. D and O mentioned they wanted to walk around the neighborhood, and I guess I just became their permanent third wheel at this point. We weren’t in the main building, but in the newly constructed extra rooms. This building was quite, and it was shocking to go from all the sensation to a creepy sterile-ness. It had been an hour and a half, I guess, since first eating the truffles. I wasn’t peaking yet even there, but I was very close. We rode the glass elevator up to our floor and when the doors slid open, the hallway, which was dark walls and carpet with a white ceiling, dim lights and a couple of support columns, had a sort of double image, as I mentioned earlier. The visual on top was like something out of a comic book, with the Ben Day kind of dots. The hallway was also distorting to look longer and more jagged, and in my head I related it to Spider-Verse’s style. That’s when I began to detach from reality and fall more into the in-between. We got to our room and find out that E had actually been sick, some sort of allergic reaction, and had vomited up all her truffles. Her girlfriend, W, was holding a plastic bag for her as they sat on their bunk, but she was laughing uncontrollably, not because she found it funny but because she was peaking, which was really pissing off E. I wanted to see Y in that moment, but in her bunk was a white cocoon. I knocked gently on it, and Y’s eyes peaked out from under her sheets. They were starry like a galaxy, and her face had taken on a rose-tinge. Actually, everything had. I was literally looking at life through rose-colored lenses. I thought she looked so beautiful. But the reason why her eyes were so fractualised was because she had been crying too. And laughing. I invited her to come on the walk with us, but she refused.
I asked her what was wrong. Her grin twisted almost unnaturally large. Her hands gripped the sheets close around her body and she whispered that it was too much to see. She was overstimulated and it frightened her. She was upsetting to look at, her beauty suddenly terrible. I didn’t know what I could’ve done to ease this for her, so I just walked away to prepare for the walk. I picked up my phone, my water bottle, and slid on my jacket, because D said that I need a jacket or some sort of outerwear to keep my grounded. I ended up taking that to heart, clutching my jacket tight around me and constantly fisting my hands in my pockets. I also took more of the truffles, like 3g (so 13g total). I shouldn’t have, but I felt bad about wasting what was left, and I thought it wouldn’t that big of a deal. It was so awful trying to chew them that as D, O, and I exited the building, with me trailing behind them, that I stood over a bush and vomited into it. Gross, I know. I’m not proud of it either. But it didn’t effect my trip.
I should say that I realize now how stupid and reckless it was to have done all this without a trip sitter and also separating the group. Walking around at night in a foreign country while completely mentally vulnerable like that was not a responsible thing to do and I’m so grateful that we managed to stay clear of trouble. When I do psychedelics next I will make sure to take step to ensure the safety and comfort of my group.
So, it was on this walk that I finally peaked. Lads, it was fucking glorious. I don’t know if this is normal but I completely detached from reality and my perception of it. So, the neighborhood of the hostel is quite outside the city, it’s white rectangular apartment buildings and cobbled roads and there was a canal running down the middle of it, with bridges going across. It was more like a suburb, no businesses and I don’t remember seeing anyone else the whole time, always behind the couple. I think what affected my trip was the readings I did the previous semester, where I did a course on surrealism and Freud. We studied Andre Breton’s poems and manifesto and watched stuff like Un Chien Andalou. This holiday was right as I finished the semester and handed in my final essay, I think it was still sitting heavy on my mind. But who I was, who I am, didn’t exist. Instead, I saw the world as a video-game. Something like Fallout, with a desolate, post apocalyptic wasteland vibe, but it was in Beta, and we were walking along the edge of the map and so it would reset as we walked along (this was probably an affect of the identical apartment buildings, clean-cut symmetry of the streets, and the lack of other living souls). In this video game, I felt like the main character, or at least the player’s character, but my backstory didn’t feel complete. And the couple, who I had known all of 3 days, felt like they were the only people I knew ever. It felt like they were designed to be my best friends and that we were all programmed to journey together.
It’s funny looking back on it, because I would try to explain this feeling to them but they would be like “Yeah, dude. We’re all connected. Our spirits have known each other forever.” And stuff in that vein. Like, they were in a very chill, nirvanic, lovey-dovey state while I was fully dissociating from reality.
It was fully nighttime, this was maybe 10:15 already, so the sky was dark as night skies are. But I was seeing a sort of radioactive-colored sunset/dusk, with the majority of the heavens being a deep, luscious purple and the horizon being a burnt orange. The streetlights, which were consistently placed along the roads, where alternating in pale green to lilac. The colour-scheme doesn’t work but for me it was intoxicating. I’m a person who loves bright colourful shiny things so this was my jam. We walked for what seemed like HOURS. And normally I have low stamina and I was also wearing some new sneakers that I normally wouldn’t want to get dirty but I was so gone and above that stuff at that point. I did not notice myself walking at all. It was more like the camera from which I saw the world was gliding forward—like a video game POV. I started talking aloud about what surreality was and its complexities, but the other two couldn’t engage with me. The couple—being you know, a couple—were very much enjoying each other’s company. I was left to my own devices in terms of my thoughts and feelings, so I got out my phone and opened my notes apps to write things down as we walked. I had been actually doing that the whole time, albeit previously for weed-thoughts (I call it my dHIGHary). I’ll attach a screenshot at the end.
We eventually came across this grand, sweeping willow tree overlooking the canal. Its canopy was so magnificent I don’t know if it was real or a visual. But we went underneath and I fully had a Grandma Willow moment. The bark of the tree started swirling around like cream being poured into a coffee. I think at some point I saw a face. I put my hand on it and I could’ve sworn I could feel it breathing and twisting. The other two did the same and we had a real special moment of appreciating this willow. And then they started making out against the tree so I was like “Uhhhh” and instead focused on the tall grass we were standing in. I don’t know how long they were kissing because I was hyper focusing on this grass, but O tapped my shoulder, bringing my attention back to the now. She was holding a snail in her hand and was saying “We’ve made a friend!”. I have to be honest, I hateeed bugs and insects and slimy creatures. But in that moment I did not hesitate before grabbing that snail and putting it on my arm. And then it fell off into the grass because I was off my fucking rocker.
We started walking again and at the point I got stuck in two thought-loops, where I would just say the same things over and over again. One was “We’re in a video game” and the other was “Did I wet myself?”. I don’t know where the latter came from; I think I might’ve needed to pee and the warm of the friction of my jeans might’ve had me thinking I just pissed my pants. I would walk a few meters then swipe at my butt, trying to feel for wetness, and ask them again if I wet myself. I said these things so often that I think I ruined their euphoric mood LOL they got super snippy at me.
So we continue walking nowhere, I’m still seeing the sky and believing I’m in a video game and doubting my bladder’s strength but I think I’m starting to come down, slowly but surely. Then we come across this… I wouldn’t say it was a cliff but like the road we were on had a sudden sharp incline to the side and then we’re overlooking this building. Even now, I can’t say what it was. In my addled state, it was this massive black building that radiated gold from the openings. It was beautiful, but foreboding. Something divine. Because it had been so long since we’d seen any signs of other people that I started crying again. But it was a nice feeling, it felt like I was clearing out my tear ducts and detoxing. It was such an easy, smooth cry if that makes sense.
“This is the promised land!" I said. At that point I think the other two knew not to entertain my ramblings because they said nothing. I managed to get a blurry pic of the building, which I checked out the next day. In retrospect its nothing so mighty, but looking at it arouses an echo of its power over me. I still can’t think if it was a hotel or a casino? It seems really out of place even now.
I was actually really shocked at how full the parking lot is.
I think we started to head back in the direction of the hostel, then. I was nearing the end of my trip so no more incredible visions—I was still checking if I’d peed though. We took a different route back, and found an underpass with murals on the walls. O wanted to take photos against them with D, which I took, and then they started kissing again. I got kinda nervous for a second that they were going to ask me to join them, which is a weird habit of mine when I hang out with couples, but nothing of the sort happened.
We continued walking and I finally snapped out of my hallucination of the video game and in doing so I started to reflect on the world and my place. I came to the realization that I am not the main character, but I am my main character. I won’t star in anyone else’s story, but merely existing at the perimeter for a moment before advancing on my own path, and vice versa. And because it’s my story, I make my villains. I decide who or what gets to be my big boss and who is just a side quest. I’m not playing to have the fastest speed run, or have the most XP and collectibles. I’m here to enjoy the game. A lot of my previous grudges and grievances melted away. I mean, there’s still people I dislike and don’t want to interact with ever, but I get to choose my response. They can’t make me not enjoy my life as much as I can because it’s my choice to let them influence me or not. And in a holistic sense, I let go of a lot of my fear of rejection and judgment. I won’t say I’m cured of my anxiety disorder but I’m so much better at socialization and being outgoing now. I think that experience also restored a lot of empathy in me for the world and its creatures that had slowly dissipated as I grew up. I can’t think of a way to phrase this well, but I feel like after this night I don’t do good things for others because it makes me look good but because it just feels like the right thing to do, simply uncomplicated. I still struggle with my ego and my confidence and my compassion sometimes, and I wouldn’t say I’m a completely changed person, but I do think something slid into place and I’m more whole as a person. Unfortunately, some of the progress I made that night got reset due to a deeply emotionally traumatic event that happened a month after and I’m still recovering from. Funny how a thing that feeds on the dead can teach you so much about life.
I’m not yet done! The next part’s just fun sensations, no epiphanies. We get back to the hostel, I’m not sure at what time. Between 11:45 and 1:30, surely. My double reality vision is all but gone, but I still see things with a pink hue. We enter our room and the lights are on but everyone’s else pretty much asleep. I get my sleep things and go to the bathroom to take a shower. YALL I cannot recommend a post-trip shower enough. It looked like the water was falling really slowly, and the way the light bounced off it was like those crystal prisms. Standing underneath the showerhead didn’t feel like getting wet, but more like soft diamonds bouncing off my skin. I couldn't stop giggling in the shower. Touching my bare skin felt amazing too, like I had shed an old outer layer and what I had underneath was satin-smooth and plushy. By the time I got out and everybody was in bed/sleeping. I climbed into my bunk, and when I tell you those sheets felt like luxury defined. They were so soft and silky and feathery. It’s embarrassing to say but I couldn’t stop sighing and moaning. They were just so comfortable that it elicited a physical response from me. I couldn’t shut up, even though I tried really hard. Someone yelled be quiet and that seemed to be enough for me to stop. And finally, I saw visuals like kaleidoscopic bismuth formations when I closed my eyes as I was falling asleep.
So, thats the story of what happened the first time I did psychedelics. I hope it wasn’t too much text! Can’t wait to do real shrooms next time.
The dHIGHary entry (anyone else find that typing is difficult?):
https://preview.redd.it/nlraaneqcdl51.jpg?width=749&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=237ff1f2691ac9d72ab55876b57dfa93cbc556dc
https://preview.redd.it/wvgkmqeqcdl51.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=b02b9681921ed5aaaecd8b875f43c811cacbfdbf
https://preview.redd.it/yb7i31fqcdl51.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=d2ce52074b75a8bd36d4a9248faa66d215e59867
https://preview.redd.it/fls5eqhqcdl51.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=04a335bbd1f5a4b73a90ef89e2e5106bfc28500e
